No idea what to do in this situation of infidelity (interesting details). Please help.

Forums: Relationships, Marriage, Divorce, Cheating, Affair
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Hi. I'm looking for advice. I know every situation is different and we are in charge of our own decisions but I have a tough decision here and need advice on my situation because I have no idea what to do or how to go about it. I have been married to my wife for a few years and things have gone down hill recently. I've been actively trying to do everything I can to fix the relationship. Here's where it gets interesting. My gut feelings told me that something was up with her but I continued to trust her. Not too long after that I was confronted by her friend who let me in on some things that she felt really bad about but thought that I needed to know. She told me that my wife had been seeing another man and had on several occasions engaged in sexual activity with this man. Now I value the trust her friend had in me to risk their relationship to tell me those things and I can't confront my wife about them or let her know that I know. I let them go for the time being since I was told it did not go all the way. Things have gotten better between us over the past few months since this but my gut feeling has told me recently that something is up again or hasn't stopped. I happened to find my wife still logged into facebook one day so I snooped through her messages and I found some interesting messages to the man her friend told me about but nothing that would prove her guilty. I asked her friend some questions and she would not give me details but said there have been some things recently but that it has not gone all the way.

So here is where I need help. Given the situation here and not being able to use the information from the friend whatsoever, what advice can you give me? Should I try to dig more information out of the friend before making a decision? Or should I start making plans to divorce her? If I start making plans to divorce, how can I do that on grounds of just "suspicion" of infidelity even though I have some pretty rock solid proof? Or do I hire a private detective to follow her? I know this is something I need to decide for myself but I need your input. Thank you!

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Type: Question • Score: 10 • Views: 2,897 • Replies: 10

[+5] - jespah - 05/19/2014You seem awfully eager to be judge, jury, and executioner here, and based upon stuff that seems pretty damned flimsy. Whatever happened to, you know, talking to your wife? Not about infidelity,...

@wtf to do,

You seem awfully eager to be judge, jury, and executioner here, and based upon stuff that seems pretty damned flimsy.

Whatever happened to, you know, talking to your wife? Not about infidelity, more like - are you happy?

As for not being able to say anything, why the **** not? This is your marriage we are talking about here. If this so-called friend has sworn you to secrecy or some other such nonsense, check that person's agenda. They have put you into an untenable position and you need to tell them, screw it, I am talking to my wife and you are not going to stop me.

Why? Because your primary loyalty should be with your spouse and not some pal who, like I said, seems to have an agenda. But you seem eager to either hire a PI to get your wife caught in flagrante delicto or head straight to divorce court without such proof. Hey, if you wanna do that, by all means, go and knock yourself out. But if it turns out your wife is innocent and you're overreacting, or this friend was out for revenge on your wife and was all too happy to manipulate you, or anything of that nature, then don't cry if you've got Buyer's Remorse.

Divorces are no-fault in a lot of the United States. But it doesn't mean they are easy, painless, and/or free. Wanna pay spousal support, and child support if there are any kids? Wanna maintain two households? Then by all means, go ahead without any real proof, and see what happens.

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@wtf to do,

1) tell your wife's acquaintance (she's definitely not a friend) to back the **** off. tell her you are NOT interested in gossip. do not speak to her again.

2) talk to your wife.

3) talk to your wife again.

4) ask yourself why you are willing to listen to gossip about your wife AND to snoop rather than speaking to your wife

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Thank you for the replies. Let me be a little more clear on a few things that I left out. I try and have tried to talk to my wife and she shuts me out. She gets defensive and then angry almost immediately. We have zero communication about relationship stuff because of that. Frankly I don't even bring things up anymore because of it. I did try again the other night and she's still upset with me. On the part about the friend, I agree completely but she didn't come to me, I reached out to her and she was reluctant to tell me anything but eventually I dug it out. So out of respect for her I don't want to put their relationship in jeapordy. I'm more interested in somehow finding the truth out myself. In the mean time I have continued as if I know nothing at all and my wife suspects nothing.

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@wtf to do,

Keep working on communicating directly with your wife.

If she doesn't want to, consider getting in touch with a counsellor to work with you alone as well as perhaps, eventually, with your wife.

You have no evidence of infidelity (no interesting details). You do have evidence of a communication problem in a relationship.

Snooping isn't going to improve your communication skills.

