My boyfriend had a child with his ex-girlfriend before he met me... Should i settle with him?

Reply Sun 22 Jun, 2014 01:37 am
i have a boyfriend of 7 years now.. we're planning to get married by next year 2015... however, i have these issues thats still bothering me since the time he told me the truth... he told me he had a child (now 6 y/o) with his ex-girlfriend before he met me... and he only told me this later when we were in our 2nd year of relationship for fear of losing me. But nevertheless, i chose to stay with him.. Since then,we always try to make things work, he explained to me evrything that these were already in the past... and the only reason he is going to communicate with his ex is just because of the child and nothing more. however, i still have this feeling of jealousy thinking im his only 2nd priority next to them (ex & child). He is happy whenever he chats with them in the web (bec. they're in US and were here in Phils.). And that makes me feel incomplete. i felt like im not part of his life and that they are like a happy family... we have no baby yet and that makes me feel a stranger to him. i have no connection with him (the baby)that binds us together as what he had with her ex. we always argue about it. he always wants me to accept him bec. the child is already a part of him. he always tell me to worry nothing bec. he loves me so much & that he also wants to start our own family and be with me for the rest of his life. One day, we came to an agreement to better not tell me whenever he will chat with them in the web to avoid me getting hurt. Although he doesnt intends to keep things hidden from me, he is forced to do it to avoid arguments and fights with me. i agreed with that. I know im feeling being selfish. i know he wants me to get to know his kid and me being in good terms with the kid. but im not ready yet.

There was a time which i accidentally saw their exchanging messages with the ex in facebook. He accidentally left it logged on. I know it doesnt sounds right to get into the privacy of my boyfriend. But out of my curiosity, it made me dig into it without any bad intention. what i found out is their messages talking about non-child related stuffs. like catching up with each other. But it was only a very short conversation.. i even saw one message that my BF even greeted her a mother's day. And that makes me feel even more jealous. confronted him and we argued. i realized that i wished i hadnt read their messages. he explained that he is just building a civil relationship with the ex. i understand him but im so over jealous about it.. i dont know what to do... i wanna be with him for life.. i wanna have a baby also with him. to also feel more important... Should i settle with him?...i would really appreciate hear your advices to me.... Sad Thank you
Reply Sun 22 Jun, 2014 02:08 am
My first reaction is that this is a very long term relationship and shouldn't be interfered with. Yes, he's talking to her about things not strictly related to the child. It doesn't sound like a real problem to me. That doesn't mean it isn't a big problem to you. In other words, it's going to have to be your decision, but don't rush it.

By the way, it isn't clear to me what you mean by "settle". It might help someone else to know.
Reply Sun 22 Jun, 2014 02:16 am
Hi roger,

Thanks for the advice. Really appreciate it. ^_^
PS: Settle for me means, getting married and living together for the rest of our lives...

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Reply Sun 22 Jun, 2014 06:00 am
You seems to desire him to walked away from his child and to not keep a friendly if long distance relationship with the mother of that child.

He seems to be meeting his obligations in an honorable way and if that fact is causing you pain I strongly suggest breaking off with him and finding a man without children.
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Reply Sun 22 Jun, 2014 07:54 am
It is in your boyfriend's child's best interests for him to be cordial with the baby mama. That means having a conversation that is more than "Get the kid on the phone." or "Did you get my last check?"

I don't for the life of me understand why you would complain about being nice to someone who is kinda caught with the short end of the stick. She gets the kid and all the attendant expenses and obligations. He only has to send the checks and occasionally call. He changes no diapers, deals with no tantrums, does not participate in the toilet training, never chauffeurs the kid anywhere, and does not feed this child or shop for food, etc. Yet he still gets to call himself Dad.

And you're upset that he's trying to actually live up to the title?
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Reply Sun 22 Jun, 2014 12:32 pm
Pipz - it seems that this child and his ex are things you just can't get over.

If you really loved him, you would accept his past and be cordial to this child, since there is the potential that you may be a step mom.

But i really suggest - like someone said before - go find a guy who has a clean slate. The baggage seems to be too much for you to handle.

Reply Sun 22 Jun, 2014 04:53 pm
I rather agree with the advice provided by everyone - up until this point:

If you really loved him, you would accept his past and be cordial to this child, since there is the potential that you may be a step mom.
We humans often have conflicting emotions - about lots of things. Having conflicting emotions doesn't invalidate either emotion (as would be suggested by 'if you really loved him')...and putting a person seeking help, on a guilt trip because they are human, flawed (like all of us - it's just that our flaws vary from person to person), & subject to conflicting emotions doesn't really achieve anything in my view.

The question is - which emotion is going to win out? As a note - fears can be very destructive to relationships, and you are obviously quite fearful in relation to this. Your boyfriend is doing exactly the right thing by his child...with where you are at emotionally - how do you see your contribution to this relationship going? Are you going to be able to handle it? And do you run the risk of trying to damage your boyfriends relationship with his child's mother - which may then traumatise the child?

My thoughts are that, at this stage, it would be a rather bad idea.
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Reply Sun 22 Jun, 2014 05:12 pm
Pipz wrote:
i wanna have a baby also with him. to also feel more important...


please don't have a child with him if you are not able to resolve your jealousy toward the mother of the child he already has.

if you really believe this is the right man and relationship for you, please seek counselling to help you overcome your jealousy
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Reply Tue 1 Jul, 2014 02:09 am
It's really hard situation, but make it easy. Always think positive that he loves you.
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