14
   

Needing help. My relationship seems to be crumbling to pieces

 
 
Reply Wed 2 Apr, 2014 07:53 am
Hello everybody.

Sorry for the looooong post =(

So here's the thing. My girlfriend and I have been dating for 5years and about a month ago we moved in together. Since then our relationship has been decaying. There seems to be a tense atmosphere between us. Example: While decorating the house and while doing other chores I seem to have the sense of her trying to be in control of everything or trying to "Alpha-male" me.

Example: I ask: "Do we have any extra copper wire"
Her answer: "Did you see me buy any copper wire!?!?"

Stuff like this. Passive-aggressive sh*t!

Before moving in together I did notice some of this behavior but not very often. I did notice she did this with her parents/sisters. But I'm making an effort to squash this at our home.

She's a product of coddling/enabling parents who always did pretty much everything she asked for. Although she is a lot better than her siblings, she starts getting very frustrated when things don't go her way (enormous Ego).

So 2days ago we had an argument because she thinks her boss and a co-worker are doing work that my girl should be doing because she thinks they don't trust her abilities (She has a similar story about former friends that she's no longer friends with because of these dramas that se makes up in her head). So I said," the best thing you could do is ask them if you did anything wrong, and if so what could you do to get things right".

Next day I texted her to not 4get to ask her boss or co-worker. She didn't. Instead she continued to make her own dramas in her head and at the end of the day decided to call her enabling/coddling parents crying telling her side of the story. OBVIOUSLY they agreed with her and said that she is being framed/conspired upon.

So yesterday we started talking and I asked her if she solved the issue. Obviously she didn't and started saying that it's all a conspiracy against her. I disagreed. I said that she can't be making those assuptions without any certainty. She started yelling and I said. "Well, I won't continue talking to you if you keep on yelling". So she proceeded to leave the house for some hours. Later I went out to walk the dog and noticed at the distance that she was walking around talking on the phone. I went to bed and fell asleep before she got home.

This morning, we didn't speak a word to each other. I certainly won't...

I don't know what to make of this. We pretty much got along great before moving in. Now there's this tension... I don't want things at our home to be like they are at her home. I refuse to be treated like that. I won't be her yes-man or coddle her if I believe she's not right.

Please help... what to do now?
 
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Wed 2 Apr, 2014 09:55 am
Argh.

Maybe she just wanted support when she talked about work. That seems to often be a pattern - that women talk to get support, and men answer to offer solutions, and there's a disconnect.

One thing I would have done is, I would not have texted the reminder. She's a big girl. If it's important for her to fix her work problems, she will, well, work on them. If it isn't, she won't - but will likely continue to bitch about them.

Perhaps a reframing is in order. E. g. when she complains, ask, "Do you want to just let it out, or do you want me to offer solutions?"

And you have every right for her to not bite your head off for such an innocuous question. "Do I look like I want solutions?" No. That is not acceptable. That is the behavior of a spoiled teen. And she's got to stop that.

There could be any number of reasons why she isn't getting good assignments at work, but pretty much none of them are your concern, unless she's about to be fired. Otherwise, I'd mainly stay out of it and, like I said, offer solutions only when she says it's okay to do so. But maybe also make it clear that you would prefer that she work on these issues rather than just harp on them. If she wants to complain, she can talk to her yes-men parents.

So something like this, sprinkled liberally in your life -
  1. Do you want to just tell me your problems, or do you want me to offer solutions?
  2. You've mentioned these issues before. I know you don't want me to offer solutions, but I can't help wondering if something can be done. It's hard for me to just sit here and listen when I think something could be done. I am willing to listen and I hope that, in time, you can figure out what you need to do. In the meantime, if you want suggestions, I am glad to give them, but I won't unless you want me to.
  3. Then step back. You don't have to make her talk to the hand but stay out of it. This is her bed. She needs to lie in it, and not be rescued - not by you, and not by her folks.
  4. Make it clear that snapping at you for no good reason is thoroughly unacceptable.
TyrionGuy
 
  2  
Reply Wed 2 Apr, 2014 11:18 am
@jespah,
Thank you for the response.

There's an issue though. If I don't give any feedback she'll just have to rely on the only feedback she has: the scenarios she creates and the approving feedback from her parents.

