Upcoming Marriage - sex problem

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I've posted a few things on here about my upcoming marriage. I have this woman that I love very much and our lives fit perfectly together on so many levels with the exception of one thing that has recently become a problem. We've been together for roughly 18 months. During the first year sex was great. We had sex in the morning, sex at night, sex on lunch breaks, etc... I would give her oral regularly, I would try different things in the bedroom that she loved with hot wax, different toys, etc.. She would randomly give me oral before I went to work or just while we were watching TV at night. Then all of a sudden it stopped. I remember it clearly, she gave me probably the best head I'd ever received one day. Afterwards she talked about how wet it made her to do that for me and talked about how she loved making me happy like that. I told her I was a lucky man and that she was beautiful. Well, after that day 3 months went by with nothing(I remember the timing because that last bj was last day of a vaca we were on). When I asked her about it after 3 months, she got upset and immediately said "what do I have to put it on the calendar"? Now in this time I had still been giving and giving and giving. I go down on her almost weekly, she has no problem grabbing my head and having an orgasm all over my face to this day. So we had this discussion about it and in the end she said that she realized that she had been neglecting me in that area. A day or two later she gave me head when I got home from work. Again it was amazing, but she also never did it again and it's been another 3 months. Last night we were sitting on the couch and she said "why dont' we go lay in bed and cuddle". My response was "hey I have a better idea. I'll take a quick shower, you can take care of me real quick and then I'll give you that massage you wanted". I got the silent treatment so I said, no big deal maybe some other time. I took my shower and went to bed. She very reluctantly started touching me and giving me a handjob, put her mouth on me for about 10 seconds and then pushed my hand off of her(on her back, I wasn't pushing head or anything like that). I told her to stop and we can do this another time when she was actually into it. She was basically watching TV while jerking me off and that was just not a turn on to me at all.
My question is, am I wrong for being upset that this has stopped and now it's turned into an issue between us? I don't want to ask for it, but what does a person do when they aren't getting what they need out of their partner or they feel like they are giving 10x more than receiving"? I'm afraid that either she lost interest in me or that this is going to be a problem in our sex life forever. I hate to think of us not being together, but sex life is very important in any relationship and this sudden change from when I asked her to marry me is very unsettling.

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@In-lovebk0803,

Ok, I've got to ask because it may make a difference in how people respond. During these two 3-month time periods, were the two of you sexually active?

Quote:

Well, after that day 3 months went by with nothing

So was there really nothing or did she just not give you oral for those three months? It sounds from the post that she simply didn't give you oral but was otherwise intimate with you since you at least write that you gave her oral. Is it simply that you believe that when you give her oral that she should reciprocate?

I guess basically I'm asking if there is a lack of sex or simply a lack of her giving you oral?

Quote:

My response was "hey I have a better idea. I'll take a quick shower, you can take care of me real quick

What a romantic you are. Why didn't you just go cuddle with her as she suggested and see where that would lead? My wife would have locked me out of the bedroom for a month had I responded as you did. And rightfully so. Talk about treating someone as though they are simply your personal sex toy. (Sorry if I offend, but you gotta know how that sounded to her.)

Quote:

but sex life is very important in any relationship and this sudden change from when I asked her to marry me is very unsettling.

My question to you is simply this. Do you love her? I used this example in another thread response, but I think it may be relevant here also. If tomorrow she were in an accident and be unable to have a sexual relationship with you, would you still want to marry her and be faithful to her? Because that is love. And if you do not love her that much, then maybe you really should rethink the marriage thing.

Don't get me wrong. I understand you wondering what has changed. So why don't you take an evening, sit down without the TV on, and talk to her. Ask her what has changed. If you cannot communicate now, you might as well save yourself the trouble of getting married.

1 Reply

@In-lovebk0803,

Sounds like oral is the determining factor for you...ok..as far as satisfaction goes, does she know that?! There are many women who love to do and/or learn to love it based on loving and pleasing their partners. Communication is crucial.

1 Reply

@CoastalRat,

To answer your questions. Yes we were still sexually active, very sexually active. There is something about receiving oral that is very intimate and relaxing. It's something that I've grown used to and can't understand why it stopped.

As far as me being a romantic, our sex life is what it is. Sometimes we're lovey dovey and romantic and other times we're straight to it. She has plenty of times said to me, "why don't we go inside so you can f*k the sh*t out of me". So me saying why don't we go inside so you can do such and such to me is not that far out of the norm.

