Comma Usage

Well, Dead, it's somewhat OT, but, for what it's worth, probably not much, and assuming my presumptions, such as they are, are valid, then

If I decide to jump, then will you first please kick me in the chest, hard as you can, in the hope of causing me to fall and break my arm, so that when I actually take the plunge, my insurance carrier will assume the fracture was not caused by a humanoid, in which case, I've been advised, I'd be ineligible

or

Stick around, Deal, if at all feasible, so if If I decide that jumping is my only alternative, then I will stand at the edge facing you, whereupon first break my arm using that handy treetrunk, then please kick me in the chest, hard as you can, in the hope of not only causing me to fall; but if I stand just above that preeminence, making it appear that the fall also breaks my arm, so that after I've actually take the plunge, my insurance carrier will assume both fractures were accidental, not caused by a humanoid, that is, in which case, I've been advised, I'd have been ineligible; whereas given both injuries as accidental, it might double; waiting, however, since I might not survive, 'til I finish this bottle of Pilsner Urquell


Ideal wording depending, of course, on exact context. Of course Dead, that is, I'm somewhat pulling your leg, I think

Most commas optional


Edited to remark re "If [he talks to her again], then [will you tell me], [so that way I have a reason to beat him up]?" I'd have omitted "that way" as somewhat redundant

Commas still optional

Well, Dale, that certainly was an interesting response. I don't think there was that much to imply, but the first one is probably the closest to the intended meaning.

I think, as you mention that the comma is optional, leaving it in would be just that much clearer for my purpose.

I appreciate the response and the... I guess "satire" is the best word to use.

Why thank you Dead. It was fun

So I had assumed

I might proceed thus:

If I decide to jump then will you first please kick me in the chest, hard as you can, in the hope of causing me to fall and break my arm. Thus when I actually take the plunge my insurance carrier will assume the fracture was not caused by a humanoid. In (which) that case, I've been advised, I'd be ineligible

Dead at your service

Forgive pun