All the way married

Why the hell should he change?

He's got it gooooooooooood.

• He gets to hang around the house and do nothing all day. Does he play video games? Look at porn? Does he even clean the house or do the laundry or cook? I bet the answer to that one is no.
  
• He can pay lip service to you about looking for work, every now and then, in case things get dicey, but for the most part you don't bother him.
  
• He even gets presents from you, on all sorts of occasions.
  
• He never goes without.
  
• He doesn't even have to wipe a soiled child's butt.

About the only negatives in his life are the fact that there's no car and you might, on rare occasions, give him some grief.

I recognize that times are tough and it is difficult to find work (I know this from personal experience), but there are things that he can do. Even if he cannot find work, he can perform all of the household tasks so that you don't have to. He can also be working on helping to save money. This can include him telling you, a gift for our 12th Valentines' Day is lovely, but let's save the money instead. Because, truly, by buying him a bunch of stuff, you are also putting off financial independence. And you won't be able to retire on stuffed bears or dead flowers or whatever you're buying him.

What to do?

You need not be nasty and don't need to hit the nuclear option immediately. But he's got to learn that things are going to change. He isn't getting your hints and your wishing and hoping. Why not? Because, like I said, his life is currently grand, and he has no motivation or desire or reason to ever change it. You need to make a stand and make it clear that this is no longer acceptable. No hinting. No wishing and hoping. This is you saying, "John (or whatever his name is), I come home from work tired and I can no longer accept you just hanging around. If you cannot find work, then you need to be doing everything around the house. This has not been an equal partnership because you are not pulling your weight. That has to end today."

And make a list of what needs to be done around the house. Divide it into daily, weekly, monthly, and quarterly tasks. Are you treating him like a child? You betcha. But he sure as hell is acting like one.

If he whines and bitches, tell him that he can do less if he finds work outside the home - but that doesn't let him off the hook for housework. All that does is, it means the burden shifts partly back to you. But the person not working must be the one to handle the inside.

And maybe consider some counseling, whether he starts helping out or not, and learn why you accepted, for so long, such an unequal relationship. Why you felt the need to shower an ungrateful lout with gifts that he doesn't even have the decency to reciprocate. Why you thought it was a good idea to just swallow his transportation problems excuse for years (he can take a bus, have a friend drive him, get a used car, get work closer to home, find a work from home job, etc.). Figure out why you thought this was okay, and maybe give your marriage a workout. Figure out why you think it's okay to swallow this forever, in the name of marriage, when your husband, at least from a semi-objective perspective, treats you with so little respect.

This man (?) is not holding up his part of a marriage. What does he do ALL DAY!?

Give him an ultimatum - get a job or get out.

This is NOT going to get better. He has NO reason to change because you have made things too comfortable. Stop being a floormat.

Welcome to motherhood! You need to decide if you want to raise this emotional infant or have children of your own. Do you consider yourself as having any worth? ( as in deserving support in the way you are willing to give it). You are enabling this person! I don't mean to offend you but you are a doormat. You need transportation and he needs to get off his lazy bum. Do you think you're worth so little that you need not have any expectations ?! This is off the charts.

"He stopped working because of transportation problems"
What does that mean exactly?

It could mean that America is more sparsely populated and public transportation is not reliable. The real question is why this poor excuse for a partner hasn't been able to find employment for 3+ years.

Are you in Northern Virginia or the rural central and southern areas?

Thank you for everyone's advice thus far..,, to answer some of your questions, I am in the northern part of Virginia. When he was working, his job was far away from where we live. He had a friend that worked with him and his friend would drive him back and forth to work. Well his friend was transferred to another location and my husband was later fired bcuz he couldn't make It back and forth to work on his own. Yes there is a bus route but he complained about having to take 3 buses if he were to go to work on his own...... and here we are now.
On another note, I have to apologize for not mentioning in my initial post that he does almost everything around the house (I guess I was in complaining mode) but he cooks almost every night and cleans. The only time I cook or clean is when I want to. He even does it on my off days when I'm home with him. And someone asked about video games.... He doesn't play any
I do however agree with counseling because I have to take part ownership in this for letting it happen. I do complain like I wrote in my 1st post and it just doesn't seem like it phases him. I found a job in the area and l walk back and forth to work in all types of weather. I'm just tired but I can't get mad at him not seeing me as "worth it" if I don't see me as "worth it" ........... *tear*

Ok then.. This changes everything

Yes, here we are.

As in the case of many of the female posters asking advice here it comes down to not asserting oneself because of esteem issues.
You seem to get the picture Married.
Now it's a matter of doing what you have to do.
I have faith you will

Your right....... Your so right!

Well if you CHOSE to marry him even though he'd been unemployed for 3 years, you knew what you were getting into..
Same when my sister married a Hell's Angel 30 years ago, he was a nice guy and i liked him, but she started nagging him to give up his boozing smoking and gambling, but he refused pointblank and replied "You knew what I was like before we got married so i don't see why i should change now!"
He certainly had a point..
(Their marriage rumbled on for 17 years before she finally divorced him)

Someone to cook and clean and also make love to?! Doesn't sound horrible.

It's something. 3 buses?

Here's a true story.

My father grew up in Brooklyn. He worked, when he first got out of school, and before marrying my mother, in the Bronx. It took him something like 2 hours each way to get to work. He still did it.

It's possible. It's a pain in the ass, but it's possible.

It's the dependence that's an issue, too - e. g. why your husband made himself so dependent upon a coworker that he ended up being fired for lateness and absenteeism when the coworker was transferred. Is there a reason your husband doesn't drive (e. g. a history of DUI)? You need not get into the specifics, but if that impediment is not there, then the best thing to do is for you to buy a clunker so that you can get a ride in the snow and cold and he can tell potential employers that he can drive to work. Then buy a better car when he starts working. If you buy through a dealer, you can get some version of a warranty and a payment plan. Put your Valentines' Day funds toward that.

You are a worthwhile person. You do not have to accept this. This is not living.

Thank you. That's what it comes down to.

Everyone made very good points and I appreciate everyone's advice. I definitely have some work to do! I'm glad I put my story on this forum.

Hang in there, and let us know what happens. 'Cause we're nosy we care.

Seriously, we really do care, and we hope things will get better for you.