Did you ever apologize to other man for having an affair with him?

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I was thinking about it a lot. I met him when I felt very lonely and thought about divorcing my husband for years. Out of my own fears and everything else, I am still sitting on a fence.
This man talked to me online for months. Always sweet, always nice. He said he wanted be with me in a future. We met after six months. He was very charming and handsome. He kissed me after very short time, however, his sex-pushing behavior surprised me. This was part I did not really like. I told him I can't sleep with him but after sixth date and some pressure - I gave in. He was a second man I ever slept with in my life. I felt used and very bad for what I have done. I was not ready for it and I really meant that I can't sleep with him while married. He seemed he understood until that night.
But what I liked about him were his sweet words, attention and affection he was showing me. I loved when he kissed my hair, held my hand. Just those little gentle things. That's what I really liked. I also enjoyed his company and fun we had together. Just being with him was enough for me.
He talked about our future, about himself, asked about me. He always complimented me. And I naively believed him.
Everything was fine btw us until a day when I kinda refused to have sex with him after that first time. He said he was not mad, just disappointed. But acted as usually. He said he wants to see me again.Then he left and I was just a history to him. He stopped reply to my texts and did not chat with me anymore.
I felt hurt, I wondered why he pretend so much if he did not mean any of it.
I went into no contact with him. But I still want to apologize to him for my own behavior as married woman. I guess it probably sounds crazy but thats how I feel. I want to tell him I am sorry I was that way and went against my own values and everything what was right. I want to wish him happy life and have it as some kind of closure for me. I still think about him but I would not want him back anymore. Should I do that?

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Type: Question • Score: 3 • Views: 1,997 • Replies: 8

@Letitsnow,

In all honesty, you should probably end your relationship with your husband. There are times where it's understandable, although frowned upon, when there's just a kiss involved or a one night thing, but in your case, talking to someone else online inappropriately (obviously) is crossing the line. Actually leaving your home to meet up with him is even worse.

I'm not saying all of this to judge you, I just think that if you were really happy, you wouldn't have met up with this other man. It may just be in your best interests to leave your husband and find someone who makes you feel just as good as the other man did.

To finally answer your question; no, I don't think you should apologize, especially to him. If he knew you were married, he must be quite careless about the relationship entirely.

If you apologize to anyone, it should be to your husband, but tell him why you sought something different.

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@Letitsnow,

No, no, a thousand times no.

Where's your husband in all this? Why aren't you, if you're thinking about apologizing to anyone, more worried about how he feels, even if your marriage is technically over?

Here's the lowdown.

The guy you had an affair with? He wanted to get into your pants. And when you refused to allow that more than once, he snubbed you. And now you feel bad about, uh, what, exactly? That you got him to reveal what he was really after all along? That maybe his pretty words and his hand-holding and whatnot were just a ploy to make the beast with two backs?

I'm sorry that this is harsh, but honestly, you aren't looking for closure here. You're looking either to get your hand-holding back, or to go in and have sex with him without guilt, or to somehow get him to beg you to take him back. Except for the sex part, it's highly unlikely that any of that will happen. This will not be closure, and closure is overrated anyway.

Here's an idea. Continue with the no contact. Congratulate yourself on having dodged a bullet, that you didn't have this guy's kid, didn't get a divorce over him and woke up and smelled the coffee and stopped things. And then seriously consider counseling, to learn why opening up this messy can of worms is a bad, bad idea.

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I'm am an extremely loyal man. I've never had an affair with another man, and i suspect that The Girl is glad of that.

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@jespah,

This guy knew from a day one I was married. He said he wants to see me anyway while I was holding back saying I can't. But I was too selfish and felt for his sweet words. My gut feeling was telling me he was just playing but I wanted to believe that nice part.
I wanted to apologize for my behavior because even thought I did what I did - it is not who I am or what I do on daily basis. I am not someone who wants "a toy" to play with. I don't want him to think that.
I was honest with him, I just was not honest with myself.

My husband and I went through marriage counseling for about one year. When this happened, I said it to my therapist right away. He advised me not to say it to my H. He told me to figure out if I want to stay in this marriage first. He said that telling this to my husband would do nothing good to him.
I have been married for almost 12 years. No kids. We went through emotional and physical abuse for some time - that pushed me away from him. MC helped. My husband and I changed behavior toward each other but my feelings did not. I do love him, but it's very different kind of love. There is no desire, no attraction, no passion.

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@Setanta,

How funny! But good... Smile

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@Letitsnow,

You don't need to stay with your husband. That's immaterial vis a vis the other man. Still, there is no need to apologize to some player you didn't allow to continue with.

You didn't do (much) wrong. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO APOLOGIZE TO THE OTHER MAN ABOUT.

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Currently going through this question in my head to apologize to the man I had an emotional/sexual relationship with. We kept in touch social media and then it became text . It turn quickly into being more then friends . We sent back and forth text of wanting to be intimate with one another.
The day before we were to meet I told my boyfriend everything . Of course he was very angry and didn't believe me so he went ahead and message the man to ask if it was true. The man of course deny it.
Not only did I feel hurt because he didn't believe me but because for some reason I wanted the affair to continue. Then again I'm glad it stop it was getting to much trying to hide the messages ,and he was taking up my time.
Well here I am in my head thinking over and over again that I should apologise to the man. I feel like if I do I may get some kind of peace for my self.
(He has children and a wife / I have my boyfriend of 5+ years and we have children)
Should I go ahead an apologize?
Even though in the beginning he started it.

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@SaliorMoon,

Of course you don't have to apologize to him. Don't be silly.

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Did you ever apologize to other man for having an affair with him?

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