Old photos / mementos. Where to draw the line.

yup. you got that right.

Thanks, I kinda thought as much.

I dated a woman for a while, her hub had run off with another woman and she kept saying "I still love him"
I told her "Look, you're seeing ME now, so FORGET him, he's history!".
"But I still love him" she said, so I ditched her..

My fiancé doesn't still love this person. But the fact that she had that picture up for over ten years after they last spoke was just too much for me. And if she never showed it to me I'd be ok I think. Seeing her in his arms and knowing she looked At it for so long really upset me. I know it's stupid which is the hardest part. Im glad she got rid of it, now I just have to make sure I don't act like an ass over anything else

I've got photos of boyfriends going back to the first boy who gave me a ring for my 6th birthday. The thought that anyone would think it reasonable to ask/tell me get rid of my memories ... it's a game-ender.

Thanks for continuing to drive the point home, I hope you feel better about yourself now.

What, are we only allowed one post each?

Don't be angry with someone offering advice which you solicit. When you ask for advice be prepared for there being a different answer than what you want to hear. I tend to agree with Ehbeth.

I will add that I feel sympathy for your situation. I've been in a somewhat similar situation with someone who was a widow and had many photos and mementos all over her house. Even in the bedroom. And, yes, we were an intimate couple.

When we had a reasonable level-headed discussion, she decided to leave the pics/keepsakes as they were (non-removal even in the bedroom). I decided to break it off. I wished her well and she did the same. i had no problem with a few pics around the house but in the bedroom, I felt it a bit creepy......and unnecessarily invaded/interfered.

Also if I were her, I'd be uncomfortable that you snooped in her closet and searched and found these pictures. There is such a thing as a certain level of privacy. She was not exposing you to them ion a daily level and should be acceptable that she had them and kept them private. After she had a life before you and so did you.

thank you for the reply. I did not snoop anywhere, she came up to me and said hey here's a picture of me and so and so. This so and so happened to be her first love which I knew based on conversations that we had previously. It took me by surprise to have her show me the pic because I had pics of my ex wife that I would never have shown her purposely especially if we were being somewhat intimate in the picture. A picture of my ex by herself is one thing but a picture of my ex and I wrapped up together is not something I think is worth sharing with my new love, just the way I am. Some people may agree and others may not. That's what makes us all different. Anyway, I wound up throwing out my ex wife pics as a result because I do not feel the need to keep those memories locked away in a box somewhere. That part of my life is over and I would never need to look at those again. Again my own philosophy. As far as my fiancé's pic of her ex. There was something eating at me every time I opened the closet because I knew it was in there. I never looked again, I just knew it and for some reason it bothered me. It's an f'd up feeling because I wasn't even jealous of him. I know that was ten years ago and over, I just didn't like seeing that box. If I had never seen the pic I wouldn't have cared one bit that she had a box of things from her first love. It was the visual of them together that hurt. After a few months, I calmly told her that it was bothering me and asked why she felt the need to keep it. She was so cool about it and just told me that I should have told her sooner. My fiancé is awesome and I know that I'm lucky to have her. The bottom line is I still feel bad about it because I know it was wrong of me. She keeps everything and I f'd up. I know everybody out there including Ehbeth has done something they realized was wrong after the fact. I only got upset with Ehbeth because her initial reply was to tell me I was wrong. I replied and said I knew it and was going to work on myself and not being an asshole as I knew I was in this particular case. Instead of just letting it go Ehbeth decided to pile on top which I felt there was no need for. If you see my initial reply was to say thank you to Ehbeth because I know she is right. BUT there is no need to continue to pile on top of somebody that already feels like crap and has admitted they did wrong. Anyway, no worries. My fiancé loves me and life is good. Have a good day and again, thanks for the reply.

Agree and I love and care for my wife far more then all the others women that had been in my life all together but I have a thousand pictures on my computers screens savers and some of those pictures have old loves in them, just as some had old pets and family members and so on.

Having a few pictures dating back to my youth of a few women that met something to me is not a threat of any kind to the love I hold for my wife and she know it.

Well explained. I feel that in general, you're doing just fine, IMHO. You seem like a thoughtful as well as sensitive (sometimes, as well are, you're a bit raw when it comes to deep emotional stuff like this).

