I need dating advice!

Reply Wed 1 Jan, 2014 02:39 am
Dear Readers,
I'm a 25 year old single female currently working and studying. Cutting to the point I met a man a couple of weekends ago at a friends get together. I gave him my cell phone number that weekend. About one whole day after he text me. Since then we have been text messaging each other everyday. I have only seen him in person twice. The second time I saw him was with a group of friends. Toward the end of the night of the second time I saw him when we were both alone he leaned in to kiss me and I reciprocated the kiss. He needed a ride home because he had been drinking and so I took him home. Everything was going fine. He didn't make any moves on me. There was nothing about his body language, behavior, speech etc that was indicative of the "I wanna bang you tonight" type. Although, I do acknowledge he is a guy. Fast forwarding, after I initiated, about 4 hours after lying in bed we had sex that night and it was great! The morning rolled around with half of an eye open while lying on his chest I noticed he was starring at me smiling. So that was the last time I saw him Sad Before I talk about my frustration with him and receive your advice I'd like to share that BEFORE and after we had sex in his own words he shared that
1. He wants to take it slow mainly because he recently got out of a long term relationship
2. "I take it slow so please don't get frustrated with me" he said
3. The morning after sex he said that wasn't his best sex it's just that he was a bit wasted ..."you'll see" he said
4. "I tend to talk a lot you'll probably get annoyed by me"
5. He's a bit shy at first.
6. He's not really into technology (Phones or what not)

Here are my frustrations:
1. I met him approximately 2 weeks ago and he has not spoken to me over the phone. After the first week I kindly informed him that I prefer to talk over the phone if when he gets a chance to call me. He replied with "Ya, I'll call you tonight I"m at work" and what happened? He never called. He continued to text me.
2. A couple days later I decided to take matters into my own hands thinking that perhaps it is his shyness that crippling him from calling me and he didn't answer and simply text me with "I'm out fishing with my mom I'll call you after" Well.....He never called. Later rolled around and he continued to text.
3. He's horrible at communicating through text. His text are simple, boring, and usually one sided. I've gotten him to open up a little but it's usually when i ask him questions about work...and oh can he text about work.
4. Through text ..he never reciprocates. Never an AND YOU? or What about YOU? How was your day? you get the point. I'm always the one fishing for answers and asking HIM.
5. TONIGHT was my biggest frustration. I was invited to a Bonfire that mutual friends of both his and mine were going to be at. The house is about 35 minutes from where he lives. Not bad right? So I thought to invite him if he's interested. That was it's not an awkward situation for him. There will be friends around. So what did he say through text.."That's what you're doing tonight?" my reply "Yes, for a couple of hours" his response" Dam i have to get my car registered, I'm such a big procrastinator" Clearly he was attempting to completely avoid my question! Was I mad? I was livid. Why? Starting with the calls, his lack of reciprocity, and this!???? so I blew up. I basically returned the message in a bitchy, firm, direct, but classy way so if he didn't know that his inderect messages and lack of assertiveness are irritating now he knows.
He replied by saying he is busy and doesn't want to get a pulled over and get a DUI I didn't reply for hours and a few hours later he text me with an apology if he came across as rude to me.
He text me he was going to his neighbors house and he did.
6. He is still text messaging even after we had sex. I thought that perhaps if that was all that he wanted he would stop reaching out to me but he didn't ..and at that time if he would have stopped text messaging me i would feel okay but the fact that he is still reaching out to me is tormenting me in way because i don't know what he wants although i know what i want .

So I am frustrated about ALL of THis.
I like him but I don't want to be strung along. I'm focusing on school however If I am going to date I prefer it to be serious. I'm trying to stay open and positive about it but the frustration that I am experiencing is making it difficult to be that way.
Can any one tell me if I am being too anxious?
Is he a player or does he seem to have genuine motives?
Does any one have any helpful insight as to how to handle this?
Is it worth waiting on his time table ? I don't get it how could he take it so slow and risk me slipping away. Then again it has only been two weeks.
My mind is trying to rationilize this and it's become difficult to make a judgement mainly because I have only seen him twice.
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Reply Wed 1 Jan, 2014 02:53 am
Toward the end of the night of the second time I saw him when we were both alone he leaned in to kiss me and I reciprocated the kiss. He needed a ride home because he had been drinking and so I took him home. Everything was going fine. He didn't make any moves . There was nothing about his body language, behavior, speech etc that was indicative of the "I wanna bang you tonight" type.

Fast forwarding, after I initiated, about 4 hours after lying in bed we had sex that night and it was great!

So that was the last time I saw him Sad

b]He wants to take it slow mainly because he recently got out of a long term relationship[/b]

The best way for me to answer you is to highlight some things that you wrote.

You didn't see any body language that suggested that he just wanted sex, as such you had sex with him, (4hrs) later. You thought he was great in bed, he thought he was crap. He hasn't seen you since but text messages you visa versa.. You get mad and angry because you slept with him but he's not trying to see you again, be with you...

And then .........."He just got out of a long term relationship".

Your both seeking different things. You slept with him whilst he had too much to drink. It was horny, hot, great. But he can't remember, so he down plays it.

He slept with you because of the situation at the time. Before that, he had no inclination he is still in love with his ex. But, he was drunk 4 hrs later, he needed comfort, something, do it, why not attitude.

He has tried to tell you he is hung up on his ex. He has baggage but your thread is pertaining to so, I slept with him, I keep asking him out, we text, what' wrong?

