Advice/opinions on emotionally abusive husband

I take it your husband sees nothing wrong with his behavior and refuses counseling?

But your son needs to be protected, yes? And it might be a good idea to break the cycle of abuse and essentially teach your son that abuse is wrong and it's the kind of behavior that has consequences. Because right now, it doesn't.

Your husband's inability to work is not your fault and is not your responsibility. He has family out of state and should be able to at least go to them on a temporary basis. But you are not here to fix that. You need to think of yourself and your son. I'm glad you're getting counseling. You don't deserve to be accused of all sorts of crap because your husband's on serious pain meds that might be making him loopy. You don't have to take abuse in order to save him from being broke, either.

Thank you for your response. Yes my husband does not think there is anything wrong with the way he behaves. I talked to him about going to counseling with me and he wouldn't so I basically told him I was going with or without him. He thinks that I am just being overly-sensitive and then I begin to second guess myself and what I'm feeling. The fact that he sleeps all day while I am working is a huge issue for me. He always apologizes and tells me that it isn't intentional but then the situation doesn't change.

I think you're really strong to be going to counseling by yourself because you feel you need it. E. g. you're not letting him dictate terms.

The sleeping all day thing is often a sign of clinical depression (please note: I'm no doctor). One thing you might want to do is try to get him in to see his regular doctor. It's possible that his medications are interacting something fierce. Like I said, he could be imagining things that aren't there. The drug cocktail might be making him more short-tempered, too. It's worth a shot, whether you stay together, or not.

I think the word love comes in different forms. Being together since you were 14, it would be 1) hard to imagine yourself either alone or with someone else and 2) frightening as well.

But, if you were to close your eyes and visualise some guy laughing with your son, kissing you on the forehead, helping you with things in life and financially wouldn't that be a good visualisation?

That is love don't you think?

You say that you had a bad car accident 4 years ago, you suffered 5 herniated discs, ouch, I only have 1 gone and it's ok as long as I don't wear high heals too much but 5? And, you work, take care of your son, obviously do all the housework, cooking, shopping, everything.. Wow. You must be worn out and also in pain.

But I think I would like you to re-read this bit.

"He has not worked in 7 years". He wasn't working for 3 years before the accident casey..

He has a fear of you cheating and leaving him, threatening suicide, pretending that in his mind you must be or will. Steals from you as he has no money, doesn't help you as he says he is in pain, ignores you for weeks, plays mind games, ..

I understand you don't want to hurt him but that's "feeling sorry" for him.

I understand you don't want to hurt your son but you are also bringing your son up to see that nobody helps the woman and to see, his Father sleeping whilst he's awake, never playing with him. Perhaps your son would be better of with a happy Mum? With, a normal life? With the opportunity one day of having a Dad that plays soccer with him, or even soft ball throws in the lounge-room ( not putting down his disability).

I agree also that he more than likely is very depressed but the fact that he didn't work before all of this for 3 years is emotionally abusive to you, something you are used to and shouldn't be anymore, suggests that he didn't want to work before in any event, perhaps he was depressed back then from his own life dramas throughout .

We can't save wounded animals, or humans, we can save ourselves and live a happy life.

And, in that, our children.

I'd continue with therapy, remember your son needs love and laughter and even if possible a male (uncle) someone to do things with and you need love and laughter as well.

Guilt is a wonderful and effective weapon, isn't it? From what I can see, you owe him nothing and should act accordingly.

The truth is he's not safe for you or your son in his current state. Normally, I'd say confront him with the truth and tell him if he won't seek counseling, it's a deal breaker - however, in his state of mind as you've described (he uses threats to manipulate you) he may be ill enough to hurt you.

He's either dramatically altered by chemical addiction - or his injury and drug use has altered his mental health. These things aren't his fault, but they are a fact. Your first duty is to your innocent child. You need to remove the child from his dad's environment and try to create a healthy environment for your child.

Meanwhile, if you want to absolve yourself of marital responsibility into your future (or if you love your husband and want to overcome what has happened to him): after you are safely out of the home, offer your husband an attempt at reconciling which hinges completely on his joint therapy.

