Funnies for Friday

"The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone else he can blame it on." --- Robert Bloch

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"I went to see Pavarotti once and I'll tell you this much, he doesn't
like it when you join in." -- Mick Miller

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The other day I met a good friend of mine who is a genetic engineer. He
was happy to tell me of his job. His latest project is the splicing of DNA
from different specie of birds.

First he combined the DNA from a pheasant and a hen. It worked! He
called it a "Phen."

Next he successfully combined a pheasant and a goose. He called it a
"Phoose."

Yesterday, he explained, he was finally able to cross a pheasant with a
duck. He called it ... "Charlie."

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"Well, I reckon you've been a pretty good horse," said the farmer. "You
work hard and I ain't had to call the vet on you much. I only wish you
pulled the plow a little faster."

"NO!" said the horse, "I said 'feedbag' -- not 'feedback'."

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Young Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm in
Dublin. An American applied for the same job. Both applicants, having
the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department
manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men were found to have missed just
one of the questions. The manager told Murphy, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."

"Now woy wootcha be doing tat?" Murphy asked. "We both got noyne
questions royt, and tiss bein' Oyreland, and me bein' Oyrish, I tink I should be gettin' te job!"

"We have made our decision," the manager replied, "not on the correct
answers, but rather on which question you missed."

"And just how woot one wrong answer be better tan t'other?" an
indignant Murphy demanded.

"Well," the manager told him, "the American put down on question number 5, 'I don't know.' ... You put down, 'Neither do I'."

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A man and a woman walk into a very upmarket boutique.

"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.

So the owner of the shop goes out the back and comes out with an
absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the owner
discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a cheque!" the man says.

"Very good, sir," says the shop owner. "Today being Saturday, you may
come by on Monday to pick it up, after the cheque has cleared."

So the man and the woman leave.

On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged.

"How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single cent in
your cheque account!!"

"I just had to come by," grinned the man, "to thank you for the most
wonderful weekend of my life!"

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A telephone rings.

"Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?"

"Yes, it is," comes the reply.

"Thank God! Could you call 911 for me? I've super-glued my finger to
the phone."

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My insomnia is so bad, I can't even sleep on the job.

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"Ever since we got married," a man told his psychologist, "my wife has
tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running
around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy
the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, and even how to invest in
the stock market.".

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,"
remarked his friend.

"Oh no!" the man replied. "I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved,
she just isn't good enough for me."

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At a nursing home a group of Seniors were sitting around talking about
all their ailments.

"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,"
said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see
my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so
crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!" yelled another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a
fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as
he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, we can all count our blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "and
thank God all of us can at least still drive."

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A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have
certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be having a great time at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. Sincerely, your Husband."

The wife responded:

"Dear Husband, Your letter made me realize that you too are 54 years
old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel
with the 18 year old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you
are, you will easily appreciate the fact that I am going to be having a far
better time than you. After all, 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than
54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

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Two Irishmen are sitting in a pub having beer and watching the house of
ill repute across the street. First they notice a Baptist minister walk
into the house of ill repute, and one of them says to the other, "Aye, 'tis
a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they see a rabbi enter the house of ill repute, and the other
Irishman says, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to
temptation as well."

Soon after, they see a catholic priest enter the same house of ill
repute, and one of the Irishmen turns to his mate and remarks, "What a terrible pity ... one of the girls must be quite ill."

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Q: What do you call a cat that has just eaten a whole duck?

A: A duck filled fatty puss!

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Three women all work in the same office with the same female boss. They soon notice that the boss leaves work early every day. One day the
girls decide that when the boss leaves, they will leave right behind her.
After all, they figure, she never calls or returns to work, so how would she ever know that they have gone home early?

The brunette is thrilled to be home early. She does a spot of
gardening, spends playtime with her son, and goes to bed early.

The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa
before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde is happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but
when she gets to her bedroom, she hears a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she opens the door slightly and is mortified to see her
husband in bed with her boss!

Gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house. The next day,
at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead plan to leave early again,
and they ask the blonde if she is joining them them.

"No way," the blonde exclaims. "I nearly got caught yesterday!"

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"I'm so ugly ... I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big
I'd get." -- Rodney Dangerfield

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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed and dry cleaners depressed?

And surely politicians can be devoted and economists discounted?

Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and
depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the barristers will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose.

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It's still Thursday in Silicon Valley so I'll read this tomorrow.