Why trust when it's such a crap shoot??

Forums: Relationships, Jealousy, Facebook, Trust
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Hi there
I want to change my jealous ways, oh I do. But I have a major roadblock.... Everyone F*#%s up. What's the point in this thing called "trust" when EVERYONE in some capacity lies, cheats, deceives, etc. if you are saying you don't, or haven't, then you are lying now. Whether it involves finances, whereabouts, or romantic behavior or feelings, there are times when we all lie to save ourselves from the grief honesty can bring. Or when we are really being a hero, we lie to spare someone's feelings.

My point (and question) is WHY and HOW does eliminate jealousy??
I have had much therapy over the years, changes many negative behaviors. But not this one. It has stuck w me all these years. I know the root. I can identify the emotion both at the moment and in hind sight. I have analyzed it back and forth. But it remains.

My new (er) relationship is mimicking my last. I see the pattern. But that nagging burning stomach turning sensation remains.

My BF is a great guy. He loves me. I am comfortable being myself in front of him. We have a lot of wonderful qualities in our relationship. But this wedge....

Most recent example....
I get mad when BF msg women on Facebook etc. it's pretty innocent (the wording). But in light of how I've (and he) been feeling in our relationship lately, to me it has a suspect element. He thinks I'm nuts. I say that's a cop out. I say i need him NOT to so exactly what I say... I don't want a puppet. I want him to understand that by doing things like this (no matter how "small" he may think it is) that I WILL INDEED feel jealous. The hope is, if he keeps that in mind, he will be making a conscious choice to either keep doing what he wants, resulting in more jealousy OR chose not to fuel that piece of my fire. And in time, saying "hi" to someone on FB will clearly not be the priority over a secure relationship.
I'm sure this post will bring mixed reviews. But that's ok. I'm really hoping for some insight or advice.
Thanks a bunch.

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View best answer, chosen by Whatistrust

Quote:

Whatistrust said: I get mad when BF msg women on Facebook etc.

Of course you do, you've got every right because he's in the wrong, not you!
Suspicion is fine, there's nothing wrong with it IF somebody gives you cause to suspect them like he's done, then you can ditch them with a clear conscience.. Smile

0 Replies

You can trust that at some time, everyone will lie. That includes you.

You can let yourself go and enjoy the moment that is, rather than projecting on the moment that will be, or the moment that was.

Practice staying in the moment. It just won't happen, it takes practice.

1 Reply

@chai2,

Yes that's a tricky one to stay in the moment... But then to eventually potentially be bamboozled. Uck.

1 Reply

If anybody proves themselves untrustworthy to me, I soon kick them out of my life on their butts.. Smile

"If you hang around with losers, you become a loser"- Donald Trump

1 Reply

@Whatistrust,

Whatistrust wrote:

I want to change my jealous ways, oh I do.

Quote:

But... I have a major roadblock.... Everyone F*#%s up. What's the point in this thing called "trust" when EVERYONE in some capacity lies, cheats, deceives, etc.

That's like a serial killer saying "I want to stop murdering people, I really do! But the stumbling block is, all those pretty young girls with their squeezable necks will keep walking around in the street, making me do it!

Quote:

I get mad when BF msg women on Facebook etc. it's pretty innocent (the wording). But in light of how I've (and he) been feeling in our relationship lately, to me it has a suspect element.

Innocent. But suspect. To you. There you have it.

Quote:

He thinks I'm nuts.

"Nuts" is a harsh word, but you certainly seem to have issues around trusting people, and self-esteem, that might benefit from some kind of therapy. Incidentally, to answer the question in your post title, we trust because we choose to. If you can't (or won't) do that, you need help to change.

Quote:

I say that's a cop out.

It sounds totally realistic to me.

Quote:

I want him to understand that by doing things like this (no matter how "small" he may think it is) that I WILL INDEED feel jealous.

He probably does understand that. But he probably does not want to abandon having a normal life.

