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Fool me once.....

 
 
Reply Sun 8 Jun, 2014 01:38 am
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I met you online months ago. It was uncanny the way we clicked. The common interests we had. I was so excited to meet you one day. I woke every morning excited to check my phone for a new message or video from you. I loved your videos, watching your expressions, hearing your voice. I know you love your son and I loved that you brought me into that part of your life. I would watch your videos over and over, listening to the narration as you pointed out local landmarks and feet of snow along the side of the road. You made me laugh. For a brief time, I was happy.
And then, just as suddenly, you were gone. You were going through a divorce, you said. It was terribly stressful on you and your son. You needed time. Time to focus. Time to get yourself together.
And as hard as it was, I respected your wishes. I stopped calling you. Stopped
sending you emails and text messages. After a few days of having to pick myself off the floor, I started to manage without you. I went on with my life, thinking of you from time to time, wondering if you were ever thinking of me. For the most part, I was happy again. If not happy, at least content. I found a new job. I went on a date with a guy who really liked me, though my heart wasnt in it. It still belonged to you.
Months passed and one day there was a Facebook message from you. You said how sorry you were. That if I'd give you another chance you'd spend the rest of your life making it up to me. You said you had been falling in love with me and needed time to get yourself together but you were certain now. You said you wanted me to be a part of your life. You bought me a plane ticket to fly there at the end of the month. I was so excited I barely slept for a week.
And then....as quickly as you returned, you left. Again. Your divorce became final and you didn't deal with it well. Your son was struggling. Your ex stole your savings and you'd have to sell the ticket to be able to live. You didn't say this to me on the phone. In fact you refused to acknowledge my phone calls. You said it in an email. When I broke down and told you I'd already been approved for a week off without pay and had sold my car, you asked me to leave you be, adding that you'll never hurt me again. You won't risk it. But you've already hurt me. Twice. And the worst part of it is that I trusted you. I trusted that you would be true to your word. I trusted you that this time you were sure. I trusted that you respected me enough as a human being that you would show some compassion and reach out to me when you told me our plans to meet had been cancelled. I thought you'd talk to me about it, not because I wanted to change your mind. I understood. But because its the humane thing to do. When someone you love is hurting, you reach out. I know you're hurting. I know divorce isn't easy. I'm compassionate to that. And I'm patient. The distance between us means nothing so long as I have you to talk to and laugh with. But you're gone. Again. You've sufficiently pushed me away and closed the door. And I don't know how you do it. I don't know how you live with yourself knowing what you've done to me not once but twice. These are real lives we are talking about. And I'm a real person with a real heart that hurts and feels. I try to envision my life without you but I just can't. I see you standing in the kitchen making breakfast. I see your arms wrapped around me at the lighthouse. I see you in everything I do. Perhaps time will ease that pain and the visions will be replaced by someone else. For now, It's hard to believe that could be true. I simply can't imagine anyone in this world created as a more perfect match for me.
If you had reached out and talked to me...told me you needed more time, I would've gotten it. I would've understood. But to shut me out and ignore me again is a pain almost too great to bear.
EDIT: MODERATOR: DELETED NAME, you are the love of my life. And I will be here waiting. Until I'm done waiting.
 
PUNKEY
 
  3  
Reply Sun 8 Jun, 2014 04:28 pm
This is so contradictory, I can't understand it.

The guy hurt you - TWICE. He just doesn't get it.

Do you really think this letter will change anything?

Yet, you say you will be there for him.
bakergirl
 
  1  
Reply Sun 8 Jun, 2014 05:04 pm
@PUNKEY,
Contradictory? How so? My feelings, whether they are justified, is that Bob is hurting. Divorces, even under the best of circumstances aren't easy. I think he got frightened. I don't know what his ex did to him but certainly trust must be a mitigating factor.
The truth is that we know we were made for each other. And if he needs that time to pull himself together, I can accept that. It's being ignored that I hate. It's the promises broken. It's the loss of his presence in my life again. I don't understand why adults can't just talk. But again, I make excuses for him. If his life is entirely fucked up right now I should give him that space to get himself together. And when that happens I will be ready.
I've spent 40 years wandering this planet looking for one person to connect with and I've met him. And for now, that has to be enough. I know that he is real. He is out there. For a brief time I knew what it felt to be loved. I know he loved me. But fear makes people do stupid things.
I know I have a right to be angry and bitter. But I'm not. I'm compassionate and understanding to his circumstances. I get it. I'm patient. But I can't wait forever...
chai2
 
  0  
Reply Sun 8 Jun, 2014 06:54 pm
@bakergirl,
#1 Why are you writing all this here?

#2 I think it's really shitty you saying his name. In fact, I know someone by that name, and thank goodness I know it couldn't be him.

#3 Why are you writing all this here?
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Sun 8 Jun, 2014 07:11 pm
@bakergirl,
You might ask the moderators to take out his name; this is the world wide web here. Have you no sense of privacy? Anyway, you do that by clicking on Contact Us at the bottom of the page.

Meantime, a wise woman who was much listened to at a2k used to say that it took people a couple of years to find balance after a divorce. That seems often, though not always, to be true. (We were about the same age and I'd noticed that too.) You seem to have glommed on to this fellow as the love of your life and that is way ahead of where he is at.

Many of us know that feeling and that feeling can and often does go away. Long lasting love is a product of being together over time and everyday caring.
He is involved in the tearing apart of that - whatever of that, that they had.

Meantime, you are sounding like you want to be heroic, which is really about you. (Again, some of us have been there.) He wants space.
0 Replies
 
bakergirl
 
  1  
Reply Sun 8 Jun, 2014 07:34 pm
@chai2,
My deepest apologies for offending you over the use of his name. I have tried to delete the post to no avail. I've also tried to edit it which proved useless. I'm writing all of this here because I'm a writer. I need to get my feelings out otherwise they fester inside of me. I had no intention of hurting or offending anyone. It was merely an act of therapy for myself. I will continue to try to delete the post.
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Sun 8 Jun, 2014 08:09 pm
@bakergirl,
use the Contact Us button at the bottom of the page

tell the admin/moderating team that you'd like to have the person's name removed
0 Replies
 
giujohn
 
  0  
Reply Sun 8 Jun, 2014 08:32 pm
Quote:
I'm writing all of this here because I'm a writer.

Sometimes I really cant understand how people can be so gullible. (the readers, not the writer!)
0 Replies
 
bobsal u1553115
 
  0  
Reply Mon 9 Jun, 2014 06:30 am
@chai2,
Dang, Chai and you went after me for "OK so....."?
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  -1  
Reply Mon 9 Jun, 2014 08:56 am
@bakergirl,
bakergirl wrote:

My deepest apologies for offending you over the use of his name. I have tried to delete the post to no avail. I've also tried to edit it which proved useless. I'm writing all of this here because I'm a writer. I need to get my feelings out otherwise they fester inside of me. I had no intention of hurting or offending anyone. It was merely an act of therapy for myself. I will continue to try to delete the post.


You didn't offend me, and it wouldn't matter if you did. You need to worry about offending the person, and all the other people who have that name.

Hopefully, the adminstrators will remove it soon.

I'm not sure if writing letters to a specific person and posting it on an open forum where anyone can read it, is wise (read: It's not wise)

What did people do before the interweb and goggle?

When you do therapy on yourself, you must consider the results it will have on others.

Edit: The administrators removed the name, thank goodness.
0 Replies
 
 

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