Tue 22 Apr, 2014 04:05 pm
Sorry for the incoming wall of text.
It's been a while since I've been on here. A little over a year ago I was detailing things I girl I was interested in was doing around me and asking if people thought she liked me. We ended up together and this Sunday is our one year anniversary.
However, I'm feeling a bit fed up lately. It's not an exaggeration to say she's always busy. Frankly, I feel like she doesn't have enough time for me and I'm just some hobby to her on the backburner. To give this some context: in February I saw her once the whole month and we hung out for about 3 hours. In march I saw her once, we saw a two hour movie and that was it. In April Ive seen her once, and it was 45 minutes to go out and get coffee. I have literally only seen her 3 times in 3 months. Normally I'd be waiting a week or two between seeing her, but this is just unacceptable. I never considered myself clingy or needy, but I do love this girl and seeing her so infrequently upsets me very much. I always feel very sad when I send my weekly message asking if she's around and she says no.
Back in February or March or so, I talked to her about how I felt there was a lack of communication in our relationship and how I had been feeling a bit depressed lately. She understood and did put in some effort to respond to my messages faster (she would previously take 6-8 hours to respond to "what was the physics homework?" Or "how was your day?". And when she did respond, it would be a one or two word response. "How was your day?" "Meh." How was the SAT? "Meh." I feel like it's not hard to write more than one word and give me a response that actually let's me know how things are going). She started to respond a bit faster and with more words and info which I greatly appreciated.
For background, we are both in junior year in high school and college preparations are ramping up. She has AP work to do and is on the varsity softball team. She does a club via the school and club volleyball on Sundays. I understand that she likes to have lots of activities and be busy, but frankly that always makes me feel like the least important thing on her radar.
I have always put up with it, but my last straw recently snapped. Prom is coming up soon and I asked her if she'd want to come down to my vacation house with me for the day afterwards with a couple of our mutual friends, and she told me she had already made plans to go out with a friend of hers that she doesn't even really like (she frequently complains about her and how mean she is). I kind of expected that on prom weekend, you'd want to hang out with your date who also happens to be your boyfriend of a year, but I guess not, and this really hurt my feelings.
I think that, while I would drop anything to hang out with her of I knew she was around, she only hangs out with my if she doesn't have anything else to do. I know that she will be gone the whole month of July and then other miscellaneous weeks to visit colleges, so over summer break I will probably only see her 3 or 4 times.
So I guess what I'm really looking for is some advice on how to deal with this situation. Like I said, I do love her, and I want this relationship to work out, and it greatly pains me to be thinking about breaking up with her so seriously, but I can't deal with seeing her once a month. I think I should try to talk to her, but I don't think there's a way to talk about it without making the conversation a "me or your activities" thing. And as mentioned before, I've been feeling depressed lately (basically the only time I'm happy is when I'm with her or with my friends) and the longer I go without seeing her, the more depressed I feel; and frankly, I feel like I shouldn't be in a relationship where it is making me feel more depressed than usual.
If I were to break up with her, I would wait until after our anniversary and prom, which means I wouldn't do it until the end of May or beginning of June.
Thank you for any serious responses.
You are NOT her boyfriend so stop deluding yourself that she has any feelings for you at all. There is NO anniversary and no special times with her. She has you in her "irritating friend zone."
In fact, break the prom date and find a gal who understands what fun that entire weekend can be.
Not sure if this is a tongue in cheek response or if you actually think I'm lying about the whole thing. I asked her to be my girlfriend last April and she said yes, we've kissed and done a bit more, so we are dating. If you're suggesting she's lost feelings for me and is just trying to distance me you could've said so.
I was looking for legitimate responses here as I'm torn up about it, not people claiming that what I spent 10 minutes or so writing is a big lie.
I think Punkey was trying to tell you that while you believe you are her boyfriend, and she may say you are her boyfriend, you aren't being treated like a boyfriend.
You are being treated as if you are someone she doesn't want to spend time with.
Talk to your girlfriend directly about all of this. Talk to each other about how boyfriend/girlfriend relationships work. Maybe she really thinks of you as her boyfriend and just needs to learn more about how to treat a boyfriend with respect.
Talk to your girlfriend.
Alright, thanks for the clearer response, I just wasn't really sure what Punkey was getting at. Sorry Punkey for the angry response but I'm clearly not in a good mood haha.
Thanks for the response. I plan on talking to her but am finding it difficult to talk about it in a way that doesn't insult her, as that wouldn't help the situation either.
I definitely don't feel as though I'm being treated like a boyfriend.
You said: " in February I saw her once the whole month and we hung out for about 3 hours. In march I saw her once, we saw a two hour movie and that was it. In April Ive seen her once, and it was 45 minutes to go out and get coffee. I have literally only seen her 3 times in 3 months. Normally I'd be waiting a week or two between seeing her . . . "
That is NOT "going" with someone.
You seem to want more in a relationship. Find someone whom you can actually see and talk to often in person. That is really "going" with someone.
I feel for you and your situation. Also, when people offer advice here and elsewhere, they sometimes lack empathy and/or sympathy. They may react in ways that can be a slap in the face. This can be either good or bad.
Objectively, I will tell you from my perspective she seems not be on the same page. I realize this hurts a bit more than you can handle right now but you either need to back off or regard this as a friendship-ONLY, if you can. She is not telling you the full truth about where she wants this relationship to go. She either can't or won't give you what you want.
When you ask for advice on relationships, however, you may read opinions that are harsh, opposite or just plain useless. If you get angry at the advice, that doesn't accomplish what you want. Also your anger tips others off to your over-sensitivity.
I wish you the best but this doesn't seem to have a happy-ever-after with her.
I see what you're saying now, sorry again for my earlier response. Thanks for the advice, I've talked to a couple friends about it and they all seem to agree that since I barely see her and she's always busy the relationship is going nowhere.
Thanks for the response Ragman.
I only got angry at the earlier response because I misinterpreted it and took it as being accused of lying about the whole thing.
Would you recommend talking to her about it first, or just breaking it off without doing so? If there's any chance to fix it I'd like to try but I am also coming to the conclusion that this just isn't really going to work.
I'm saying you should prepare yourself for being in a non-romance with her. She has other priorities and it's been that way for awhile. Having a drawn-out discussion about where it's all going might not be where you want to go.
I looked at your thread/s from last year.
If it is the same girl, she may not know how to treat a boyfriend right. It seems like she had some social skill deficits back then.
If you think you can still have a good time at the prom with her, I'd suggest you at least try to talk to her about what you both would like from a boyfriend/girlfriend. It might not work out, but you'll definitely be able to say you tried.
I seriously was near tears reading your post, because that's exactly what's been happening with me in my situation now, with my boyfriend. I wish I could help, as I understand just what that whole "one-sided" relationship feels like. It's indescribable being in love with someone who never seems to have time for you, or puts absolutely zero effort into making that time happen. It really weighs down on you
However, to me it seems like we're similar in terms of the frustration and hurt feelings. I think that any girl would be lucky to have a guy who cared and loved as much as you do. I know I would have done almost anything for my boyfriend to treat me the way you treat your girlfriend. If she can't see it, then I think she's really missing out on something that's honestly rare and amazing. You know, it's always been easy for me to give relationship advice to others, and yet for myself, I couldn't feel more lost. Perhaps this time, I should take my own advice.