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Sadness, abandonment after end of affair.

 
 
Reply Mon 28 Apr, 2014 03:16 pm
I recently had an affair (both of us are in long-term primary relationships with other people). It ended somewhat abruptly (not by my choice), and I am faced with this terrible isolating sadness and a feeling of abandonment (especially emotionally).

I don't think my affair partner is a bad person, but I think I was treated poorly by him (he felt guilty for a very long time and I think he took it out on me). I'm not feeling guilty about it (I love my partner, do not plan on him finding out, do not plan on leaving him, and I never did).

I think I'll get over it, it just really sucks. I can't understand how he could end it in such an abrupt and abandoning way. I can't wrap my head around hurting someone (even if no one is to "blame") and then abandoning them all at once.
 
PUNKEY
 
  3  
Reply Tue 29 Apr, 2014 08:30 am
I have been where you are.

If you really think about it, the relationship was not going to really result in anything. That is just one realization that you have to accept.

In the meantime, make a list of the positives and the negatives about the relationship (even his relatives and financial picture) After REALLY thinking about it, I had several more negatives than positives.

That's the rational reasoning to use. Now - about the emotional.

Time does help. Cry, exercise, keep busy, don't listen to music that reminds you of him, and most of all - look for that replacement love.

I really had to work on forgiving him for hurting me so. But then I decided that "that's the way he was" and he really could not have handled anything better than how he did.

The biggest hurt was my pride i.e. how DARE he drop me like that!! When I was able to let that anger go, I felt better. I guess the biggest thing was that the affair did not end like I wanted it to, and that was a blow to my control/pride.




Birtyo
 
  2  
Reply Tue 29 Apr, 2014 09:39 am
@PUNKEY,
Recently, i have broken up with my boyfriend. It was really hard, but later I found out he was USING me to get another girl, my childhood bestfriend actually. So, maybe, this break up was for the best! And don't worry, you'll soon find someone special in your life. Hope this helped Smile
Birtyo
 
  1  
Reply Tue 29 Apr, 2014 09:40 am
@Birtyo,
this was meant to be commented at the person who posted this.
0 Replies
 
catspajamas28
 
  1  
Reply Tue 29 Apr, 2014 01:02 pm
@PUNKEY,
Thanks.

It sucks.... I know all this. I never thought our relationship wasn't temporary, but I didn't expect the loneliness I'm feeling right now to be so awful. I have a lot of love in my life - my husband, I love him dearly, he loves me, so it's nothing to do with that. (and I don't feel guilty, so it's not that).

It's just a void now of something that I liked/thought about a lot, now missing abruptly. And I have no emotional support. I don't know how to deal with my own emotional reaction to it. Sad I just wish I had someone to ask me how I'm doing or offer me some comfort. I don't understand why he can't do that for me, it seems like the human thing to do.
catspajamas28
 
  1  
Reply Tue 29 Apr, 2014 01:05 pm
@Birtyo,
Thanks. I do have lots of special people in my life, I just didn't expect losing this person to be so hard, and so isolating. I know he has flaws, etc... but I'm not a very judgmental person in general, so I have trouble disliking a person wholly based on their flaws or bad behavior. I am judgmental of his abandonment of me, I guess, because I don't really understand it the way it's playing out.
Martie
 
  1  
Reply Tue 12 Aug, 2014 01:41 pm
@catspajamas28,
I'm exactly where you were now. It's hard. I too feel very lonely and saddened at the loss of someone I cared deeply about. At the moment getting to the other side of this seems impossible but what is the alternative? He is gone I must accept this and move on.
Eliusa
 
  1  
Reply Wed 13 Aug, 2014 08:59 am
@Martie,
Martie,
when you had him, what were you feeling? Complete comfort? Or something else?
Eliusa
 
  1  
Reply Wed 13 Aug, 2014 09:15 am
@catspajamas28,
Could that be that he got an ultimatum from his wife? And there was no way to let you know?
How are we girls getting ourselves in this?
0 Replies
 
Martie
 
  1  
Reply Wed 13 Aug, 2014 09:38 am
@Eliusa,
It felt right and that that was where I was meant to be.
0 Replies
 
MissLady614
 
  2  
Reply Sat 6 Sep, 2014 12:57 am
@catspajamas28,
What about his wife and your husband? Have you considered what they must feel during the time of your affair? Maybe neither knows but when it gets revealed (and it usually does) both will think back on the times things seemed odd and off balance in the relationship and know that you and your affair partner are cold, heartless, selfish individuals that deserves each other.
Eliusa
 
  0  
Reply Mon 8 Sep, 2014 08:53 am
@MissLady614,
Maybe if they were not so self absorbed and fucked their spouses as they were supposed to - none of this would have happened???
If someone gets cheated on - it is not simply because their 20 years of life spouse is a slut. In 99% of cases!!!
chai2
 
  3  
Reply Mon 8 Sep, 2014 09:48 am
@Eliusa,
Eliusa, we have taken a vote, and have appointed you to be the only poster allowed to answer marriage/affair questions, as you do such an excellent job.

Your insight is spot on, and no one can dispute your research.
Eliusa
 
  -1  
Reply Mon 8 Sep, 2014 10:01 am
@chai2,
In return I am proposing to appoint you a royal comedian and give you THE hat with bells. What size are you wearing?
0 Replies
 
One Eyed Mind
 
  1  
Reply Mon 8 Sep, 2014 10:21 am
I cannot recall a time in my life where I acted against my loved ones. You might want to consider that there is more than a relationship issue, OP.
0 Replies
 
animalloving
 
  1  
Reply Tue 16 Sep, 2014 08:29 am
@catspajamas28,
Very common after an affair. If you want to do something like this, go headstrong and think nothing of it. Or don’t do it at all.

How did it end?
0 Replies
 
onlymeonlyme
 
  1  
Reply Fri 15 May, 2015 06:02 pm
@catspajamas28,
I am in this exact position since yesterday! How are you, now, a year later down the track? I am hurting and sad even though he was kind and gentle in breaking it off .
0 Replies
 
Tialou
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 May, 2015 02:55 am
@catspajamas28,
i just have a quick question...no judgement at all but curious because i too am feeling like i need to experience new things.

how do you not feel guilty on your partner?

if you don't mind me asking...what are the reasons behind having this affair in the first place?

do you ever worry about Karma?

how do you know he wont find out and are you prepared to lose him if does? or did he find out? (this was posted last year)

tell me if i am prying but i am in a very confusing situation and am just curious.

There is really no judgement from me at all

sorry i know this is an old post.

Thank you
0 Replies
 
 

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