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Wed 5 Feb, 2014 03:04 pm
So need some insight and thoughts on this. Have dated a great guy for the last 1 1/2 years. Everything between us "seemed" fine, no fights, no major issues or minor ones that I was aware of until last week. We have always given each other our "space" throughout our relationship, not smothering in anyway. We spent a lot of time together between Christmas and New Years, then he had surgery right after the first of the year and I stayed at his house for about a week to help take care of him, his son & daughter & house. His surgery was on his right arm so he was pretty much out of commission for that time, driving, working, etc.
The last day I saw him which was a week ago Sunday, he took me home from staying the weekend at this house, we were perfectly fine! Kisses goodbye, talk to you a little later, normal. Text with him on Monday, nothing Tuesday, Wednesday morning text about his daughter's upcoming birthday party - everything fine and normal! Wednesday night there was some type of blow up between his oldest son & daughter and their scheduling. I called to find out if his daughter needed picked up and he was very rude and short on the phone "I'll take care of it, don't worry about it" and hung up. First time EVER I have heard him like this towards me.
Thursday morning I left him a VM to see how he was doing, no call back, Thursday late afternoon I called again - no answer. A few minutes later I get a text saying something to the effect of "I got your message, I am having issues with my daughter and am really consumed with this right now, not very good company, I need some space I hope you can understand." WOW!!! Shot in the gut. I went to talk to him and he was not happy to see me, said if he had wanted to talk about it he would have told me. I simply asked if this "space" had anything to do with us and if this was a temporary or permanent thing. He said he didn't know that he hadn't been happy with his life in general for awhile and needed time to sort things out.
I have given him his space, no calls, texts, etc. How long do I continue this and what are the general thoughts???
@Grae64,
Grae64 wrote:
.... "I got your message, I am having issues with my daughter and am really consumed with this right now, not very good company, I need some space I hope you can understand." ...
My thoughts are that he actually means this and doesn't want to deal with anything other than his child right now.
@jespah,
In my heart I hope that is true, just wish he would let me in to help him through this.
Quoting -
"I got your message, I am having issues with my daughter and am really consumed with this right now, not very good company, I need some space I hope you can understand." WOW!!! Shot in the gut. I went to talk to him and he was not happy to see me, said if he had wanted to talk about it he would have told me.
You didn't listen.
@Grae64,
Grae64 wrote:
In my heart I hope that is true, just wish he would let me in to help him through this.
But that's not what he wishes at this time.
And dragging his private life on here is certainly not giving him space.
@chai2,
That's a little harsh Chai, especially since with an anonymous post this does nothing to his private life.
@Grae64,
I am trying to look at it from both sides. I can't imagine doing this to my girlfriend... I would at least have resolved things. For what it is worth, I don't think he is being at all fair to you no matter what the circumstance is. I wouldn't want to be in the situation he put you in.
But it sounds like it has been a week since this happened? (It wasn't clear from you message). You might wait a few weeks for him to work whatever crisis out and realize that he wants to come back. He might be in the middle of something and need some time to work it out.
But... if I were in your shoes, and my partner didn't come back with an apology and make a real effort to fix things with me in a month or so, I would lick my wounds and move on. It isn't fair for people to just run away from relationships like this. But after a point you need to accept that it is over.
@chai2,
No one's anonymous on the internet.
Harsh?
So what, she's being clingy.
@chai2,
Come on Chai. I don't know if you have ever been in a meaningful relationship with a human being, but I will tell you that a breakup is difficult even when it is done respectfully. To have a partner just all of a sudden split with no good reason or resolution is especially tough.
Have a little heart Chai.
@maxdancona,
REALLY??? OKAY, so I am not being "clingy" in anyway...I love this man and his life and his children...I am willing to give him whatever space he needs...I realize he is an introvert and I am the complete opposite. I came to a place like this to be able to look outside my daily life, friends, family, etc. But maybe I was wrong in doing this. He has had all the freedoms he has wanted. I am truly worried about him, and whatever the outcome is I will deal with it. At this point I don't know what else to say except that I am just looking for insight that isn't going to cost me $150 per hour...We have been fine, no problems, fights, etc...I have a hard time believing that things can be over this quickly...Sorry if I am being a little naive but I want to see the good in people...I realize sugar coating can't always be the answer but REALLY??? I guess this was the wrong place to come!
@Grae64,
So give him the space he specifically asked for.
@chai2,
I am and I have...Just was looking for some insight as to whether this was "give me space" or get the "**** out of my life"....
@Grae64,
So you come to complete strangers that not only know nothing about you or your partner, but who may indeed have lives more incredibly fucked up that yours could ever begin to be.
Jesus, I'm about to tell you to give me some space, and I don't even know you.
Don't badger him, give him space and go do something productive to take your mind off this.
@Grae64,
Grae64 wrote: A few minutes later I get a text saying something to the effect of "I got your message, I am having issues with my daughter and am really consumed with this right now, not very good company, I need some space I hope you can understand."
I went to talk to him and he was not happy to see me, said if he had wanted to talk about it he would have told me.
He told you he needed space so you went to talk to him?
That's kind of a big relationship faux pas.
You clearly demonstrated that you didn't understand him - when he specifically said he hoped you could understand that he needed some space to deal with an important family issue.
If I did anything now, it would be to send an email (not a text, they always feel demanding to me) apologizing briefly for not respecting his wish for space. I'd let him know (briefly) that I look forward to hearing from him when things with his family are sorted out. A light, supportive email with no demands.
@Grae64,
Quote: I guess this was the wrong place to come!
If we charged $150 an hour would you heed ehbeth's advice?
Because it's straight up.
@panzade,
panzade wrote:
Quote: I guess this was the wrong place to come!
If we charged $150 an hour would you heed ehbeth's advice?
Because it's straight up.
No, that's just the "go to" phrase people use to make something someone else's fault.
That and things like "you don't know me", "I hope you never have to", "I hope someday you have to", "I was just trying to", "Someday you'll", and anything else that presents them as a victim when they are called on their bullshit.
Of course the advice given is straight up. It's just not what the OP wants to here.
The vast majority of people that ask relationship advice here (whether it is real or made up) just want their perspective validated, and get insulted, mopey and upset when reality is put in front of them.
It's the "But I
Love him syndrome.
@chai2,
I appreciate everyone's input, whether it is what I want to hear/believe or not. It gives me insight to all possibilities and ideas I may not have covered in my own brain.
@Grae64,
That's gracious of you Grae.
We're all hoping you'll make the right decision.
Let us know.
@ossobuco,
ossobuco wrote:
Quoting -
"I got your message, I am having issues with my daughter and am really consumed with this right now, not very good company, I need some space I hope you can understand." WOW!!! Shot in the gut. I went to talk to him and he was not happy to see me, said if he had wanted to talk about it he would have told me.
You didn't listen.
But after 1 1/2 years, he owes her more than just "don't call me; I'll call you."
@DrewDad,
That was pretty much my thought too, but obviously I was wrong. We had even just recently had a discussion about people doing this because a good friend of ours went through this with his gf, so I figured since we had both felt the same way he might give me some type of insight.
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