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Fri 21 Feb, 2014 10:05 am
I've been married for 19 years to a wonderful man who I adore. We have two children both teens.
Last summer he started ditching our workout sessions to workout with his buddy who asked him for a favor and little by little stopped working out with me. As the months passed, he became more and more distant from me and because we've always been very close, I started to suspect something was up. So I checked his phone one night and saw a text from his buddy and there was two pictures of a woman posing. I looked at the history and sure enough, more pictures of the same woman. I confronted him that night and he said it was his buddy's problem. He had been talking to her at his job and asked him to forward the pictures to him to his email at work because he didn't want to keep them on his in case his wife saw them. My husband got very nervous, stuttered almost, we argued all night and he assured me this was his friends problem and he would talk to him first thing the next day.
But since my gut instinct had been warning me all along, I knew something wasn't right and I didn't believe him. I didn't believe the story. So I turned his "find my iphone" on without him knowing and two days later i caught him sitting in a park after the gym talking to this woman. When I got there I asked wtf was going on and he VERY CALMLY said, this is not my issue, this is my friend's problem. She asked to speak to me after the gym about him and I agreed. I didnt believe him, I left frantic and we got home and argued, I was heart broken. Seeing the love of my life sitting with another woman in a park "talking" just cut me in two because my husband never believed in that!
Again he assured me this was his friend's issue and I let it be but with my guard up. All along still witht he gps on and watching every move. He began hiding his phone, I found out there was another phone line opened under his buddy's info which btw he totally pinned on his friend, and then he figures out the gps is on and turns it off. I manage to catch him again simply through gut instinct, by a park near her house as they were exiting the park in each others cars. He zoomed out there like a bat outta hell but she saw me and when I called him, he evated me. When he finally answered he denied that I had saw him and then he came around with a story about her being pregnant with his buddy's baby but his buddy was ignoring her and she needed to get rid of it and he was talking to her on his behalf. At first, I believed it! On the spot, I believed it because she drove back and came to explain and apologize to me about the misunderstanding. So in my mind I figured, it has to be true, how could you make up something like that? you have to be sick!
Well, days passed & my mind started putting pieces together, from phone records, tracing back what had happened that day, what they both said, nothign tied up. I knew they lied to get me to believe. When I confronted my husband, he denied the whole thing. Denied denied denied, even though i had logical proof of everything and when I tried calling her to ask her, she hung up on me!
What bothers me the most is his calm approach, a cold disconnect like never before. While I'm pulling my eyelashes, he just sits there like "calm down! you need to calm down."
I don't trust him. I wait like a shark in the sandbar for any false move, anything i can catch him to prove this all went down. This woman has two girls and is married. she's 10 years younger than me but looks 15 years older than me. She didn't work with his buddy. They met at the gym. The gym where I work at and brought him as my guest. FML.
I've tried to see if it's something I've done wrong, where I hiccuped in the relationship, but i can't find anything. I'm not perfect, nobody is, and I know we're human and we all have weak moments, I can accept that, what I can't accept is lies and more lies. I don't deserve that. I don't know if I can make my marriage work now. I have trust issues. I have good and bad days. I cry every day alone in the shower and Ipray to God I get some closure to all this so I can move on with my life! I love my husband to death but I am beyond hurt, betrayed, I'm emotionally destroyed, drained, shaken.... I don't want to work, workout, eat, sleep, think, get dressed, talk....I've abandoned everything that once meant so much to me because I'm consumed by all this. I'm scared to scar my kids by walking out and I cannot afford to live alone with my salary. Not to mention that I think I will die without him in my life and thats my biggest fear! So I'm stuck here hurt and affraid two things he always promised to protect me from. What do I do?
The only proof you have is of them talking to each other. Personally, I find talking to someone of the opposite sex to hardly be dispositive of anything. I talk to guys all the time; my husband talks to women. Why? Because we talk to people. Neither of us wave a hand in someone's face and tell them that we can't talk to them because they've got the wrong set of chromosomes. But hey, this is your relationship, and not mine here, and your boundaries, not mine. If these are your boundaries, then they are your boundaries, end of story.
Be that as it may, have you tried talking to his buddy? Calmly, not running around and screaming in jealousy. Just talking. Not to say that the buddy (if he exists at all) will suddenly own up to an affair (if there really is one), but it's a loose end at least, and could give you some confirmation.
