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Please critique my comma usage in these two imperative sentences

 
 
VMey
 
Reply Wed 5 Feb, 2014 04:11 pm
I'm asking for help with commas in the sentences as-is, but I am also asking for help in improving them. I didn't write the content, I'm just trying to clean it up, so I need advice on both sides.

I think the following imperative sentences work better with commas, but I'd like some feedback.

1. "Implement procedures for terminating access to ePHI when the employment of a workforce member ends, or as required."

2. "Implement procedures for the authorization and supervision of workforce members who work with ePHI, or in locations where it might be accessed."

Beyond the commas, I struggle with these sentences because they lack precise meaning.

Sentence #1 is trying to say:
"Implement procedures for terminating ePHI access in the following scenarios:
- The employment of a workforce member comes to an end.
- Other circumstances arise that require terminating ePHI access."

Sentence #2 is trying to say something along the lines of:
"Implement procedures for the authorization and supervision of workforce members who work with ePHI, and implement authorization and supervision procedures in locations where ePHI might be accessed."
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Type: Question • Score: 4 • Views: 814 • Replies: 3
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MontereyJack
 
  1  
Reply Wed 5 Feb, 2014 04:14 pm
they mean just what you think they mean as they stand now.
VMey
 
  1  
Reply Wed 5 Feb, 2014 04:19 pm
@MontereyJack,
Are you trying to say that the comma usage is appropriate?

I agree that the sentences mean that, but I don't believe it is clearly stated.
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neologist
 
  1  
Reply Wed 5 Feb, 2014 04:47 pm
@VMey,
Long sentences are tedious. Perhaps they could be re written as shorter ones.
0 Replies
 
 

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