I'll be the non-contributing one.

Besides it's difficult for me to watch someone say something like: "There's pig sh*t on my windshield so OBVIOUSLY pigs fly now" when there are more plausible answers for that.

Oh well it's gonna be a nice silent dinner today
jespah
 
  4  
Reply Wed 2 Apr, 2014 12:02 pm
@TyrionGuy,
Oy. Well, I've had lousy times of it in more jobs than I can count. I often just wanted to complain to Mr. j and nothing more. It took a while - months? He finally said, "Why not quit?" It was as if I'd never heard of that before.

I did, BTW, about 24 years ago. It was a good decision - but it does whack you financially.
0 Replies
 
vikorr
 
  2  
Reply Wed 2 Apr, 2014 01:10 pm
@TyrionGuy,
Hi Tyrion - have you thought about the method you are using to retrain her? Quite frankly - they were always going to meet resistance, probably with 90% of people.

And you're nagging her.

Try asking questions (and not of your own accord, but when she speaks up about something). And make the question meaningful to both of you.

And if it's a power thing, you can state outright that you would like to make a decision together, or you can negotiate roles, or you can just leave it up to chance...financially you could each have separate accounts and contribute to a joint account that pays the bills etc...there's plenty of ways to build a system into place that helps sort these things out.
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Wed 2 Apr, 2014 02:55 pm
It's looking like this will be a long term concern, one way or another. It's an exercise in futility to try to change people, besides somewhat being none of one's business. It's your business only in that it affects you and your necessity to figure out how to deal with her apparent long wrought behavior, or part ways to the relief of both people. I'm not saying that people don't change. I've seen lots do it, including myself, but that is gradual accretion of figuring how the world works and you in it - though sometimes preceded by someone, just anyone, sometimes preferably just a friend tossing out a throwaway line about some other situation re someone else, and thus the coin dropping.

I'm liking Jespah's comments, haven't read vikorr's yet.

Me, in a lonnnnng life of work, I've only had two really negative jobs. One lasted thirteen days, until the day I understood he would pay me half because of the training involved. I'd misunderstood and thought he meant half of $12. That left me at $3.00 an hour when I already had a damned good resume. He changed his mind but I'd seen the light and walked.* Another was a year long project where the directors went into a fight zone with each other and I was handling 24 people as coordinator. I stayed out of principle, primarily because there was an end point to the tunnel of stress.

Given the work climate right now, just quit is a hard phrase, but I can see it being sometimes necessary. In this situation, it's not clear it is the work group that is at fault.

But - this relationship problem is not just about work.



* I wonder what would have happened if I had stayed at the six dollars/hr. he had ended up saying all right to. I was already completely incensed, so too late. I might have learned a lot, and would have had a different new career future than the one I did have (excellent next boss, great training, lots of those people still friends including that next boss). The $3.00 guy was interesting though. Gasping at not retiring and keeping an office going in a profession with recessions, drove a Lincoln Continental convertible, had strong design opinions, it seemed, though at that point I was no judge of that.
TyrionGuy
 
  2  
Reply Wed 2 Apr, 2014 04:07 pm
@ossobuco,
My problem is not her concerns about her job. The problem is that she is making stuff up in her head without questioning the two other co-workers, preferring to rely on what her mind comes up with.

Besides that, she's an intern. I say that she should leave her ego out of this. I believe everyone who interned had their bosses override everything you did. This is her first real job and now in the real world, people don't care about your feelings. If you are doing something and the boss takes what you did and decides to put everything the other way around, I believe you should leave your ego at home and just suck it up.

