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Problem with gay life

 
 
e1er
 
Reply Sun 11 May, 2014 03:04 am
Hi, I live in a male hostel and since the beginning of the year I've made so much friends. The problem is that I am bi. The thing is that I am extremely specific when it comes to love. I only love a certain type of male and female. When I moved in the first day, I hoped that my roommate was not attractive, otherwise it would have been awkward. Luckily I did not find him attractive. So weeks passed and our section became quite close. Unfortunately I was attracted to the person living in the room across to mine. I have a policy that I do not make friends with people that I find attractive, but I was not the person who started the friendship, he was. We started to become really close friends. We have the same views about life. The thing that bothers me is that he does not like gays , but he acts as if he is gay. He is always touching me or hugging me and I am not used to being friends with someone who acts like that. He always looks me deep into the eyes and insists that I come out with him. He always wants me to meet his friends and drags me to the gym with him. I want to tell him how I feel but, I am afraid that it would break our friendship or that he would be mad because I did not tell him in the beginning. If he reacted in a negative way, I'll have to greet him every single morning knowing that he is pissed. The other thing that bothers me is that he is always chatting with one of his friends on his phone and told me that they love each other(btw it's a female). I really want to tell him how I feel because I cannot be friends with him if he does not have the same feelings as I have because it's too painful for me to hear how much he love his friend.I have no idea what to do...
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Type: Question • Score: 1 • Views: 1,385 • Replies: 17
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Buttermilk
 
  2  
Reply Sun 11 May, 2014 03:34 am
@e1er,
I have a few questions:

What do you mean he "doesn't like gays?"

Are you referring to the fact that he isn't homosexual? Or, are you referring to the fact that he is homophobic?

How do you know he is not bi-sexual like yourself? there are some bi-sexuals who hold the belief that they aren't specifically attracted to one particular sex (homo) so perhaps he may share the same feelings as you.

You also said:

"The other thing that bothers me is that he is always chatting with one of his friends on his phone and told me that they love each other(btw it's a female). I really want to tell him how I feel because I cannot be friends with him if he does not have the same feelings as I have because it's too painful for me to hear how much he love his friend."

If he established a close friendship before he met you with someone else I don't see how this should affect you. It's obvious you like the guy but I believe it's imperative to understand that if he has established some sort of close relationship with someone he met before you, you ought to respect that. In addition, I personally believe you ought to be honest. But be careful with your words because some men can become uncomfortable with another man telling them they are either in love with them or have some sort of sexual attraction. Some men do not accept another man's homosexual (or bi-sexual) attraction lightly.

In other words, you both hang out, have a couple of drinks, have some casual conversation then ease your way into a serious discussion of how you feel about him. Tell him the truth about you being bi-sexual find him attractive and that you hope to preserve your friendship by being honest about your feelings about him. As a heterosexual man myself, I think it's important for someone to be honest towards me as opposed to maintain a wall about their feelings and later me finding out.

Nothing turns me off male or female than someone who is dishonest and me finding out about their dishonesty.
e1er
 
  1  
Reply Sun 11 May, 2014 05:08 am
Thx for the reply. What I meant in that context is that he said that he is a homphobe. I do respect the idea that he might have a relationship, but it is tough seeing him typing the whole time. I really want to tell him ,but it's not easy. There is no point for me to be his friend , because it's painful for me to be his friend and know that there is a good chance that I am just wasting my time. I don't want to be just friends with the person I love
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e1er
 
  1  
Reply Sun 11 May, 2014 05:11 am
I just like to think that the chances of him being bi is so small. I am also wondering if it is normal for a straight guy to be so loving and like he is and trying to draw my attention the whole time
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Buttermilk
 
  2  
Reply Sun 11 May, 2014 05:46 am
Well I'm going to tell you that someone who is homophobic 9 times out of 10 they're not going to accept a bi-sexual man. In today's male patriarchal society someone who exhibits a homophobic mentality may see no distinction between bi-sexuality and homosexuality. Since you've stated he has expressed a homophobic mindset I think its important for you to scale those feelings back and just merely maintain your friendship from a plutonic level. Not to disappoint you but, with someone who has homophobic beliefs nothing good can come out of it save a miracle. I don't know any man I've encountered who was homophobic but remained close friends with someone who had a bisexual and/or homosexual orientation.

It would seem counter-intuitive for him to accept your sexual orientation but maintain homophobic tendencies. I still encourage you to be honest towards him but do not expect anything because unfortunately some people are set in their ways.