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@wtf to do,

Hi bro,

This is real serious issue and has to be dealt correctly with zero fault. First thing, I can make out how the days are tough when man comes to know such things about his wife. REAL TUFF YOU SEE !!!

simple -

1. You can bring up the fb chat [if there s intimate chat out there that you have seen] before your wife and ask for clarification. You have every right.

2. If you strongly suspect adultery, please find it out accurately yourself, I repeat ACCURATELY.

3. Finally, if YES it is your call - forgive her if she repents when she faces the truth (or) otherwise.

Bro - It is your call.........but please be patient and do things correctly. Be definitive and kindly do not rush.

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Quote:

Wtf to do said: I'm looking for advice.

Firstly do NOTHING until you get some HARD SOLID FACTS and then take it from there.
For example in Shakespeare's Othello, people were spreading rumours that Othello's wife was running around with another man so Othello strangled her and then found out she was completely innocent and that the rumour-mongers were lying through their teeth to make a fool of him..

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@wtf to do,

I completely agree with advisor-kpr and Romeo, they grasped the must important point of these subject. You got to dig to know what is happening. Only harsh facts can help you out. Never decide unless you are sure.
Women can become really stubborn when trying to make them communicate on some subjects. She may not want to talk about it either because she feels offended or because she is guilty. So if you personal ethical principles allow you to investigate, do it.
Many cheaters wont accept their guilt even when confronted with proof in your hands.
So dont rush to divorce or courts, use what her friend told you as a base to construct a case. If you love that woman and dont want to lose her and at the end its all a horrible missunderstanding you wont lose her.
I understand your feeling of despair. We are with you Bro.

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@wtf to do,

As im having problems in my own relationship sometimes things can get confusing and or cloudy even if for others it may seem clear. So i do undertand somewhat what you are going through. Gut instincts are usually correct in most cases. However, Gut instincts can also become easily clouded and can be wrong at times as well. Right now you do not have much proof other than your gut and possible "gossip". If this person took the chance to tell you part of the story, she should tell you everything than she Knows not a half ass story. She's already opened up the "can of worms", at this stage she should just tell you what she (supposedly ?) knows. You need to ask questions and do some careful investigating or snooping if you wish to call it that. Women can be more clever than us men when it comes to cheating . In these cases i like to enlist the help of at least 2 trusted female friends. Fight fire with fire i say to help you get into her mind and get a females perspective on things. I would lean on the friend to spill the rest of the beans and take it from there for the time been. If she can divulge anything that may help you get more concrete evidence it will be the best way. Your wife is already alerted to the fact that you may be on to her. So if she is cheating she will now be more careful and weary.

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@wtf to do,

Quote:

Let me be a little more clear on a few things that I left out. I try and have tried to talk to my wife and she shuts me out. She gets defensive and then angry almost immediately. We have zero communication about relationship stuff because of that.

I'm trying to work out why you have zero communication because she get's angry if you raise the issue...

...the first question you ask is 'Why are you getting angry?'

...and you sit down and listen. If she says 'because x & y' you explore that (not in an attacking way) in any number of ways, for example:

(rephrasing as a question) You feel x & y when I ask (for example) if you are happy?

...and you listen

...and you explore

Any if she gets angrier and tries to shut it down

'why are you getting angrier'

If she tries the 'you're interrogating me' line, you have many avenues (for example, simply stating) 'I'm asking what you are feeling'...

You may even say "I want us to be happy together, and I'm trying to understand your feelings so that we can be happier together...and I don't understand why you are getting angrier.'

...and listenning...and exploring the answer

__________________________________________________

The way she answers will tell you as much as the words she uses.

Besides, you already know she's unhappy.

p.s. A note on communication. We can only ever do 3 forms of communicating: Listening, asking questions, and telling stories.

The last category may be incredibly broad - but I use the 3 categories to point out that most people pay very little attention to the skill sets utilised for the first two.

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@wtf to do,

Don't trust the friend! She may be jealous of your wife...or of your relationship. Ask your wife is she is happy in your current relationship. Is she distant? Does she seem irritated or on edge often? Are you intimate? She could've simply grabbed a handful of underwear and stuffed them in her bag. There is always a possibility of infidelity...talk to your wife. As far as the phone call from years ago...Wow...get a grip. Who cares about the "friend"? Tell your wife.

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No idea what to do in this situation of infidelity (interesting details). Please help.

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