Then what?
Well, I think, personally, confirmation or not, existence of buddy or not, the whole thing is broken, and is pretty much beyond repair. You admit that you hang around like a 'shark at a sandbar' (that's a rather good and apt metaphor, don't you think?). On his side of things, he's not respecting your feelings. At the very least, you wanted him to cut off contact and it was obvious that it upset you. Yet he continued. That should tell you something about your husband's respect level when it comes to your feelings. And that has naught to do with whether anyone is cheating.
You are not going to 'die' without him. You were around and fine before him, yes? And you can be afterwards, as well.
I strongly suggest counseling. Talk to an impartial professional about why you're so bothered by this. Talk about your exit strategy. Talk about how you're going to react if anything is proven, at all, whether you are proven wrong or right. And talk about maybe respecting others' rights to privacy. I am not saying that there are no causes to be concerned, but you are playing private detective with your husband.
No wonder he's becoming distant.
@jespah,
Yes I know talking to the opposite sex means nothing and it doesn't mean sex but when there's pictures indicative of 'something' the mystery meetings, the hiding, the mystery cell phone... maybe I just didn't catch them kissing or something worse, maybe that's why he denies it to the death.
his buddy exists. he started tagging with us to the gym and then it became them two only... my husband would rush out of bed at 7am to go wkout with him and tell me to catch up later if i wanted to knowing that I'd probably be too upset to go or not motivated enough. Who knows but that's how this whole thing started.
You're so right.... I should have confronted his friend but I didn't out of respect. But I should. I kept thinking the whole time, if he knew I had found out of his possible affair with this woman, why didn't he try to reach out to me and apologize? My husband says he wanted to but I don't believe it.
When I bring it up to him, his response is, "OMG, you're going to start with this again?!" He avoids it no matter how many times I tell him that I know that his story is bogus. He tells me he loves and he's with me and he wants to be with me and that's it. But deep inside I feel a gap the size of the moon's craters!
I have made an appointment for myself for counseling. I haven't told him because I want to see first what will the approach be from an impartial professional be. Your words are the first I hear that bring me some kind of serenity. Crazy as that seems.... I haven't been able to tell this to anyone out of fear that I'll hear those deadly words "leave his ass!" So thank you! Thank you and if you can guide me in any other way, I will be grateful for your help!
@miagreen,
The biggest problem with snooping is that you make up all sorts of assumptions, which eat at you and ultimately bring you down to a place you've never been or should be at.
You said you are worth more. Well you are. As Jespah stated you are not going to die.
Dignity is a good thing. Hold your head up high. Get your shirt together and get back into all the things you loved doing and do them.
If your husband is having an affair you don't need to look for it, it will present itself in time and if so, then walk with your head held high I mean let's face it, she has kids, she's married it can't go far and by then he's lost you and at some stage her as well, imagine her husband's reaction... And then he will be the lonely one and the one with regret.
If he isn't and he's telling the truth, you've not created a nightmare that never existed and your marriage can get back on track.
Perhaps he's going through a mid life crisis . Perhaps his mate really is having an affair and he stopped you going to the gym to see it.
Do keep the appointment with the counsellor it's not healthy, what you are doing.
@FOUND SOUL,
Thank you so much FOUND SOUL. Snooping IS a double edge sword. "Search and you will find." Then what? I just dont want to live a marriage of lies and one fine day be told "I'm leaving you, I've been having an affair and I'm leaving!" I didn't want that. It's not fair. Its wrong. Every single thing you say makes sense to me. I've been lost and heartbroken because he's been my rock for 20 years and to think that I've lost him is devastating to me. We have a happy family. We're young and active. I just don't understand what happened.
It's totally not healthy what I'm doing, I know, I'm sick, so physically sick and emotionally drained. Thank you so much for your guidance.
@miagreen,
Fears can get in the way of common sense, and badgering him about them is counterproductive, given (an if) that you are dead wrong. All the snooping, all the not believing him, the angst for both of you. All the lack of trust, thus the lack of peace with your husband. And from my reading, I'm guessing you're wrong in your surmise.
But.. I may (naturally) be wrong.
I am guessing, though, that something earlier in your life or family or girlfriend talks has made you this distrusting. Or, maybe from your husband, but it doesn't sound like it. You're the one there, though, and tone can mean a lot. Your tone too.
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