Psycho Ex-Mistress

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I am really at a loss here. My boyfriend (of 4 years) had a one night stand. I was devasted as we've both been through so much together. He was deeply regretful and we've decided to try and work things out.

Problem? This girl won't leave him alone. She's now tried contacting him twice. I have not had the opportunity to confront her. The first time she tried reaching out to him through a mutual friend. His message was that he wasn't interested and chose to be with me. The second was a "harmless" email regarding something stupid. I think it was just her way of trying to get inside his head. He emailed her back like it was nothing. When she responded, he ignored her. He believes that ignoring her is the answer.

However, I find her blantant selfishness and disrespect to mean that she won't be ok with just being ignored. This woman won't leave him alone, but he doesn't want to create a lot of drama.

So, what should I do? Should I email her and tell her to leave him and our relationship alone? I really want to confront this terrible woman, but I don't want to look like a psycho girlfriend in the process.

Sometimes I feel like I should "let sleeping dogs lie".... but this woman is no good and I don't feel like she is going away anytime soon.

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@jpod2,

Sounds to me like you've only got your boyfriend's side of the story, and you know he's a cheat. Don't be so quick to believe him.

Quote:

The first time she tried reaching out to him through a mutual friend

Whose mutual fiend? Yours? Your boyfriend's? If it's yours, try to get their take on what's going on. Who else knows about this? Try asking some of them.

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@jpod2,

jpod2 wrote:

I have not had the opportunity to confront her.

...

So, what should I do? Should I email her and tell her to leave him and our relationship alone? I really want to confront this terrible woman, but I don't want to look like a psycho girlfriend in the process.

You are confronting the wrong person. This woman did not cheat on you, your boyfriend did. You want to forgive him so you blame her, but that is completely backwards. You are two women competing for a man's affection and you are winning. You should not involve yourself with this woman in any way shape or form. She owes you nothing.

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@jpod2,

jpod2 wrote:

I am really at a loss here. My boyfriend (of 4 years) had a one night stand. I was devasted as we've both been through so much together. He was deeply regretful and we've decided to try and work things out.

Problem? This girl won't leave him alone. She's now tried contacting him twice. I have not had the opportunity to confront her. The first time she tried reaching out to him through a mutual friend. His message was that he wasn't interested and chose to be with me. The second was a "harmless" email regarding something stupid. I think it was just her way of trying to get inside his head. He emailed her back like it was nothing. When she responded, he ignored her. He believes that ignoring her is the answer.

However, I find her blantant selfishness and disrespect to mean that she won't be ok with just being ignored. This woman won't leave him alone, but he doesn't want to create a lot of drama.

So, what should I do? Should I email her and tell her to leave him and our relationship alone? I really want to confront this terrible woman, but I don't want to look like a psycho girlfriend in the process.

Sometimes I feel like I should "let sleeping dogs lie".... but this woman is no good and I don't feel like she is going away anytime soon.

You're getting ahead of yourself here.

She's contacted him twice, not a hundred and fifty time. On the 2nd occassion, he ignored her response.

Ignoring her is the right thing to do. If she contacts him again, and he ignores her, she will eventually stop.....Just not on your timetable. He's just got to ignore her and not respond on a consistent basis. That is the key.

Don't stir the pot. Work on your relationship, and just put the ignore button on whatever she does.

Frankly, you sound like you're consumed with jealously. He's made the right decision to ignore her. You and he can't control if she's going to try to contact again, but he can control if he responds.
You say she's the one that wants drama, but you're doing more than your fair share of the drama making too, saying her trying to contact him twice "not leaving him alone" If she tries to contact him a dozen times, he just needs to ignore her a dozen times. If I were him, I wouldn't from this point on even tell you if she tries to to contact, since it gets you into such a tizzy. If I were him and she attempts further contact, I'd just be an adult and ignore her. Period.

It's a simple as that.

BTW, a one night stand does not make her his mistress.

1 Reply

Girlfriend or mistress?

1 Reply

@bobsal u1553115,

Are you asking me if it makes the 2nd woman his girlfriend as opposed to mistress?

