In love with a bisexual man, I have questions

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Hello,

I have some questions and wanted to ask for advice.
I have been with my boyfriend for 9 months. He told me 4 months ago that he thinks he is bisexual but has been hiding that aspect from everyone. It doesn't bother me at all that he is bisexual or has had sex with men. We love each other so much and we both think that we could spend the rest of our lives together. He is having identity confusion issues because he is worried he might be gay or in deep denial about his bisexuality because I one of the only people that knows. We have been so open about it but we broke up this week because he feels that he needs to figure out his sexual identity without me, otherwise we can never be together.

My question is how do I/we know if he is gay or bisexual? What could he do to help figure out his identity? I want to help him find his identity and be happy with himself so we might have a chance to be together forever.
I am open to suggestions and any help!,,,

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Type: Question • Score: 5 • Views: 1,291 • Replies: 15

[+3] - Pearlylustre - 05/24/2014Good on him for being honest with you. One of my best friends was married to a gay man for over 10 years - it doesn't lead to a happy ending. I think you need to leave it to him. He's been clear...

@SweetNlow,

Good on him for being honest with you. One of my best friends was married to a gay man for over 10 years - it doesn't lead to a happy ending. I think you need to leave it to him. He's been clear that he needs some space. He'll come back to you if he wants to - but it might just be as friends. Get on with your life.

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It does not matter if he is bi or not.

He has broken up with you because he wants to explore his sexuality.

So that's a nice way of saying he is planning on cheating on you, and he let you know in advance.

Wake up and see this for what it is.

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@PUNKEY,

That wouldn't be cheating as he has already told her and broken up with her.
He has every right to want to and to go ahead and explore his sexuality without her in the mix.

This happened to me many years ago, back when people rarely talked freely about all this. I figured it out several years later; I was more knowledgeable about homosexuality by then and remembered that one day he had tried to tell me, but I was clueless about the subject. I wrote him, and we've been long time friends since then. That was in the early seventies, that I was crazy in love with him.

SweetNlow, let the man go! (as if you could or should stop him..)

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@ossobuco,

I have no intention of stopping him from exploring himself, I just want to help him be able to figure himself out because it is so hard on him.

We love each other a lot and want to be together, but both know he has to find these answers before we can continue with the relationship or realize there never can be a relationship.

Is there any way to help someone figure out if they prefer men or women?

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@SweetNlow,

I understand better now, re your take. My instinct is that he is the one to figure it out, he will know his body and needs more than advisors, but I suppose there are therapists out there who can help with this.

My old friend went to a therapist at the time, and, in retrospect, I know that helped him. I had figured it was all about rage re his mother, but I was of course wrong. He was probably bi back then (we had wonderful and loving sex, which just about no one has believed me about later, but he must have been confused then), but he settled into a many year gay partnership relatively few years after that.

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@ossobuco,

Jen worries her date might be gay.

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@izzythepush,

(I still can't see youtube vids except once in a while from some other odd source)

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@ossobuco,

That's a shame. The IT Crowd is very good.

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@izzythepush,

I like my computer a lot otherwise, but it's too old now to get adobe flash mediated videos. I can see Guardian vids, part of my changeover to reading that.

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@ossobuco,

From what I know about him and his desires he seems bisexual, I think he wants to make sure that he isn't gay and is bisexual because he doesn't want to ruin our lives later down the road with his confusion.
Maybe if he goes an explores his desires with men openly he will figure it out.
It's just really hard breaking up when we both don't want to and all we want is to be together.

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@SweetNlow,

Excuse me? He is basically saying to you, "I love you but I've got a lot of sex that I need to do (with whomever, it really doesn't matter) so I am going to leave you now."

If he loved you he would not be doing this.

I don't understand your being so naive about this.
Cheating is cheating. He has told you he is going to cheat on you. And you talk about loving each other. No, he does not love you. He may be a sex addict and one person is not enough.

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@PUNKEY,

He isn't necessarily going to have sex, just take time for himself, or even go on a date with a man for the first time to see if there are any feelings there?

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@SweetNlow,

SweetNlow wrote:

I just want to help him be able to figure himself out because it is so hard on him.

he may need the support of a counsellor for this. it's great that you want to be there for him, but your involvement with his exploration is probably just going to confuse things for both of you.

good for him for letting you know that he needs to sort this out. give him the space to do that on his own.

get on with your own life in the meantime.

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@PUNKEY,

Cheating is sneaky.
This man is not sneaky.

I think you have a problem of your own you are putting on to the questioner.

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@ossobuco,

No - o- o. Believe me. All's right in my world.

But if my BF said that he needed to explore his sexuality with other people, then I'd consider that cheating on OUR relationship and I would not delude myself as this OP is. I would not say "Go ahead, sweetie. I understand you have to get this out of your system.'

Remember - she said : "we broke up this week because he feels that he needs to figure out his sexual identity without me"

That means he IS going to act out, somehow.

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In love with a bisexual man, I have questions

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