Disciplining my 12 year old step daughter

Forums: Relationships, Family, Parenting, Childcare, Step Daughter
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Last Christmas my step daughter got a kindle fire from her cousin for Christmas. Well, later on that year, the same cousin bought her own stepdaughter an i pad. Of course, this Christmas, my stepdaughter was jealous of her cousins i pad. So that was first on her list. I went out on Black Friday and waited four and a half hours to get her the i pad mini. Needless to say she was ecstatic Christmas morning when she opened her big gift. ( she knows who and where the gifts come from Wink

) Everyone in the house decided that since they all had something of technology except me; an i pad, a nook, etc. She would give her old kindle to me so i would have something too. Just as i was really getting into my kindle, she went to sleep at her cousins house and took both the kindle and the i pad. I had just told her my password so she could play a game on it. When i realized the kindle was missing, i called her and asked her if she knew where it was. She told me she took it. I asked why? She said because its hers. I was furious. I am tempted to permanently take her i pad away claiming that its mine. Change the password, and the account, to teach her a lesson. But, i'm not sure that's the best way for her to learn that what she did was wrong. How do i discipline her in a way that won't just be me taking out my anger, or getting revenge? I'd like this to be something she can learn from. And, not just something that will make me look bad. Being her stepfather, she doesn't exactly see me as a role model or fatherly figure anyway. I'm more like the guy her mom is dating as of the moment. But her mom is my wife, and we have been together for four years now. We also have two other children; 3 yrs, and 5 mo.

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@acidreflux714,

What does your wife say? How does she want to handle it?

This has to come from both of you, as a united front. Your wife needs to make it clear to her daughter that, when she gave the kindle to you, that she actually gave it away, and it no longer belongs to her. That means that permission needs to be granted if she is going to borrow it, just as surely as if she were older and borrowing your car.

She doesn't get a free pass on permission and ownership boundaries just because she used to own this particular piece of equipment, or she doesn't fully accept you, or whatever other excuse there might be.

She gave you something. It's yours. It's no longer hers. That means that she can't just take it whenever she feels like it.

I suggest you change your password anyway, more because then you can fully use the piece (e. g. if you want to read something that isn't appropriate for tweens), than as any sort of vindictive measure. You are entitled to have full ownership of it and not some maybe, sorta, kinda but you let her play games and this, that, and the other thing.

No. You don't. You allow her to play games on it if you sign in for her, to your piece of equipment because it is your property.

I think ownership boundaries are blurry here, and I think that by just letting her use it whenever, you've done some of the blurring. If you want her to respect this as being your property, you are going to have to draw some sharper, clearer lines here.

But get your wife on board with everything, and present a united front. If your stepdaughter thinks that she can divide and conquer the two of you now, it'll be hell when she starts seriously dating, learning to drive, etc.

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@acidreflux714,

We have taken away her i pad away briefly as a means of discipline before. She knows she will get it back eventually. So, that doesn't do the trick. She's smarter than her age. By the time she gets back from her cousins, she will have most likely changed her password so as to not let us have any access to it. I feel like no matter how we try to discipline her, she sees it as us trying to control her and belittle her. My question is; What would be the best means of punishment for her actions that would go the furthest in teaching her that by taking both the i pad and the kindle and claiming that they are both hers is greedy. She wanted her kindle replaced with an i pad so badly, so we made it happen. As it is her cousin probably sees this as us trying to one up her gift. I imagine her cousin is telling her that they are both hers, considering that they were both gifted to her. But she agreed to give me the kindle. I don't care if i have either of them. If your taking this as me wanting one of the things, that's not the case. If it would prove anything, i would sell one back to the store. I believe she's spoiled as it is.

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I would take away the Kindle, even if that means no one uses it. But I would avoid angry words and greater punishment, if possible.

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@acidreflux714,

I can't really talk to you about the best methods of disciplining her. Maybe you really should sell the kindle on eBay and be rid of it. There may be charities where you can donate it, e. g. to a children's hospital.

As for the ipad, if she changes the password, you need to have it. Period, end of story. The ipad should be removed until she gives up the password and, on condition of keeping it, you need to always know her password.

