What do these people want?

I usually read the opening blurb and am flexing my fingers, ready to type that the author should grow a backbone, then I usually see that Jespah or Chai has already posted something along those lines.

On the rare occasions when I see the thread first, my one fat finger typing is so slow that when I finally press the reply button, my post appears underneath one from Jespah or Chai, saying the exact same thing.

I hate those fast typing women.

2 Replies

@chai2,

chai2 wrote:

All these posters with the romance problems. Always with the "what do you think?", "what should I do?", "what did he mean", etc.

Do you think they are more looking for someone to agree with them, or for some magic bullet answer that requires little effort?

What do you think?

Have people always been so unable to navigate a relationship, or do we just hear more about it because of the internet, or has it become worse because of the internet?

In another century, I was obsessed with a girl named Joyce.
That obsession lasted well over 20 years,
when she rejected my friendship, more than 30 years ago.
During that obsession, I used to discuss it with my friends.

I heard a saying that conversation is the river which
carries emotional pain away from the heart. A catalyst.

I felt better after doing it.
That was well b4 the Internet existed.

Sometimes, talking about it is all u can do;
its that or nothing.

Good night, Mrs. Kalabash, wherever u r.

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@Lordyaswas,

I also love to answer in the same style sometimes, like text speak or one big sentence with no punctuation, where every other word is 'like' or 'dude' or 'lol'.

1 Reply

@Lordyaswas,

I thought you normally talked like that.

Okay, fer reals - one thing to keep in mind is that these folks are self-selecting. The people who are really together aren't coming here for advice because either they don't need it or are getting it from other sources. Their inability to read each other is partly due to so much electronic communication, I agree; it's also due to pressures to declare something as love at a very early stage. This is an immediacy generation in all respects. Fast communications, fast food, fast transportation, and fast relationships. Finally, the pull of electronic intimacy, coupled with their youth (they aren't all super-young, of course), accelerates things even more. They expect to finally say hi to their crush of three weeks, confess their undying love and get married, all within the space of an hour. Everything else in their lives is fast, they reason. Why shouldn't this be? And when it isn't, that baffles them to no end.

We're also seeing a ton of people from China and India, and they are navigating cultures that have smart phones on one hand and dating rules and mores that date back to 1941 at best.

And as for the repetition, yeah, it's annoying, but these people don't know they're being repetitious. They think their issue is unique and since it's a matter of the heart they don't go Googling for a solution beyond something like 'love problem' and that sort of a search brings them here.

I suggest kindness (of course), and if their repetition is annoying, their topics can be collapsed and never seen again. I also ask that the graffiti tagging stop now. It's passive-aggressive and nasty, and it does no service to people who are attempting to use this service for the purpose for which it was created in the first place. Thank you.

1 Reply

@chai2,

Personally, (in most cases) I think they simply want confirmation. I think they know the answer - just sometimes when you are close to something (even something obvious) you are biased and so personally involved you want an unbiased person to confirm it.

There are others though - and it becomes apparent via their responses - that wants some one to agree with their insanity and say it is ok to be unreasonable/immoral, whatever.

1 Reply

@Linkat,

Linkat wrote:

There are others though - and it becomes apparent via their responses - that wants some one to agree with their insanity and say it is ok to be unreasonable/immoral, whatever.

Yes, those are the one's I'm talking about.

Yeah, there are those who ask for opinions, look at them, discuss it out, and take what they can from it. People do get confused, and need a sounding board, and are truly asking for input.

Others though.... I'll be honest, there's not a lot of empathy to spare for someone who just wants agreement, or the magic bullet (which are the one Jes alluded to. The one's that can't understand you haven't even met him, how can you plan your life together)

1 Reply

@chai2,

I think that is why I answer these "questions" sporadically. I stop for a while and then I see one and think -- well this person really seems like they want some help/moral support or whatever -- and then I start answering them again. And you get the person defending their indefensiveable action or the situation that ain't going happen that they want and I give up again...

only to get involved once again.

I guess maybe I am the one that is insane falling for this crap.

2 Replies

@Linkat,

Linkat wrote:

I guess maybe I am the one that is insane falling for this crap.

Me too.

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@Lordyaswas,

I sometimes am very close to the edge of a response when I sit back, think about what an asshole I can be with snotty responses, and then I transpose that kids question into my daughters voice and then quit it.

I would rather discuss hunting for wild mushrooms anyway.

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Regarding the morality of affairs - this is a big world represented here and different cultures have less strong views on it than many of us americans do and many cultures have hugely stronger views on it. And all these world cultures can break down into differing views within the cultures or even within small groups, even break down re genders.

I gather that most affair participants that post here live in the U.S., where most/many feel affairs are unwise if not immoral, at least for those who didn't agree to an open marriage.

So many hook into marriage/partnership as early as they can - see Jes' take on the immediacy of needing it to be love - and then find themselves in a stew sometime later. Wisdom, such as it is, is usually obtained later than sooner, re what love and marriage really entails.

There's also the confusion between infatuation and love. I figure there always has been.

1 Reply

@ossobuco,

This reminds me of my old take on Elizabeth Taylor, who of course I didn't know, but that didn't stop my then opinion. That, for her, if you had sex that meant you had to marry.

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@jespah,

jespah wrote:

I thought you normally talked like that.

Okay, fer reals - one thing to keep in mind is that these folks are self-selecting. The people who are really together aren't coming here for advice because either they don't need it or are getting it from other sources. Their inability to read each other is partly due to so much electronic communication, I agree; it's also due to pressures to declare something as love at a very early stage. This is an immediacy generation in all respects. Fast communications, fast food, fast transportation, and fast relationships. Finally, the pull of electronic intimacy, coupled with their youth (they aren't all super-young, of course), accelerates things even more. They expect to finally say hi to their crush of three weeks, confess their undying love and get married, all within the space of an hour. Everything else in their lives is fast, they reason. Why shouldn't this be? And when it isn't, that baffles them to no end.