Keep up with your exploring and discussions going with your lady. I think you'll eventually sort this out well. However, online discussion of this could be problematic for you...not sure there. However, know that Ehbeth is one of our most caring and thoughtful members. Your reaction tells a lot about where you at (raw) with this issue. That's not a bad thing...but online discussion of it may not be in your best interests at this time.

I'll address this. through your quote:

Remember your philosophy is yours. Furthermore, the boundary of where that ends is with you. How you apply this dynamic and your behavior also has it limits. Her philosophy and her actions and resolution are another thing. I think you are respectful of that.

I wish you the best as none of this is easy- but do recognize such discussions online of these intense matters has its limits for YOU - especially now.

The fact that you get upset about a photo that is now in the closet is a little extreme.

Something else must be going on for you to get so upset about that.

My wife and I have been married for almost 32 years. In my dresser in a small box are a few things I keep from my past. There are 2 photos in there of two young ladies, one of whom I dated for a bit and one who I was simply very close to. My wife knows they are there and has never had a complaint. She knows where my heart is now. (I still communicate with the one woman, the other I have not seen or talked to in a number of years other than wishing her a happy birthday on FB.)

I guess what I am trying to say is that as long as her actions show that you are her only current love, then what harm are a few pictures. After all, a picture is simply a way of remembering and she carries memories in her head all the time. So until you can invent something to erase a person's memories, you might as well live with the pictures.

Hope all that makes sense. It did as I was typing it.

agreed, which is exactly why I was upset with myself afterward. I know it's my philosophy and not hers. I was kicking myself so hard for it even though she didn't seem to care one bit. Yes I am raw sometimes with my emotions, but one thing I know I'm very good at is admitting my own flaws and working on them. That's why I tried posting something online to get perspective of others so that I could learn to change my behaviors going forward. If I were to speak to a friend or family member there answers may not be so raw or honest as they would consider my feelings more than strangers would. Some of the replies here were very helpful including Ehbeth's, That first reply was perfect for me and gave me everything I needed. I just didn't appreciate the extra jump on top while I was down. You are right though, online discussion can go many ways and I need to expect it and be ok with it. Thank you again.

I am in the middle on this one. IMO, a person's history is a precious thing. I would not become upset over some old pictures in a closet. I would get upset over a picture in the bedroom. I believe that crosses the line.

Each person needs to explore and understand his own comfort zone. If the partner holds incongruent ideas, I think that it would be wise to discuss the issue thoroughly and decide whether to continue the relationship.

Nobody is perfect. I'll admit all day that I have flaws. All I can do is own up to my flaws and work on them. She has an ex boyfriend that lives two doors down that never even crosses my mind. It was the fact that she went out of her way to show me a photo of her and her first love wrapped up together. I wasn't ready for that, I didn't ask for that and it's not something that I need to see. After that for whatever reason it started eating at me. I didn't flip out and go crazy about it. Like I said, it was bothering me so I mentioned to her just as I would expect her to do when something is on her mind. Come to think of it, I don't think I actually said "I need you to get rid of it". I just let her know that it was something that made me uncomfortable and she said "no problem, you should have told me sooner it really means nothing to me so I'll toss it". She is an amazing woman and I love her for it. I knew as soon as she did it that it was wrong and I feel horrible about it. There are tons of other pictures of her with other boyfriends and with this guy I think that don't get a second thought out of me. Something in my mind just couldn't stop thinking about this particular picture.

Thank you. Your reply was very helpful and will help me to be more respectful and understanding going forward. I know that I've given her everything she needs in this relationship. This particular instance I screwed up by letting some emotions get the best of me. All I can do is get better and not try to punish myself too hard for this mistake.

You are absolutely right. Every couple has their own way of dealing with their own relationship. In general she doesn't want to see any pictures of my ex's and has expressed that to me. I would never show them anyway, but I know that if I felt the need to keep some old photos stored away she would be ok with it. It was the fact that she showed it to me, I never asked. It was unprovoked, just here look at this while I was watching tv one day. I knew before that she had old mementos, I just never cared about them. They are her memories and if the choice were up to me I would never have seen anything. Once she put it in my face it changed the way I felt. If it were just a pic of the guy by himself or the two of them together but not wrapped up together I would have been completely fine. For whatever reason this pic got under my skin. What can I say, I'm human.