If I was a Mother the first thing I would say is "never" sleep with a guy on the first date, it works sometimes but more than often never. Always find out if they have baggage, if they do, they are not ready, so not relationship material. When you have sex, a woman mostly, automatically sees a relationship, a man doesn't he needs to see her, feel her, laugh with her, get to know her, fall for her. She, falls instantly. (not all) but a lot.

There is a bond with sex and unless you personally are doing it for what the heck why not. It leads to wanting to see that "man" more and when rejection comes into play it hurts.

Read my thoughts and then also see something. You know nothing about him at all. Text messages are flirty, great. For all you know everything could be wrong, sexually, mentally, verbally, you don't know him.

He's not ready to know you.

Don't be so hard on yourself, don't give in so easily "unless all you are after is the moment".. He's there who ever he is and will come around. Don't text this guy or wonder.

It was what it was.

Love yourself
Reply Wed 1 Jan, 2014 10:00 pm
Dear Found Soul,
Thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my message. It was very helpful. Smile
I recognize his need to be alone and take things slow. I truly empathize with his situation especially having the experience my self although I know that every one moves on at their own pace.
I'm a bit confused though. We already sex so it's not like he's working toward getting in my pants. He text me every day Good morning, Good night, as well as messages in between. What is he looking for? He's a decent looking guy. I'm sure with his personality and looks he could easily find a few girls to occupy his time with. It is really bothering me that I don't know understand his motives with me? Truthfully, I have been so frustrated that I want to stop writing him all together I truly do but every time he text me a light switch goes on inside of me and makes it really difficult for me to stop all together.
He's got potential I can tell you that and I think that is why it's been hard for me to ignore him because i see his value.
What are your thoughts given his situation and my feelings?

Reply Thu 2 Jan, 2014 02:30 am
Hi LLL...

Well, I think the chase is over. There is no chase. The kiss was because he felt attracted, animal magnetism, lust. But as you say, you had sex. I think you may confuse yourself with because you had sex and he is still texting "only" not talking to you verbally as you asked for, that means he must like you and he's not after more sex.

But, the thing is. He may very well like you, he may be absolutely lonely, missing the other woman, so he text messages you instead, it makes him feel the same as it used to make him feel, there is someone there. But, I think that because after such a short time, one night stand, you are asking for more, you are asking for phone calls not text messages for instance, he hasn't done that to date . I think because you slept with him quickly, there is no chase, I think that he may be a nice guy as well and doesn't want you to think just because you had sex, he will now ignore you. So you off course over that would get hurt.

The bottom line is. Ask him out for a date, tell him you know his heart is elsewhere see what he says. Tell him that is ok as well.

Failing that, forget him. He won't compromise, he won't call you, he is in a world of his own with baggage and you are wanting a relationship, that "light switch goes on" and because you slept with him you think this one should be ok.

If a man does not acknowledge a ladies wish, why would you want to continue to start with?

As, I said. Love yourself.
Reply Thu 2 Jan, 2014 08:27 am
If things had been reversed, (you a man and him a woman) I would say you took advantage of him when he was drunk and came on WAY too aggressive. You probably overwhelmed him.

You say he is shy. You say he does not like to text. You say he is not outgoing.
Then ACCEPT him like that.

Otherwise, you are going to spend much energy in trying to CHANGE him, and I think he is of a personality type that does not move with pressure applied.

You used him as a sex object and misjudged him in all other areas.

I think you should find a guy more like yourself in terms of temperament.
Reply Sun 5 Jan, 2014 12:58 pm
Dear Found Soul,
Very well said. Turns out that you're right. Smile
A couple days ago he completely stopped messaging me. The following day I asked if he is okay and he never replied. As for me, I learned a couple of lessons here about the dating world. Next time (fun or no fun) I'm loving my self and not having sex right away.
What kind of advice would you give to some one in their mid twenties like my self who wants to be married some day to his/her ideal match?
Reply Sun 5 Jan, 2014 01:02 pm
Dear Punkey,
Yes, I did enjoy sex with him however I wouldn't say that I "used" him. If I used him I wouldn't have invested more time and energy in him. I wouldn't be worried about why he hasn't called me or doesn't initiate a date with me. I am very accepting of different personalities however at the beginning of the dating phase I think it's important to communicate because lack of communication can cause misundertsandings or what not. Did I come off to aggressive for him? I probably did. Sad but I learned a few key lessons the little bit of time we knew each other.
Thanks for your input.
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Reply Sun 5 Jan, 2014 03:10 pm

To love yourself, is not to be up yourself, rather, to be happy within yourself, happy with who you are inside and out. To know where you are heading and feel good about that, your standards, morals, cheekiness Smile What ever is within you. I think that if people just felt that, they wouldn't search, it would simply come across easily and they'd find what they are looking for.

I think people search and settle. You were all prepared to turn this guy into a boyfriend but what do you really know about him? Wink You weren't sure what he was going to do next, it was going to be a 50/50 for you, 50 because you kinda knew and 50 because you were hopeful.

I think personally, we all like the getting to know someone, excited about the next date, sleeping with someone you don't know might be good sex, but you have no idea about them. Going out on a few dates, getting to know them, liking each other, apart from Chemistry having simular ideas, values, goals, morals, passions makes it more exciting in the end, when you do become more intimate. But also, you know the person more, imagine after 2 dates and you find he's a loony? Well, you can walk away. Thinking " Thank God"... Don't sell yourself short, you want sex? Have it, you like the guy and think there is potential? Be assertive not aggressive Punkey gives great advice on a lot of threads, sees it how it is. Assertive means you know what you want.

Don't be in a rush because you are 25 pftttttttt that's still young Smile But you will scare guys off with sex followed by phone me don't text, followed by you are my potential boyfriend I am 25 need to get married one day soon.. Smile They can see it all
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