Reply
Tue 13 May, 2014 12:13 pm
I've been with my husband about 16 years. I've been with him since I was a teenager and always thought we had an open, liberal, adventurous, kind and very special relationship.
At the end of January, I found out that he had started up an affair with a young stripper. My husband had sex with the stripper around Thanksgiving. He says that he was only in the stripper's vagina for a few thrusts but he used ZERO protection. He also licked her pussy a few times over the two months he saw her and kissed her breasts and she sucked his dick briefly, according to him. He spent several thousand dollars to rent her time, bought her a Christmas present and other gifts and even made her a present by hand. He did not get me a Christmas present although I got him one. This was the only year that he has not gotten me anything for Christmas. I poured a lot of energy into making Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the New Year special. All the while, my husband was developing feelings for this stripper. He did seem a bit distant during this time and so I asked him point-blank if he was having an affair. He told me, "No. I could never dishonor you like that."
He and the stripper texted a lot and talked for hours on the telephone. I thought he was just busy with work and his new business and so I tried to give him emotional space. He brought the stripper to his new store that he just opened and gave her free gifts that he was supposed to be selling. The store is adjoined to our house and so it feels like he brought her over to our house.
I went and met the stripper and I begged her to take an STD test but she refused. She told me that my husband had asked to lick her asshole, licked her feet, and told her he was fantasizing about getting her pregnant. This is particularly hurtful to me because I wanted to get pregnant but he didn't want to yet and I'd been waiting patiently for us to talk more about it when he started straying. The stripper told me she thought I was a really nice and beautiful person and that I should leave my husband because even she was pretty grossed out by what he was willing to do to her and she thought it was wrong that I didn't know where he was.
A month after I found out about the affair with the stripper, my husband confessed to me that he had had an additional affair during the time he was seeing the stripper. I guess the stripper told him he had a small dick and that he couldn't please his wife and that he should learn to lick a pussy properly. He got upset and called up a transgender woman (male-to-female pre-op) prostitute from an ad in the paper. At first he said that he didn't do anything with the prostitute. As the days went by he started to drip more information out. It was very frightening and scary to me to learn that things were even worse slowly. I almost had a heart attack finding out yet another horrible thing each day. I think I know everything by now but I obviously cannot say that with any certainty because my husband is a liar.
The transgender prostitute had hardly any breast tissue, no wig on, and basically just looked like a man. The prostitute also said that she was not a bottom and so she/he fucked my husband in the asshole. My husband says that the prostitute used a condom and that he did not give the prostitute a blowjob because he found that unappealing. My husband has always wondered about his sexuality but says he's only interested in women and that he hated his experience with the prostitute. I've pushed him pretty hard about his sexuality but he says he is not gay, just not totally straight. I'm very liberal about sexuality so I never cared too much but now, I have NO IDEA what this means really.
I've gone and gotten tested with my husband and I will go again to make sure that nothing shows up. I'm worried to death that I'll get some disease.
I'm sick, disgusted, angry, hurt, betrayed, ashamed, I have no words to explain how AWFUL I feel. Both my husband and I are now seeing individual counselors as well as a marriage counselor to deal with all this. I love this man very much but I can't believe he lied to me for two months and had these two affairs and PUT MY LIFE and ABILITY TO HAVE A BABY AT RISK. My family and his family want us to try and work it out and I still really want a baby but I just feel as though staying in this marriage means that I have ZERO self respect. I love this man so much and we had the best relationship ever. I have no idea why he did this to me. I'm trying but I JUST CAN'T UNDERSTAND. Even he can't point to there being anything especially wrong with the relationship we had.
I should say that my husband has had two other internet affairs with video cam girls. He sent photos of his dick to them and started to develop feeling for them and would write them long emails about his life and spent a lot of money. One of them happened when we were still teens and the other right as we were getting married.
I've stayed with my husband because he's the only family I feel like I have. My family treats me very, very poorly-- they make me feel like I do not matter and that my feelings do not matter. I'm afraid to lose the only person I have who understood me. But it's clear to me that I cannot say that my husband will not cheat on me again.
