My (32) GF (32) "feelings" to her ex

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Iam with my GF almost a year. I have a big issue with her relationship with her ex. They were together for 8 years and they broke up almost 4 years ago because he was cheat. on her. They get back 2 times more and they broke up again and again from the same reason. While they were not together that guy had a keys from her apartment, he helped here with dog etc.... When we have started together he got crazy. Messages, visits, stalking at her.... she always told me it will be ok. I did not meet him, because she asked me to be calm. A 2 month ago i have realized that they are in contact. She said that he knows her and still loves her but she loves me and she just want to have a good relationship with him. Because he helped her a lot when her mom died (in that time they get back last time). We are moving together in a couple of days. Ystrd. i realized that they are still in contact and she wrote him that she would die for him. She said that it is true but she loves me. And if she wants she can be with him. But she wants me. She also says that she doesnt response on each texts she get from him etc...
I just dont understand, it seems for me that she is still not over him. But when we talk about it, she says, that she is. So... Any opinion? :-)
thank you

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@bnorthb,

Rarely, would I see matters such as this and make an opinion with such a black-and-white declaration. What are you thinking? Don't move in together!

She still has a boundary-less relationship that interferes BIG-TIME with your relationship with her. Can she not assert herself and set some limits with him?

She may need to mature emotionally or be more assertive. You both need to back off the impending move. She is acting quite indecisive and that vacillation is and will hurt you both if you move in.

Can you support yourself without her rent? Can she?

Moving in is a very bad idea and will mean far more drama and heartache. If it were me, I'd maintain your romanti9c relationship. they may be close friends, but this emotional roadblock to the success of relationship and moving in together. He's not your friend! Rather ... he is at cross-purposes with you...and he's proven that. She may forgive him for stalking her in the past...but can you? This just moves you right in the middle of her not being able to set boundaries and limits to her former lover.

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@Ragman,

Hey Ragman. Thank for the advice. We were talking about it couple of times. And it was till the same: I dont love him, I dont want to be with him, I am not cheating on you. 90% of her girlfriends are solving something with their exes, or they trying to find out if theyr BF are cheating on their.... When we talk about it, she says that if he needs something important, she will be there for him, but she loves ME... I just dont get it. I have asked her, look do you love me? do you really move in together? are you over him?... she said YES.
just dont get it

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@bnorthb,

At the risk of putting to fine of a point on this and/or seeming cold:

Don't Move In Together! she needs to have her actions connect to her emotions. That former relationship needs better boundaries drawn. If you don't insist on them being more clearly drawn, then moving in together will be at your emotional peril.

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@bnorthb,

Without the tie of a child, or shared property or a business or something like that, it doesn't make a lot of sense why she'd be in contact with someone who clearly hurt her, and more than one time.

I am thinking she could use some counseling. She doesn't have boundaries (as Ragman said; he's right) with this other guy and seems to have no problem letting him walk all over her.

You cannot make her get counseling, but there's no reason why you can't suggest it, and maybe even as a couple. E. g. you want to be able to deal with this, with a competent, unbiased professional.

And don't move in together. You're only adding financial issues on top of emotional ones, and that doesn't help anything.

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My (32) GF (32) "feelings" to her ex

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