We're also seeing a ton of people from China and India, and they are navigating cultures that have smart phones on one hand and dating rules and mores that date back to 1941 at best.

And as for the repetition, yeah, it's annoying, but these people don't know they're being repetitious. They think their issue is unique and since it's a matter of the heart they don't go Googling for a solution beyond something like 'love problem' and that sort of a search brings them here.

I suggest kindness (of course), and if their repetition is annoying, their topics can be collapsed and never seen again. I also ask that the graffiti tagging stop now. It's passive-aggressive and nasty, and it does no service to people who are attempting to use this service for the purpose for which it was created in the first place. Thank you.

In my opinion, it's AGGRESSIVE-aggressive and nasty, and it does no service.

David

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@Linkat,

That's true; there are definitely people who are looking for validation of their actions.

I feel like creating a check list.

Don't get married if you aren't sure if you should get married. Breaking up is cheaper than divorce.
Breaking up is not quitting; you are allowed to not stay together just because you've got a track record with someone.
Getting hit once means you will be hit again. And again. And it will escalate. Get out before the injuries turn into permanent ones.
Having an affair hits up the pleasure centers in your brain. So does learning new stuff, exercise, and laughing at a really funny movie. All of those are a lot cheaper and nicer.
Most marriages operate under the expectation of full fidelity on the part of both parties. If you want an open marriage, then the time to talk is before the ceremony. But if it's after the ceremony, and you want to open up your marriage, talk! But don't be surprised if the parties aren't on the same page.
Friends with benefits is rarely an equivalent proposition. Almost always, someone gets shafted, and not in a good way. It's all the fun of ******* without the heavy lifting of putting on makeup or paying for dinner or introducing someone to your friends.
You don't need to be exclusive immediately. For the first few months, unless you have specifically agreed to it, it's okay to see other people. This is how you learn who you like the best.
If you're going to sleep with more than one person at a time, use a condom. EVERY SINGLE TIME. Same goes for if you're going to sleep with people who you're not (yet) in a committed relationship with.
Divorce sucks and it's painful but if you've got kids, fight for custody and for support. Both are of value and not just economically. Don't just go along to get along and 'be nice' about things. Your children will go without shoes if you're too 'nice'. Or they'll grow up without you.
Even the worst of divorces, unless there's abuse involved, can be a place where you can be the bigger person. Wanna scream your head off? Go to a scenic canyon and do so. But when it comes to court and the rest of it, be a grownup and bite your tongue. You once loved this person, and you may have offspring with them. Act your age and don't be nasty. This will be cheaper for you economically and you'll sleep better at night. But if there's been abuse, then feel free to let it all fly.
Counseling is a good option and can help a lot of people. And, if you have children, I suggest trying it before splitting up (unless there's abuse involved). Why? Because it'll be harder on the children than it will be on you and your possibly soon to be ex, and your kids didn't ask to be born into your crap. So give it one last old college try, and teach your children that love is worth fighting for. But if you've tried, and it won't work, or you're being abused, don't be afraid to walk away, and teach them that sometimes things don't work out, but you can still build a good future.

Egad. Now I'm exhausted. I should nap after such an info dump.

1 Reply

I think one of the reasons i dislike this type of thread, and why i usually stay out of them is that young people (never mind the cogent considerations Jespah mentioned) are talking past one another and can't see it. Young men, essentially, want to get laid. If they do, they are suddenly in the position of re-assessing the "relationship," and often realizing that this is not someone they are interested in spending a lifetime with.

Young women are in love with the idea of being in love. They think they should be in love, and they think that people should love them. So they convince themselves that they love someone they really don't know, and put up with abuse, and what might be worse, indifference, because of a dedication to an ideal of love. It also makes it difficult for them to see when they have hooked up with a guy who just wants to get laid, and otherwise has no interest in them.

I dropped out years ago after too many threads in which some young woman would say "but i love him," after having described indifference or abuse, and after three or four people here had tried to politely and gently point it out to them.

1 Reply

@jespah,

Not to self - from now on when we get a relationship question simply cut and paste from jespah list.

Will save us all.

1 Reply

@Setanta,

That's a rather antiquated view of young women. I think this new generation of women have become far more assertive. It's a natural progression.
Most young women I know including my daughter (19) are more in love with the idea of being in a good career than being in love.
In fact I think you might actually be describing todays male.

2 Replies

@eurocelticyankee,

eurocelticyankee wrote:

That's a rather antiquated view of young women. I think this new generation of women have become far more assertive. It's a natural progression.
Most young women I know including my daughter (19) are more in love with the idea of being in a good career than being in love.
In fact I think you might actually be describing todays male.

BURN!

Have you visited my " end of men" thread? Your comments track with my view that young men are in trouble in many ways, including their forced feminization.

1 Reply

@eurocelticyankee,

You haven't been paying attention. As Jespah pointed out, this is a self-selected group of young men and woman who come here because they can't figure these things out for themselves, and/or they don't have social resources which will lead other people to advise them. The people you speak of don't come here asking for "relationship advice."

1 Reply

@hawkeye10,

I have not seen your thread,
but I find it very hard to believe
that any young man worth his salt
can be forced to be feminine.

1 Reply

@OmSigDAVID,

Apparently there isn't as much salt as there used to be.

1 Reply

What do these people want?

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