When you leave, maybe leave an explanatory note that lists the things he's done which are proof that he is not operating normally and that give evidence why you are afraid for your and your son's safety (threatening suicide, calling friends with nutty accusations, etc) Let him know you think these things began innocently (the accident, the need for medication that is highly addictive and mood-altering), but that it is now manifesting in a dangerous, frightening way, and you must take measures to protect your child and yourself. Tell him you know if he was thinking clearly, he'd be grateful you are doing what you're doing.

I hope something I said may be of some help to you.

I think he could hurt you in a drugged haze.

I was in a similar situation and felt horrifyingly guilty.

I know all about chronic pain. I've had 4 herniated discs (2 lumbar / 2 cervical), broken ribs, and a broken leg. I wasn't able to sleep on a bed for 1 year due to pain....I've always worked. Nobody can tell you how much pain you are in, but narcotics can be dangerous when taken for years...they can alter your brain chemistry. Doctors often feel compelled to continue to prescribe them at the patient's insistence. It's been years since the injuries. As far as I know, these are all injuries that heal. Don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean he won't experience any pain at all. Sounds like he needs to have another physician evaluate him. Another CT and MRI for instance. I took narcotics for two months only. They made me feel weird and not like myself, plus I couldn't work while on them. Spinal blocks worked great for me ( after the 3rd treatment the difference was amazing). I also did physical therapy. I still have bouts of pain, partuclarly during the cold months. I take Aleve and it works great. Phycological and physical dependance on mind altering drugs can ruin a person's life.

I urge you to read about chemical dependance in individuals post physically traumatic experiences. Particularly those in recovery.....it's common ...you'll be shocked at what you discover. Most of the ones that recovered stated they had a terrible fear of not being able to function without chemical help....it wasn't the pain....

Thank you so much for all the advice and opinions. I agree that he is addicted to the pain meds. He is always telling me I don't understand where he's coming from and I don't know how much pain he is in, which I agree with. But I am at the point where I question whether or not he truly is in pain or just being manipultive. The guilt I feel when I think of leaving is the biggest problem I am having. I am trying to realize that it is not my job to take care of him and I need to do what is best for me and for our son.

That's why you need an eval by another physician. I know you are hurting...but if you really do love him help him...don't become co-dependent...that'll just ruin you both.

Read, read, and read some more about cases such as his own. I'm not saying it's husband fault...I'm saying it happened , it is what it is. Now...get yourself some real help. Educate yourself concerning these issues...there are so many people trapped in an addiction cycle due to spineless physicians. I've seen so many recover.

Thank you for you reply. Unfortunately he refuses to go to any other doctors because he says he is tired of doctors. I have tried talking to him about my suspicions that he is addicted to his pain meds, and others in my family have talked to him about it as well. But he gets defensive and says it isn't true. I told him that it isn't his fault that he became addicted- he is taking the medication as perscribed but that I feel it has changed him. He doesn't see it though. He does say that his doctors are going to begin weaning him off the meds but he's been saying that for a year or two now so I don't know how true it is. I have also been talking to him about talking to the doctors about his sleep. He won't do that either because he says he doesn't want to get referred to other doctors- again he said he's tired of going to so many doctors and no one being able to help him. I have been reading what I can find about perscription drug dependence. I will continue to research.

Ask him to do it for you and your child. Tell him things aren't as they should be. Don't subject yourself to guilt trips. Get therapy yourself so you can get stronger. Therapy really helps you understand the situation , and can help you adopt a stronger stance and outlook. Your life and your child's life quality also matters. It's ok to have needs of your own. If the situation is dysfunctional and he chooses to not cooperate to improve it, it's ok to walk away. Don't assume the role of savior...some people don't want to be saved.

Germlat, I think you have given some excellent advice.

My husband is in chronic pain, as well as having other life changing health care issues.
I don't talk much about my personal life here, but I have said before that he has been addicted to the a number of the same drugs the OP mentioned in her initial post. He also has depression, and goes through his ups and downs.

The pain is real. Sometimes he could work while having the pain, sometimes he couldn't. We're talking about over decades. Honestly? I'm not going to second guess whether or not the OP's husband is unable to work or not.

