Confused and Guilty

Forums: Relationships, Guilt, Marriage, Cheating
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I am a horrible person. Horrible. Just horrible. I am having an affair with another man, one who is 8 years younger than me. I have been with my husband for 15 years (no kids), married for 12. I was 19 when we started dating. We have had our ups and downs, but he is my best friend. But that is the problem. I am not in love with him, and feel as if I have changed. I am not rationalizing my affair. I know the affair is wrong. We haven't slept together, it has been more of an emotional affair for 5 months, until we kissed last week. Passionately. I am in lust with this other man, I am not going to deny that. Nor am I going to deny that I know I should stop, and put this energy into my marriage. I have been trying. But the spark isn't there. He has no drive, no ambition, no passion, no dreams. I want more in life. I know that I have a decision to make. Separate from my husband and explore life on my own, which may be lonely and full of regret or cut off ties with the other man and continue to work on my marriage to see if things improve, which I would have to exercise extreme will power for and at the current rate and our attraction to each other, I could see us going farther than kissing. After we kissed, the other man told me I was now a cheater, and did I know that? Yes. I had been one emotionally for months. He said it wasn't fair to my husband (he is right). He hadn't kissed me up to that point because he didn't want either of us to feel bad, but he has asked me to get a divorce pretty much every week for months. What is your opinion? There is definitely something lacking in my marriage, or this wouldn't be happening. My husband loves me, and I love him, but its changed. We have talked about it, and about things that need to change in our lives, but its been months and he has made no effort. I am discouraged. I am confused. As much as I don't want to hurt him by separating, part of me feels like we both need some space right now. I feel suffocated. I like the other man, but I do realize that he is just a symptom of a bigger problem and in no way do I think if him as the "one" or whatever. I don't know whats happening to me. I feel like I'm on self-destruct mode. Advice! Please!

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Type: Question • Score: 7 • Views: 3,101 • Replies: 11

[+5] - jespah - 05/12/2014I'm not a fan of this other guy. Why? Because here he's gone and put pressure on you for months, then you kiss and[i] lookie what we have here[/i] - suddenly he gets to call you by a not so nice...

@vem79,

I'm not a fan of this other guy. Why? Because here he's gone and put pressure on you for months, then you kiss and lookie what we have here - suddenly he gets to call you by a not so nice name.

He's awfully complicit in all of this. That all seems horribly passive-aggressive to me.

My advice? Counseling. Ask your husband to go. If he refuses, go without him, but at least go. Talk it out with an impartial observer who can listen to your issues and keep your secrets. Work on why this guy seems so attractive to you, and determine what your next steps are going to be.

There is another option, you know, and that's to go on without either of 'em.

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@jespah,

Thank you. I currently cannot afford a therapist, so I google. And google. And google. This is my first post somewhere. I know I am broken, and that I need to figure out in what way and how to fix it. I just don't know what the right answer is. I have told my husband that I am not in love with him anymore. I have told him how I feel. I have not told him about the affair, though I know I should. I don't want to hurt him, and don't want to hurt myself, either. Yes, this other man is definitely passive-aggressive, and it isn't fair of him to flirt with me and ask me to get divorced and then call me out when we kiss. But it is the truth. I feel almost like I should leave my husband because I don't feel like I can be trusted, and don't want to go down that path. The kiss was far enough. Except I want more. Wrong, I know. Unfair to my husband, most definitely. Alone might be the best option. I wish I had people I could confide in. But I feel terribly alone and also don't want to rush into any decisions. At the same time, I feel like I'm leading my husband on, like I'm only hurting him more. Which I am. I must be. I feel like I only have one foot in my marriage, and part of my problem is that I lack the desire to put the other foot back at this point. I feel like I'm lost.

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@vem79,

Then maybe jumping into an affair is not such a great idea, yes? At least not until you get your head cleared up a bit.

Can't recall who said this, but the idea was, you don't drink and drive (or at least you shouldn't), so you also shouldn't go into relationships without being all there.