You need to know hers. She does not need to know yours. Note the difference. She is a minor living under your roof. You do not want her exposed to things she is not ready for (e. g. explicit books, that sort of thing), right? So if you can't get in, then the ipad is a pretty and expensive paperweight until you can. I know that the parents here who have kids with technology will back this one up. For one thing, just as a practical measure, if she's ordering stuff, you need to see what you're paying for.

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@jespah,

Thank you for your advice jespah. You are right in saying that my wife and i need to be on the same page. And i have blurred the lines of ownership. I thought that telling her the password was a gesture of kindness. Kind of like saying "we are family, and whats yours is mine." But i do tend to view some websites that aren't friendly for her age group. Your educated advice is exactly why i came here with my dilemma. As for my wife, It seems that we are on totally different pages all the time. She tends to be too soft, while i'm too hard. She wants to take her i pad away temporarily again, and get my kindle back. But i feel that that won't get the point across. I know now that i will change the password so as to not let her on it unless its supervised. I feel like a new agreement needs to be made on ownership of the things. But i also feel that she will want ownership of both.

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Thank you all for that advice. I agree with all of you. This is very helpfull. When my wife gets home i will have her read this. Keep em coming. Smile

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My wife and my stepdaughter had come to the agreement on their own to give me the kindle. Maybe it wasn't on my stepdaughters terms. I don't know if my wife asked her if it was ok to give me the kindle or if she just told her that was the way it was going to be. I think i need to know that little bit of information before i decide which way to go with this. If it wasn't an agreement by both sides, then i need to re asses the situation. That would mean that they are both hers. I wouldn't know what to do at that point. Who's 12 year old needs an i pad and a kindle? I think purchasing the kindle last year for her was a poor decision by her cousin. Maybe she was too young for it. I mean the kids got more technology than me. Lol.

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I thought you said "Everyone in the house decided . . ."

Apparently she does not respect those kinds of decisions. She would have ASKED you to take the kindle out of the house if she respected family rules and other people's property. She sounds like an indulged child, is she?

Now, as a mother of 4, grandmother of 5, I can see this happening at my house - but only once. I would have given her a choice of ONE of the two and she would have to understand that the other one was mine. Then I would have put mine out of site.

These kind of issues need to be resolved. As a stepfather, you need her mother in agreement with you on how to handle things like this.

Get this settled; I feel sorry for you when she gets to be 16 there are cars in the driveway.

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@acidreflux714,

First, when a "united front" is agreed upon, don't allowed to be undermined by having your wife make unilateral deals with your step-daughter. That 12 year-old might not see you "as a role model or fatherly figure", but you must act as one in any case.
Take charge and be the man in the family (if not that - what??) Tell your wife, that after long deliberation, you decided that the situation calls for a slightly different approach. Have her firmly back your decision, and if she does, make her promise to you she will not suggest compromise. Then taking both the kindle and I pad, and only return the I pad when she gives you the administrative password, this will stop her from changing others without your OK, (and never give it up). Do the same with your kindle and keep it, and let the issue end there.
Yes, kids do need new technology to keep up with a fast moving world, so she will decide how quick she will get the I pad back, (quicker than you think), still, keep to your guns. It's imperative that you stay cool, calm, and collected when you hand out this discipline. I suggest you be sympathetic - yet unyielding; be willing to discuss as long as she wants and listen to her objections carefully, but do not waiver on your decision. It's important you do not raise your voice (the louder she gets, the quieter you should become), express dismay that it should come to this, express hope it will never have to again, and do your best to have her accept that it is a bigger deal than she thinks it is.
I hope things go smoothly for you - good luck.

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Quote:

Acidreflux said: Everyone in the house decided that since they all had something of technology except me; an i pad, a nook, etc. She would give her old kindle to me so i would have something too

Yeah like other posters have suggested, maybe she felt the rest of the family were bullying her into giving it to you, so she hung onto it as a way of saying "Nobody tells me what to do!"
Maybe if nobody'd pressured her she'd have happily given it to you.
Alternatively she might have decided to give it to her pal all along.. Smile

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Disciplining my 12 year old step daughter

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