Yes I love her and if she were in an accident I would be by her side forever and remain faithful. That question is somewhat of a bad one though IMO. If she had a physical or a medical issue that caused her to stop giving me oral I would be 100% ok with it. It's the fact that she wanted so badly to make me happy before I proposed to her. Now all of a sudden it's stopped and there is no reason for it. She wasn't in a car accident. I've tried to bring it up and she gets mad at me and says that I shouldn't bring it up if I want it. But that's a catch 22 because if I don't bring it up she doesn't do it and if I do bring it up she doesn't do it because I had to bring it up.

To be honest I am considering whether or not I want to go through with the marriage now. I hate to say that, it makes me feel like an a$$, but at the same time if she already is not as intimate with me and we're not married yet, what is going to happen when we get married. I love everything else about our life together, but this could be a deal breaker for me and I'm struggling with it.

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@Germlat,

yes, she knows it. In the beginning she used to ask me what I like, how I like it. She was reading magazine articles on the topic, talking to me about it and wanting to make sure she was pleasing me. The first few times it was not that good, but she really did put in effort to get better at it. It's like once she got to the point where she knew she was doing it perfectly for me she stopped doing it or caring about it.

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@In-lovebk0803,

See, the additional info makes a difference. If the dynamic of your relationship is that you will both just out of the blue offer to go in and screw, then of course there was nothing out of the ordinary in your response. Although, following immediately on the heels of her asking to go cuddle is still a bit crass in my personal opinion.

So, what you are saying is that you two are still intimate and sexually active, she just doesn't go down on you often enough for you. Well, I don't know what to tell you. If you cannot overlook that tiny aspect (and in the big scheme of things, considering you two have an otherwise healthy sexual relationship, it is a tiny aspect) then you'll pardon me for wondering if you really love her as much as you think. Because your view seems to be akin to saying that the ABC Ice Cream Store makes the best ice cream you have ever tasted in your life, but since they seldom have strawberry anymore, you need to find another ice cream store. So what if you seldom get strawberry anymore? If the ice cream is the greatest, can't you deal with a little less strawberry in order to keep getting all the vanilla and chocolate and cherry and peach that you want?

I'm just saying I still think you are taking a very narrow view here. ALTHOUGH, in your defense, if you have tried to talk to her about it as you say, and she doesn't want to talk about it, then you do have a right to be concerned about a lasting marriage. She needs to sit down with you and discuss this openly and honestly.

1 Reply

@CoastalRat,

You know what? It's a tiny aspect maybe, I don't know. Sex life is important though, a couple should take care of each other's needs. Especially after doing something for a year, knowing how important it is to your partner and then all of a sudden stopping and getting mad if the person asks what happened to that part of our sex life. It's very upsetting to me. I feel like the answer is obvious maybe. She used to be more attracted to me when we first met and now she's lost interest in that part of our life. She used to enjoy making me happy in that way and now she doesn't. I'm not happy, I expect after some time being married things change, but this started right after we got engaged and the fact that she really won't discuss it is just killing me. In the end I don't think I could leave her over this. Everything else is perfect, we fit together like a husband and wife should. This just changed after we got engaged and I didn't mind too much at first. I just don't know why and don't know why she can't really discuss it without getting mad at me. I know it's not wrong to asks why something changed in a relationship where everything else has stayed the same.

1 Reply

@In-lovebk0803,

I never said sex was not important. It is an important part of a marriage. And in case you missed it, I agreed that the thing that would send warning bells for me is her refusal to sit down and talk about it. A marriage needs to have both partners communicating with each other. Without a willingness to sit down and discuss issues that will certainly come up, a marriage is not likely to succeed. That would be my major concern, if I were you. Not that she has nearly stopped giving me blow jobs.

1 Reply

@CoastalRat,

I think I need a therapist. F*ck

2 Replies

@In-lovebk0803,

It sounds as if you are implying that until you put a ring on it, it was all rosy, perfect sexually.. Then once you put a ring on it, things stopped, as if, to insinuate that now she has the ring she doesn't have to do that anymore, or less.

Anything could have stopped her for that 3 months. But unless she's willing to discuss the matter as Coastal pointed out, you're left in the dark with the question of why. I get the feeling you feel as if you are not as important anymore. That you give, but she has stopped giving in that particular area sexually. If that's how you feel that is what you should be saying to her but in the right manner. Men have emotions too.

I'm a woman. But, I do think that if the above is your thinking pattern, it will drive you nuts if you keep asking yourself why not.

If I was you, I'd remain engaged, not get married for some time, continue in a loving "happy" fun, warm relationship and just see what happens in all aspects of your lives together without question. If things get worse you have your answer, if they level out, you have a good chance together, if it gets better, there was just a hiccup at that time. Like perhaps she felt the lust had gone or she had problems that she needed to deal with which reflected on her life and she didn't feel up to wanting to be sensual at all...