No, it makes her someone he fucked once.

1 Reply

@jpod2,

Why would you want to confront a woman who owes you nothing?

Your boyfriend cheated. He's the one to be confronted, if anyone is to be confronted by you.

Stay out of his relationship with his other girlfriend/one-night stand/mistress.

___

Spend some time thinking about why you want to blame the person who doesn't owe you anything.

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

Apparantly that part is done. She said he's regretful and they are trying to work things out.

I think she has to work out in her head that confronting this other person will just increase and extend the drama, which she says she doesn't want.

Which is what you said in your last sentence of course.

Ah, to know then what we know now.

1 Reply

@chai2,

For no particular reason....

My husband and I were napping yesterday, then woke up and just started a sleepy, low key conversation.

We both agreed that with age, things that once would have destroyed our relationship is now just something happening, and not worthy getting in the way of what's important.

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@engineer,

Thank you for your response. Just to let you know. I did confront my boyfriend and we decided to work things out. I do hold him responsible too, however - and without going into so much detail in my original post - this particular girl new I existed and still pursued him. So I don't feel wrong in wanting to deal with her too - she's an issue. I guess I was just wondering how I could get her to leave him and us alone. That's all.

1 Reply

@chai2,

I am in no way jealous of this girl, whatsoever. She is a problem and I was trying trying to seek some non-judgemental advice, since I've never been in a situation like this before. Not sure what else I would call her. To me she was his mistress. They slept together.

1 Reply

@jpod2,

jpod2 wrote:

I guess I was just wondering how I could get her to leave him and us alone. That's all.

You don't.

That's all.

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

ditto.

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@jpod2,

jpod2 wrote:

She is a problem and I was trying trying to seek some non-judgemental advice, since I've never been in a situation like this before.

So, did you only want advise from (a) people who have been in this situation before, and (b) are going to tell you to confront her, since that's what you're itching to do, and that would make the response non-judgemental?

It's funny, the only time posters say they are being treated judgementally is when the advice given is not what they want to hear.

As far as what to call her, you call her nothing. All she did was **** your boyfriend once. That doesn't make her anything to him.

This woman has contacted him twice, and you are calling that "not leaving him alone".

Apparantly she hasn't done it again since you started this thread, or your bf has wised up and decided not to tell you if she texts him, and is choosing just to ignore her, or block her.

That is what you need to do to, unless you want misery.

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@jpod2,

The best thing to do is for your boyfriend to ignore here. In most cases they will eventually go away. Although psycho chics can get very clever to try an initiate a response, and sometimes it isnt so easy. Twice doesnt seem like a whole ton and i wouldnt label her psycho just yet. I fear if you email her this will create more of a problem as it wont just stop at 1 email if she truly is psycho. One word these people have a way of disappearing and just when you think they are gone...They're back..sometimes many months later...Just a small warning..

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@jpod2,

Ask yourself this question. What does confronting her accomplish?

You cannot "make" her stop trying to contact your boyfriend. So confronting her will not accomplish anything toward that end. In fact, it may just energize her to continue trying to contact him just to get even with you for confronting her.

So, as others have stated, why don't you forget about her and concentrate on the things you can control, like the relationship with your boyfriend. Trust me, if he ignores her, she will go away.

1 Reply

@CoastalRat,

I agree any sort of contact by you or him will give more of a reason to contact him again.

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@chai2,

There's something not quite right with the wording of this op, do you agree?

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@jpod2,

I don't think she qualifies as a mistress if she was a one-night stand.

Also, an approach through a mutual friend and a couple of e-mail messages (one encouraged by your boyfriend responding to the first) hardly makes her sound like a psycho-stalker.

I suggest you put this on the back of your boyfriend. It was his infidelity that brought her into your life.

Take your boyfriend's advice and ignore her. If she persists to the point where you find it unbearable, instruct him to figure out how to make her see that she has no chance and leave you both alone.

Personally I think you've misplaced your anger. She didn't cheat on you, he did.

0 Replies

Psycho Ex-Mistress

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