I don't want to fail at my marriage. I would feel embarrassed to fail. I've worked hard on it for so long. I don't know what to do. I've been trying to get pregnant but I think my stress levels are too high. I feel I can't live with myself (or him because I no longer trust him) if I stay but I love him and I love what we have had.
It's not failure to get out of a relationship (even a marriage) that isn't working. Really, it's not. And if you wait, let's say you want to give it the old college try, the bottom line is you have a husband who can't keep it in his pants and has had two physical affairs and two emotional ones. And that's only the stuff you know about. And it'll be harder when you're older, if you have a kid or two, etc. And it'll really be tougher if he brings home a disease. 'Cause that's the direction this whole thing seems to be hurtling toward. You said so yourself that he's a liar, so he's untrustworthy. Wanna continue essentially making money for him to spend on hookers and beer? That stripper owns your Christmas present from 2013. How does that make you feel?
You say your family doesn't treat you well, but that they are also urging you to work on your marriage. So **** 'em; their opinions in this area might not have the greatest of motivations behind them.
It sounds to me like you are isolated in your life, whether by design or inaction is immaterial. By feeling that this cheater is the only person who truly understands you, that is rooting you to the spot.
I'm glad you're both going for counseling. Maybe talk to your counselor about your isolation, and why you seem to be at least implying here that you can't make friends. Perhaps it's time you looked outside your marriage, too, but not for an affair. Rather, to make some friends and have a life outside your union. Maybe find some people who (platonically) understand you, and I think you'll see that you don't need this crap.
@jespah,
Thank you so much for your encouraging words!
I didn't used to be so isolated. Actually, I was a social butterfly. My husband never wanted to hang out with other people and he didn't want to pursue any of the social scenes that I was into. After many years of doing things on my own, I guess I started getting tired and not making so many friends. I've also been molested a lot and am pretty afraid of people hurting me so without my husband hanging out with me, I just stopped going out. I do still do things by myself all the time but it's different when you're married but out by yourself.
I have this stupid idea that if I do give my marriage "the old college try", as you say, he'll never do it again. He is very remorseful and really wants to work it out and has gone out and spent thousands of dollars getting me presents. But then I also don't know that I can ever get over this. I imagine our future kids wondering why I'm not more loving towards their Dad and me wanting to tell them that he hurt me really bad a long time ago and I never got over it. I guess I'm just afraid of everything. I don't understand how I love someone so much who has had 2 physical affairs and 2 emotional ones. I feel like a dumbass still being here.
@saddestpersoniknow,
You're not dumb. ****, as they say, happens.
Maybe the way to make friends is different from when you were younger. Maybe that path lies through something like joining a club in your area. Meetup has all sorts of stuff that people can do together (go to movies and critique them, quilt, act, whatever you like). Ask him to come with you to start, if you like. Then at least you can get involved in something with less fear.
Counseling can be a means of trying to make things work. It can also be a means of developing and perfecting an exit strategy. Or it can just be a place to vent. You'll decide how that goes, when you get right down to it.
If you want to try again, maybe put a deadline on it. Six months? A year? Something concrete but not too long. Up to you if you want to share the deadline with him (there are pros/cons to either way. Telling him gives him more honesty but it also gives him the opportunity to behave for 6 months or whatever and then he might feels he's got license to backslide when the probationary period expires). Once that time period is up, reassess things. Are you happier? Do you feel trust is repaired sufficiently? Does your future together seem brighter and more optimistic? Or does it feel like same old, same old?
And don't get pregnant during this time period, if you decide to go this route. Don't introduce that kind of a wild card into things.
Hope this helps.
@saddestpersoniknow,
payback sex, video tape it, and show it to him. or divorce
@classicalcynic,
**** 1 of his friends or something
Stumble It!
Tweet This
Bookmark on Delicious
Share on Facebook
Share on MySpace