1 Reply

@FOUND SOUL,

Thank you. I wish it were that easy, we have a date set for this summer already.
I get the same feeling, I'm not that important anymore. I'm generally not a Debbie downer about myself, but this doesn't feel good right now and I am driving myself nuts. Sexually and emotionally frustrated

1 Reply

@In-lovebk0803,

Date.

You could be barking up the wrong tree.

Tell her to get dressed nice, your going out. Take her someone and create a great night out, with romance and laughter, let her see what she is marrying, remind her not verbally and do not discuss blow jobs Smile

Don't expect anything necessarily that night.. But watch over the next few days

1 Reply

@FOUND SOUL,

I take her out regularly. I haven't stopped any of that. I still get flowers and other random knick knacks, stuffed animals that remind me of her, I listen to things she says when were out and I go back and buy her things I know she can use. Things she might not normally go out and get. I've only brought up blow jobs twice in these past six months. Both times were met with hostility. It doesn't make any sense other than she is just not interested. I'm going to have to make a decision to either accept it or not. This is killing me because I can't stop thinking about it now, f*k.

1 Reply

@In-lovebk0803,

This sentence was very revealing about you:

" My response was "hey I have a better idea. I'll take a quick shower, you can take care of me real quick and then I'll give you that massage you wanted".

You seem to put YOUR blowjob first, above all, and it has to be real quick and it has to be first. Maybe she thinks you are a selfish person. Doya think?

Your whining and pouting would drive me crazy, like a child who won't eat anything but sandwiches and he wants them before dinner is served to anyone else.

In any case, I don't think you ought to get married. If you two are fighting about this now, I can't imagine what if would be like after the wedding.

1 Reply

@In-lovebk0803,

A therapist? Naw, not yet. But you do need to stop obsessing over this. It could be worse. My wife won't even entertain the idea of oral sex. And I can honestly say it does not really bother me because we still have a pretty good sex life. And we've been married almost 32 years. She is uncomfortable with the idea, and so out of love I don't push her.

Now I know that is not exactly your situation, since she has shown a willingness to perform oral on you, but my point is that love does not make a partner feel uncomfortable or guilty for not doing something that for whatever reason they don't want to do at that time.

Anyway, good luck as you work out how you feel about the situation and consider how best to deal with it. In the long run, since we will never really know every detail of the situation (since we cannot get her viewpoint) all we can give you is encouragement and the only real advice for you is to work toward getting her to talk openly with you.

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@PUNKEY,

And I think u should go **** ur self

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@In-lovebk0803,

Now that was real mature. You came here looking for opinions/advice or whatever and then when you get an opinion that you don't like, you regress to some school-aged punk who thinks he is being grown up by using language that is inappropriate.

Please try a bit of decorum on here. If you cannot handle criticism without being obnoxious, then maybe you should not go looking for honest opinions on a site like this.

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@In-lovebk0803,

Find another woman to marry, that's my advice. This one doesn't even talk easily much less give freely enough of her body so that you won't have to spend precious energy getting her to the bed. In the beginning she was trying to impress you; later she manipulates. She's "the strong silent type." That is, she will not talk or communicate but "do things" to you first (like not talking, not giving you sex) and you'll be always having to ask, "Baby darling what's wrong?" Etc. etc. Have you tried finding the sweet women around you, those who really love men? When you find a sweet woman whose temperament you can trust, learn to talk to her. I've found that men are totally stupid about talking to women. Men don't know that "finding out things in the beginning" is the key to it all. We will give away all of our secrets at the beginning of a relationship and then, as the relationship grows older and older, cover up and evade. So talk, right from the beginning. Find out everything you can. Perhaps the woman won't tell you anything. If not, leave her and find someone who wants you inside her, deep inside, and doesn't argue and taunt you with accusations of jealousy when you ask her, "Hon, tell me about that first (or second or third or twentieth) boyfriend of yours. Was he good in bed, handsome, last long, what?" OR, "Honey pie, I'd like to meet your mom. If we're going to be together, I'd like to know how you treat your mom."

Learn everything you can. Does she like your fingernails, your mouth, your thang? Is she messy like you and doesn't nag about it? There are endless things to learn as well as having good sex (and remember the sex must last and last, so find a woman who agrees with your desires and fantasies and will share lots of her own with you. You will get very tired if you have to drag them out of her, believe me.) I know these things. Believe me, I do. I go out with all sorts of people and chatter them almost to death-- but it's with questions about them, and so they feel flattered. But then I know if we're rather a fit.

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@In-lovebk0803,

In-Love, the only thing I can see that's changed is her appetite for giving you blow jobs.
Going to therapy by yourself doesn't make sense.
You guys should make an appointment to go together and get this issue straightened out.
It's too petty to derail an upcoming marriage....just sayin'

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Upcoming Marriage - sex problem

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