Quote:

The hope is, if he keeps that in mind, he will be making a conscious choice to either keep doing what he wants, resulting in more jealousy

In other words, you want to control him.

Quote:

OR chose not to fuel that piece of my fire.

It sounds like you think that your "fire" is the most important thing in your relationship, and that everything must bend to that. Good luck keeping that guy.

Quote:

And in time, saying "hi" to someone on FB will clearly not be the priority over a secure relationship.

It wouldn't damage a secure relationship. Yours is not one of those.

2 Replies

@Romeo Fabulini,

Quote:

"If you hang around with losers, you become a loser"- Donald Trump

oh the irony

0 Replies

@contrex,

Good points. To my credit I'm aware that these behaviors are detrimental. I have worked for years to better myself. Despite that, I haven't been able to change this part of me Sad

I likely will lose him.

1 Reply

@Whatistrust,

Whatistrust wrote:

Good points. To my credit I'm aware that these behaviors are detrimental. I have worked for years to better myself. Despite that, I haven't been able to change this part of me I likely will lose him.

Maybe, maybe not, but you need to find yourself. Have you sought help? If you have not, maybe it is time to do so, and if you have, to seek more.

1 Reply

@Whatistrust,

Whatistrust wrote:

Yes that's a tricky one to stay in the moment... But then to eventually potentially be bamboozled. Uck.

Well, that was certainly staying in the moment. You lasted 10 whole words.

From that response, it seems you're more concerned on you looking foolish (being bamboozled) then what is going on in the big picture.

I love it....you preceed the act of being bamboozled with "eventually", "potentially". You're so busy looking for a potential hurt someone in the unforseen future, you **** up what is going on right now.

You also missed my first sentence......You CAN trust. You can trust that everyone, INCLUDING you, will lie at some point, or do something that breaks a trust.

Accept that, and not just mouth the words.

We are all human, and at time hurt others. You can trust that.

However, the overwhelming part of the time, things go fine, even great.

You realize this type of thing is a lifelong endeavor, not a quick fix by posting on an internet forum, don't you?

1 Reply

@contrex,

Great post contrex.

0 Replies

@contrex,

I have. The "funny" part is... I feel like I do know myself. I feel like I have some pretty solid points on why trust is more of an image than a real thing. I'm by calling it baloney. All this I would be personally content with. But I realize what that does to a relationship. So I'm hoping for a good trick or something that will help me soothe myself in these moments so I don't feel the BURNING so intensely.

0 Replies

@chai2,

It's not about looking stupid. It's about warding off painful situations. You say we will all hurt others. And I whole heartedly agree. So again, Why trust ??!?

1 Reply

There are a lot of untrustworthy people in the world, so as soon as you find out they're untrustworthy steer well clear of them.
On the other hand there are a lot of good trustworthy people in the world, so they're the ones to stick with.. Smile

0 Replies

@Whatistrust,

Whatistrust wrote:

It's not about looking stupid. It's about warding off painful situations. You say we will all hurt others. And I whole heartedly agree. So again, Why trust ??!?

For the third (and last) time, I said we can all trust that things like lies will be told to us, and we will also lie.

You said you didn't want to be bamboozled. That is not about warding off painful situations.
You're afraid of the pain of looking foolish, of being taken for a fool.

If someone let's say cheats on you, you are taken for a fool.

For the third (and last time), you are currently too caught up in the past and the future to live in and enjoy the present, apparantly even for a moment.

No matter what is said here, you will continue to lament what is to be, or what was, and say you're unable to live now.

Good luck to you.
Things will slowly change when you put in a consistent effort over a long period of time.

That's all I have to say about this.

0 Replies

In respect of unwelcome feelings that we don't want to have, I once asked a (young, handsome) Catholic priest how he coped with the fact that there are attractive women everywhere. He said, "You can't stop the birds from flying over your head, but you don't have to let them build nests in your hair".

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Why trust when it's such a crap shoot??

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