As for therapy being too expensive, there are alternatives. Is there a clergyman you could trust, maybe? Do you have a friend who is maybe not your absolutely closest friend, but who will keep a secret? I suggest not a best friend as the emotional component might not work there.

You aren't being treated terribly well here, by the second guy. Why give him more than a kiss? I mean, just as a cost-benefit analysis here, if you're going to essentially end your marriage, maybe do that with someone who's not so damned passive-aggressive.

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@jespah,

I have had some friends who were marriage and family therapists, and at least one of them saw some clients on a sliding scale because of their financial situations. I don't know how prevalent that is, but there may be therapists/counselors out there who don't cost an arm and a leg. Maybe even just one visit could help. Maybe there is a marriage and family therapy institute that could tell you if that is possible.

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Thank you. I confessed to my husband. We are taking it from there.

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@jespah,

100% agree with jespah. No matter the situation and marriage -- things change and evolve during a marriage that is normal. You say you love your husband so that means it is worth working on. It isn't always going to be all sparks. Be up front with your husband. Let him know you want to work on it with him and suggest getting counseling... like jespah said if he refuses still go on your own. It will help you decide and work out what is best for you, your husband and the two of you as a couple.

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@vem79,

Just read you cannot afford it -- some suggestions - talk with your doctor - you may be covered with medical insurance. If you or your husband work at a company - check the benefits. Many have benefits that would cover this - I have such a service where you can call and even over the phone get advice. Ours is called employee assistance program.

If you don't have any of the above, your church or reach out see what your community offers. There is free services out there - you need to search it out.

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@vem79,

Holy crap I feel I can relate quite a bit. I'm really of no help to you but maybe the comfort of knowing this happens to other people may bring relief. I've been dating a girl for 3 years who I think personality wise is amazing. Head over heels into her but the passion isn't there. I mean I'm not married of 15 years but I am saying I get the feeling to a degree. Its quite overwhelming having the feelings of love but at the same time bored and frustrated which in turn makes you confused. Do I risk leaving this person for passion but what if the passion dies out then I'll have nothing. Or do I stay with this person and fight these feelings but at the same time I can't. I'm human and I need passion. Any way.. Thoughts with ya on this one.

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@vem79,

I read your story and you sound like me. Exactly the same. What did your husband say when you told him, if you don't mind my asking? I also, haven't taken it as far as to sleep with the other guy....my body wants to, but in my mind....I know I can't.

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"I have told my husband that I am not in love with him anymore. I have told him how I feel.'

and he said . . . what?

People stay together for sex, the kids, or money. You are convinced that you are married to an emotionally AND sexually unavailable man . He now knows your thoughts and has done WHAT? Nothing? Begged for another chance? Changed his spots?

There you are . . .still waiting for some ACTION from him - all the time building yourself up into such a sexual tension that you seek an outlet with a guy who is pushy (for what HE wants) and is taking advantage of you (at your most vunerable.) ANOTHER emotionally unavailable man, only this one gives you the sex.

What are you waiting for? Why do you hesitate?

SOMETHING must be holding you back from you getting into a healthy way for yourself.

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@vem79,

I agree with Jes. This 21 year old based on what you wrote, is just that, a 21 year old that wants an older woman and is putting you down with words and being demanding much like a little kid right?

That's what you have there, a little kid. You know full well that won't work in the real world and if you went further, what will this kid do then? Leave you alone? I have a feeling not.

If you wanted my thoughts, I'd say 1) you have both been together from a young age off course you are best friends. 2) if you don't work on a relationship and keep spontaneity into it, fun, laughter, passion it turns to just "best friends" and it is hard to change that.

Often I think if one person doesn't try, it's because they don't know how. Or, they are fully aware that the spark has gone and worries about the outcome if they do try.

You don't have children. Go on a holiday together, spend a week away together talk about past things that you both remember that "are" your good memories, laugh, touch, hold hands and see how it pans out by the end of it and if it works, keep it alive after, don't allow work and life to get you back into a rut.

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Confused and Guilty

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