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Am I being selfish to my boyfriend

 
 
jayla09
 
Reply Sat 19 Apr, 2014 12:02 pm
I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. We've been through 3 and a half years of long distance relationship and now he's back from studying abroad. We have talked about our future, about getting married and having children. Even though our relationship has been going downhill and I am unsure of how we will turn out, he still feels that we will be together. He has even told me that he wishes to get married in another 1 or 2 years. Recently, he went to China with his dad because his dad has some business there. He now tells me that his dad wants to pass the business to him and wants him to expand it. As a result, he will be stationed there for awhile, only coming back a few times over the course of the period. He said it could take months or even years. He asked if I am ok with it. To be honest, I was pissed and disappointed. To be in a long distance relationship wasn't my primary concern; I am actually used to long distance. But for him to say that he wants to marry me and have children and to leave me alone again made me feel like I am the last of his priorities. What happens if we really have children one day? Will I be left alone to take care of them myself? Where would he be when I need him? However, I feel selfish for doing that because he is striving for his career but I can't help but feel sad at the same time. How do I deal with this?
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Type: Question • Score: 6 • Views: 2,080 • Replies: 28
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izzythepush
 
  1  
Reply Sat 19 Apr, 2014 12:28 pm
@jayla09,
You appear to have answered your own question. You think the relationship is going downhill and are not happy at the prospect of children.

Ask yourself this question. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this man? If yes, stick with it, if no, end it now because you're just putting off the inevitable.
jayla09
 
  2  
Reply Sat 19 Apr, 2014 12:44 pm
@izzythepush,
Yes it's going downhill but I really want to salvage our relationship because I really want to spend the rest of my life with him. I just feel that he doesn't care about me more than I do about him from the fact that he can so easily leave me behind to pursue his studies/career. I really want him to just stay and work where we live but I thought that might be a selfish thing to do. So you are saying I should agree with whatever he decides on?
izzythepush
 
  1  
Reply Sat 19 Apr, 2014 12:50 pm
@jayla09,
No, I was saying you should examine what you want with your life. As you want this relationship to continue you need to talk to him about what's been upsetting you. Get it out in the open now otherwise resentment will just build up, try to find a compromise.
Germlat
 
  2  
Reply Sat 19 Apr, 2014 02:45 pm
@jayla09,
Great for his career! For you, not so much. He may be sweet and kind, but at the end of the day, is he sacrificing anything for you? Why is it women always feel it necessary to sacrifice in order get love? If you're not going to get what you NEED ( nobody can determine that but you) you can only expect to be resentful and unhappy in the future. There are other compatible mates...think of your life and future first....there are plenty of possibilities. Don't become a martyr.
Butrflynet
 
  2  
Reply Sat 19 Apr, 2014 02:57 pm
@jayla09,
If it were me and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, I'd ask myself these questions:

1. Why wait so long to get married? Why can't you marry while he works on his career?

2. Am I willing to relocate with him so we can be together, marry and start a family? Why has he not already suggested this before now?

3. Is he willing to commute more frequently to be with you while you wait for him?
bellamente
 
  -1  
Reply Sat 19 Apr, 2014 10:26 pm
@jayla09,
You can either understand, accept and marry him or you can say no.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sat 19 Apr, 2014 10:37 pm
@jayla09,
Is there a reason you can't relocate to China with him?
bellamente
 
  -1  
Reply Sat 19 Apr, 2014 10:50 pm
@ehBeth,
Ever met someone who refused/refuses to leave the USA.
0 Replies
 
jayla09
 
  1  
Reply Sun 20 Apr, 2014 12:47 am
@izzythepush,
Oh. Ok. :/ That is going to be tough.
0 Replies
 
jayla09
 
  1  
Reply Sun 20 Apr, 2014 12:54 am
@Germlat,
It's not easy to let go of a 6 year relationship. But I see your point. I mean I knew this all along but I guess I just chose to ignore it. We are both just getting started on our career and are really busy. But in terms of needs, I guess I do need him more than he needs me. So maybe I'm too needy and I should change myself to not be so needy? Sad
0 Replies
 
jayla09
 
  1  
Reply Sun 20 Apr, 2014 12:56 am
@Butrflynet,
1. Hmmm I think we can get married while he works on his career but I would be alone most of my married life.

2. No I can't relocate. I am bonded to my job in my country for the next 4 years. He knows that too.

3. Well, I guess that depends on how busy he is too.

Well, like what I replied previously, maybe I'm too needy..
jayla09
 
  1  
Reply Sun 20 Apr, 2014 12:56 am
@ehBeth,
Oh I am bonded to my job in my country for the next 4 years..
roger
 
  2  
Reply Sun 20 Apr, 2014 01:49 am
@jayla09,
Good heavens, jayla, don't let maintaining the relationship become a challenge. Especially if the prize isn't something you're sure you want.
cortnik
 
  2  
Reply Sun 20 Apr, 2014 12:17 pm
@jayla09,
It seems as simple as this: the future you will have with this man isn't the future that you want and isn't the future that will make you happy. He shouldn't sacrifice his career, you shouldn't sacrifice your happiness. If it isn't what you want, cut your losses so you can both find relationships that better work for you.
izzythepush
 
  1  
Reply Sun 20 Apr, 2014 01:14 pm
@jayla09,
Lots of people have very successful marriages where one of them is away from home for extended periods of time. The forces, merchant navy, long distance lorry drivers, journalists etc.

You need to ask yourself if you're one of those people, and if that's what you want.

Four years will be over before you know it.
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sun 20 Apr, 2014 01:32 pm
@jayla09,
Will you be jailed or something if you leave your current job?

If so, can he wait to move until you are able to go with him?
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Sun 20 Apr, 2014 01:34 pm
@izzythepush,
izzythepush wrote:
The forces, merchant navy, long distance lorry drivers, journalists etc.


these are also groups with high divorce rates

some couples can survive long-distance relationships for varying periods of time , but it is hard work
0 Replies
 
jayla09
 
  1  
Reply Mon 21 Apr, 2014 08:39 am
@roger,
yes.. maybe you guys are right. A relationship shouldn't be this hard..
0 Replies
 
jayla09
 
  1  
Reply Mon 21 Apr, 2014 08:41 am
@cortnik,
Ok thank you. Yes. We seem like a lost cause. But I will give us a few more months to see if there are any issues we can compromise on to make things work.
0 Replies
 
 

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