Thank you all for your help. I'll be giving feedback
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Wed 2 Apr, 2014 04:15 pm
@TyrionGuy,
I know that.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Wed 2 Apr, 2014 08:56 pm
From your post:

She seems to have a really short fuse. Those kind of people are difficult to live with. Like walking on egg shells.

She conjures up scenarios. When you do a sanity check on those scenarios, she gets angry.

She's paranoid about her work partners. She does not get along with them. She gets validation from her doting parents. That's how they view the world and she is getting reinforcement for how she thinks from them. They have a very strong alliance.

You need to decide if you want live like this. It will only get worse, believe me, as she gets older. She needs anger management skills.
0 Replies
 
Krumple
 
  1  
Reply Wed 2 Apr, 2014 09:19 pm
@TyrionGuy,
I don't even know where to go with this one.

You seem convinced you know that her work issues are just her imagination. Could there be some truth to what she says? If not, if she is completely making it up, she has a mental illness that needs to be professionally looked at.

Any time anyone comes to me with a problem, I usually try to ask them what they think they should do. Or what options do they have. That way it doesn't seem like you are dictating your opinion to them. You are there to bounce ideas off of for finding a solution. If they don't want to talk about it, leave the door open. If you ever want to discuss what you should do to fix it, feel free to talk to me about things.

I think some times the worst thing to say is that the person is completely inventing the problem. It might be true, but it is confrontational. It is better to talk them through their delusions for a solution rather than make them feel ridiculous.

I think you are not approaching her in the right way.

The whole copper wire thing makes sense to me. This to me is more on you. I would have asked is there any copper wire around? If she says, she doesn't know that gives you permission to go looking for some. I think you are being just as passive aggressive on this by expecting her to know her inventory of stored materials.
0 Replies
 
Shawn909
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 Apr, 2014 10:59 am
@TyrionGuy,
I would talk to her about it. Have you tried? Tell her how you feel and that you just don't seem to like where the relationship is headed.
0 Replies
 
crayon851
 
  0  
Reply Fri 4 Apr, 2014 03:30 am
Haha, its hard to reason with girls. you never know what it is they're trying to tell you because they aren't direct. The best way to deal with it is the step on all those egg shells. Eventually they realize they're being difficult.

My girlfriend gets mad at me all the time, sometimes its because I buy cake, other times its because I don't want to spend money to go out to eat at some place that charges $100 for a tiny piece of steak. I just make her apologize and tell her why shes wrong. She also gets mad when I'm too social.

So, how I've dealt with it is to call her out on it. EVERY SINGLE TIME. Women are all about their feelings, so then can easily understand when you ask them to consider your shoes. She asked you for an opinion, you gave her your opinion. Ask her to imagine if, every time she gave you advice you would get angry with her and storm off. Hopefully she'll see the problem with this. Then you make her apologize.
0 Replies
 
PaulaThayrow
 
  0  
Reply Fri 4 Apr, 2014 04:39 am
@TyrionGuy,
You come through as one who seriously needs to control her too. Drama hardly ever starts on the other end, it most often starts with us. Do some self evaluation too and see what you find. Is the trouble simply that 'she did not listen to you?' Very telling...
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Fri 4 Apr, 2014 06:30 am
@TyrionGuy,
What were conversations like before you moved in together?

Did you have discussions about work/life etc?
0 Replies
 
anonymously99
 
  -2  
Reply Sat 5 Apr, 2014 10:13 pm
@TyrionGuy,
Quote:
I seem to have the sense of her trying to be in control of everything or trying to "Alpha-male" me.


Very Happy she's a keeper. You need to show her who's boss. Otherwise this will continue. I'm sure you know how to take control. You're just waiting for something.