My question to you is:

How can you love someone that is unaccepting of someone's sexual orientation? That is almost like saying you love someone even though they expressed racist tendencies.
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e1er
 
  2  
Reply Sun 11 May, 2014 06:14 am
In some cases I am also a homphobe. I like to think that there are two types of gays, those who like attention and act as if they're females and the true homosexuals who keep their homosexuality to themselves. I am a homophobe when it comes to people looking for attention. If he is a homophobe like he stated, why is he showing such a gay side towards me?I am not really afraid of breaking our friendship, I am afraid of what might be the truth and that is that he is completely straight. If he is straight, I would not be able to see him again because the pain would be too much. Believe me, if I had the choice to not like him, I would choose it ,but it is not a choice like it is not a choice to be bi or gay, I was born with it. I don't care what people tell me but being gay is NOT a choice otherwise I would have chosen to be straight.
0 Replies
 
e1er
 
  2  
Reply Sun 11 May, 2014 06:19 am
Being bi really makes life much more confusing and difficult. I also cannot tell him that I am bi because I am not sure how he will react. If he would tell anyone, my whole life could be destroyed. If my roommate would find out in some way, he would probably throw me out of the room
Buttermilk
 
  1  
Reply Sun 11 May, 2014 06:35 pm
@e1er,
Wait...You have homophobic tendencies but you're bi? SMH
0 Replies
 
e1er
 
  1  
Reply Sun 11 May, 2014 11:37 pm
Yeah it's confusing...but I do not like certain types of gays
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e1er
 
  1  
Reply Sat 17 May, 2014 02:45 pm
@Buttermilk,
Well that failed miserably. He doesn't want to me anymore...Oh well. At least he knows the truth now. Hopefully he will change himself and we will become friends again
e1er
 
  2  
Reply Sat 17 May, 2014 02:45 pm
@e1er,
He doesn't want to talk to me*
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Sat 17 May, 2014 03:28 pm
@e1er,
So it goes, a phrase a lot of us Vonnegut readers used to say. I agree with buttermilk on honesty in this kind of situation. The thing is, this might be a start for him to change, maybe a bit at a time. I wouldn't put my hopes on immediate change at all, but your sense may be right, that he is bi. Or not.

I remember changing from someone's comment in a conversation that I disagreed with at the time, that filtered into my thinking and became my own opinion. I think I've made several changes that way, can sort of pinpoint them, way back when.

(I'm a heterosexual quite old woman; man I was crazed for in 1971 came out some time later and I remember now the scenario of his trying to tell me - years before the coming out - and me clueless, he just stopped getting to tell me and we left the beach.) We caught up years later and have continued to stay in touch for another thirty years.

Not all conversations will work out, but being yourself is good; sometimes quiet can be wise.

0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Sat 17 May, 2014 04:29 pm
I'd say you misinterpreted his actions, big time!!

Since when is looking someone in the eye, touching them while talking or being an expressive male become a homosexual "come-on'?

I date an Italian man and he has the same gestures and in NO way is he gay!!


e1er
 
  1  
Reply Sun 18 May, 2014 04:16 pm
@PUNKEY,
Yeah but Italians are known to be close. Where I come from, it is not normal...
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e1er
 
  1  
Reply Wed 18 Jun, 2014 01:59 am
What's the point of saying the truth will set you free...because it doesn't. Infact it makes it worse. I'm at the point of dropping my religion
0 Replies
 
e1er
 
  1  
Reply Tue 30 Sep, 2014 01:23 pm
So it has been months since I have posted. Telling the person was most likely the biggest mistake of my life. It nearly cost me a friendship. Neither of us spoke to each other for about two months and I started failing my subjects because I was so depressed. I decided, after two months, when I was furious to tell him that he must make a choice to either be my friend or tell me that he doesn't want to be and I will completely forget about him and our friendship. He said that he still wants to be my friend. The problem is that we are not as close friends as we used to be and it bothers me. I asked some advice from a few people and most of them said to just give it time. My big problem is why does he still want to be friends after all the **** that I caused him and also what should I do to become close friends with him again?
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Tue 30 Sep, 2014 01:58 pm
@e1er,
Because your "close" is not the kind of "close" he wants to be.

What "****" did you cause him?
0 Replies
 
e1er
 
  1  
Reply Thu 2 Oct, 2014 11:49 am
I told him the truth and that cost our friendship. That is the **** that I caused,
0 Replies
 
 

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