Pain and drugs can make you a different person, someone you cannot recognize, someone you would never want to know. However, the real/orignal person is buried under it all.

Frankly, I'm surprised at the number of people who are suggesting leaving him based on the fact that, basically it's not her problem he's in pain, or depressed, or that she made it through the accident ok, and he didn't.

When you're in extreme pain, you don't willingly get addicted to pain meds, you do because there's no alternative if you want to be able to keep from going mad. However, the meds bring on their own madness. At least in the short term you found a little relief.

I would hate to think if something had happened to me putting me in such a state, the person I made vows of "in sickness and in health" would leave me based on the fact I was insane with pain and addiction to drugs I started out taking to calm the hell I was living in.

To the OP, is he getting all his meds from the doctor, or is he also getting them off the street?

Does he see a pain management specialist?
It would be a good idea to go with your husband, or go alone to visit the doctors and explain the situation.

In my situation, I think the turning point (actually one of the turning points) was that my husband was in the hospital at the time he had an appt with a doctor I knew wasn't giving him good care, was letting my husband fool him, and would not listen to me as to my husbands behavior when I would go with him to his appts.

I literally fired that doctor at that point, went to my physician, and explained the entire situation to her. We made an appt for both of us to come in a few days hence, when he would be home.
We showed up and husband (I call him Wally here) thought he was going to twist her around his finger, the way he did with the other dr. He basically told her "I need this, this and this" and she simply said "Oh Wally, I can't do that. I'm going to have to refer you to a phychiatrist to discuss your needs for those medications."

caseylv, that was just the start of a long process, years. It didn't just turn around over night, and there have been setbacks along the way. However, the progress is there, and I would be able to see more and more the real Wally inside.

I'm not at all saying "you must stay with him because you married him and took vows" The best course of action may be to leave him.....but, it may not.

However, when he makes outlandish accussations, is that him talking?
He has to want to make changes in his life, but as his partner, you need to put the tools in front of him. He isn't even aware those tools exist apparantly, at this point.

I don't know exactly what you can do to maybe get the ball rolling. However, you need to decide if it's even worth it.


EDIT: You have to realize too, that he is, as least while this is going on, going to hate you for it.

Good post Chai...it's complicated. I have similar values when it comes to being loyal to one's partner. But--I don't know the extent of her circumstances. I wouldn't want to live in uncertainty and fear. I think you were very proactive and it worked...you're right change doesn't happen overnight. I know people who overcame addiction and were happier for it...in spite of chronic pain issues. I was stunned as to how easily physicians opted for simply writing me a narcotic pain prescription, rather than providing better options. I have also seen people change dramatically after becoming dependent on narcotics.

You're right, it's very complicated.

It can get really ugly, and there's no guarantees in life.

It's also true I've always been proactive.

I know some people are unable to be that way.

I don't know the answers for the OP, just throwing out thoughts and hopes.

My heart goes out to you Casey. Guilt is the most destructive emotion.
It takes a very strong woman to be proactive.
I know because I was with one for a long time.
After years of my nonsense she threw me out.
It was the best thing that could have happened to both of us.

All I can say is: Take care of yourself and your daughter first...then your husband.

Again, I appreciate all the responses. It is such a complicated situation to be in and that makes me very depressed and confused. I get angry about the situation because he refuses to look at himself as anything other than a victim. In the past when we have argued about him not helping me around the house he has told me that I don't look at him as a victim. He also told me that I want a maid, not a husband. I really want an equal partner as I feel like I have been a single parent for so many years. As in, my husband is physcially here, but he is asleep when my son and I get up in the morning until anywhere between 4 pm and 8 pm, and sometimes he sleeps for 24+ hours, so it's like he really isn't here. I have also told him I don't feel like he's trying to better his situation. The doctors tell him to walk and he doesn't. He has gained about 100 pounds since the accident because if he isn't lying in bed, he's lying on the couch. He stopped going to physical therapy a year after the accident. He has had several injections in his back, he has had 3 minor surgeries so far involving burning the nerves in his back to dull the pain, and removing part of the bone. I have a hard time understanding where he is coming from just as much as he doesn't understand where I am coming from.