0 Replies
 
anonymously99
 
  -2  
Reply Sat 5 Apr, 2014 10:17 pm
@TyrionGuy,
Quote:
Needing help. My relationship seems to be crumbling to pieces


Your title is in your head TyrionGuy. Stop messing around. Shocked

Have you met Carol yet?
anonymously99
 
  -3  
Reply Sat 5 Apr, 2014 10:22 pm
@anonymously99,
0 Replies
 
london
 
  -1  
Reply Mon 7 Apr, 2014 12:29 pm
@TyrionGuy,
Frankly TyrionGuy I would just dump her, from the aggressive way she is behaving she has you beat, she will will bring you down and make your life a misery.
Good luck in finding another, there are plenty of better girls out there.
0 Replies
 
anonymously99
 
  -2  
Reply Mon 7 Apr, 2014 02:08 pm
@anonymously99,
Quote:
Have you met Carol yet?


Carol is a Psychologist who is a married woman of ten years. She attended college online for four years, completed for two years now.
0 Replies
 
anonymously99
 
  -2  
Reply Mon 7 Apr, 2014 02:25 pm
@TyrionGuy,
Quote:
Hello everybody. Sorry for the looooong post =( So here's the thing. My girlfriend and I have been dating for 5years and about a month ago we moved in together. Since then our relationship has been decaying. There seems to be a tense atmosphere between us. Example: While decorating the house and while doing other chores I seem to have the sense of her trying to be in control of everything or trying to "Alpha-male" me. Example: I ask: "Do we have any extra copper wire" Her answer: "Did you see me buy any copper wire!?!?" Stuff like this. Passive-aggressive sh*t! Before moving in together I did notice some of this behavior but not very often. I did notice she did this with her parents/sisters. But I'm making an effort to squash this at our home. She's a product of coddling/enabling parents who always did pretty much everything she asked for. Although she is a lot better than her siblings, she starts getting very frustrated when things don't go her way (enormous Ego). So 2days ago we had an argument because she thinks her boss and a co-worker are doing work that my girl should be doing because she thinks they don't trust her abilities (She has a similar story about former friends that she's no longer friends with because of these dramas that se makes up in her head). So I said," the best thing you could do is ask them if you did anything wrong, and if so what could you do to get things right". Next day I texted her to not 4get to ask her boss or co-worker. She didn't. Instead she continued to make her own dramas in her head and at the end of the day decided to call her enabling/coddling parents crying telling her side of the story. OBVIOUSLY they agreed with her and said that she is being framed/conspired upon. So yesterday we started talking and I asked her if she solved the issue. Obviously she didn't and started saying that it's all a conspiracy against her. I disagreed. I said that she can't be making those assuptions without any certainty. She started yelling and I said. "Well, I won't continue talking to you if you keep on yelling". So she proceeded to leave the house for some hours. Later I went out to walk the dog and noticed at the distance that she was walking around talking on the phone. I went to bed and fell asleep before she got home. This morning, we didn't speak a word to each other. I certainly won't... I don't know what to make of this. We pretty much got along great before moving in. Now there's this tension... I don't want things at our home to be like they are at her home. I refuse to be treated like that. I won't be her yes-man or coddle her if I believe she's not right.Please help... what to do now?


Carol asked if I would reply for her. The following words are from Carol.
It is clearly obvious you are in love with your girlfriend, fiancé. You are just wanting the thoughts of fellow men.
I appreciate you sharing as mentioned because it seriously helps me understand I'm not the only one with things going on in my head.
Lately, for a while now I've been sharing some things that have been in my head, been going on in my head and I would swear I have the world convinced I'm crazy.
You have no idea how much your sharing as mentioned has helped me.

Anonymously99 and Carol say; The Aaronic Benediction May the Lord bless you and keep you; may He make His face [cause his spirit] to shine on you and be gracious to you; may He lift up His countenance [smile] on you and give you peace. —
Numbers 6:22-27 (NIV) explains why is this called the “Aaronic Benediction" (because it was spoken by the high priest Aaron).
Copied and pasted from Benedictions and Blessings, where a great collection of blessings may be found.  

http://www.interfaith.org/forum/the-meaning-of-god-bless-9909.html
http://www.wilsonmar.com/benedic.htm
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