Dating a widower with kids

I have been dating a widower for 6 months, and it is going extremely well. His wife committed suicide almost 6 years ago. He has told me that it really messed him up at the time, but that their marriage was almost over due to her drug use and inaibility to parent their two small children. He and the children went through counseling, and he has had another relationship since his wife passed. (Yes, I am grateful I am not the first.)

I love him with all my heart, and he feels the same about me - he was the first to tell me he loved me, and tells me he has never felt this deeply for anyone in his life, this much in love. We are still crazy about each other, and love each other's kids. We are discussing moving in together, into my house, because I do have a much nicer/larger house and he and the kids love it there. At this point in our lives, we both feel like we know exactly what we want, and when we find it...well, life is too short to not live it and be together. (For the record, he wants to get married again and I have been divorced twice, so I am the holdout, though it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with paying off the bills the addict left me with.)

I have met her parents, and last week I met her sisters and their families at a family gathering. All were very accepting of me, so kind and sweet. I really liked them all and I think they liked me. His kids adore me, and one has already has referred to me as being "like a mother".

I am okay with hearing her name mentioned, but it does bug me to some extent to hear him refer to her more often as "my wife", or her parents as "my in-laws". I realize that her parents are more like parents to him than his own mom and dad, so I cut him some slack there, and that she was his wife for 9 years. But it just feels weird, because we have talked about marriage. And when he mentions "my wife" in front of other people, it's a bit awkward. I guess it's more of something I have to deal with, because technically she is still his wife.

The same night as the family gathering, I finally went IN his house. I had offered to come over several times in the past (he always comes to my house) yet he always had a reason to deny me, and I felt like he didn't want me there for some reason. Recently, after I had brought it up, he issued a standing invitation, but did tell me how he had not had another woman in his house since his wife died because it bothered him. He went out of his way to tell me I was different, that he knew me and was comfortable with me, and he'd be okay with me being in his house.

It didn't bother me at all. That is, until I went in the living room. There were pictures of the two of them on the walls, a wedding picture on a table, another picture in the next room as well as on the hallway leading up the stairs. At least two of the pictures were poster sized, and I am not exaggerating. Granted, I believe that she had hung them as they were engagement photos, but still...there was only one picture each of the kids, so that sent a big message to me. I even think if they were pictures of just her, I might have been okay, but seeing them together as a couple in every single one really threw me. The only room I felt safe in was the kitchen. He showed me around, pointing out things "the wife" had done, and then proceeded to take me to the dining room where he turned on the light and pointed out the huge picture there that they had had everyone sign at their wedding. Uncomfortable was an understatement for how I felt, like an intruder on their marriage.

He told me later that he'd had an emotional day, especially because I had been in his house. And yet he had no concept as to how I felt, nor does he still a week later. I find it ironic that he would be so emotional about me being in his house, when on the other hand he has repeatedly told me that he has no ties to that house and is ready to walk away from it. I guess that's normal, for them to go back and forth on this?

I also believe it's never crossed his mind to take the pictures off the wall. My son has a framed wedding picture of his dad and me in his room, even though he sees his dad once a week - I thought he would like to have it, or else it would be in a box in the basement, or in the trash, depending on how I felt that day. Otherwise, there is no trace of my ex-husband on display in my house, and probably one of the reasons my BF feels so comfortable there. I made a distinct effort to remove all traces - I realize it's not the same as a death, but I also think we might still be together had he not killed the marriage with his addictions. I just felt better not having the reminders everywhere, and making it more MY and my kids' house.

I don't expect my BF to put ALL the pictures away, especially with two kids at home, but I could't even sit on the couch to watch tv because they're both right there in front of me, as a couple. I did not go to his bedroom that night, but he has mentioned me spending the night this weekend. I would be okay with that on 2 conditions - 1) I will talk to him about me being uncomfortable with so many pictures around before then (we haven't yet had alone time to discuss this), and 2) if I do go in his room and there are pictures (especially after we have talked), I will tell him that I cannot stay and why I have to leave. I won't tell him to take the pictures down, but I will tell him how I feel. How he deals with it is up to him. I really do think he just hasn't thought about it, but...we'll see. I think I will lead up to the discussion by asking if he misses her, and if he has truly moved on. He has told me so many bad things about their relationship, and I understand how the bad things seem to disappear after a death and the good things become the memories. I just need to know where he stands so that we can build a life together.

I do try to keep the lines of communication open, and there was one rough patch we've already gone through - about him thinking I would react inappropriately to a situation as his wife would have. I did not, would not, and I proved it to him, so we are in a better place now just by working through that.

Does anyone have any advice? (I did order Abel Keogh's book...can't wait to read it!)