I don't know how to continue this marriage

This may be some kind of stupid joke. So you are still a virgin after 4 years marriage? And you're ex never had sex with you either?

Thats true. And yes its not a joke.

Right off the bat I think this story is made up. But then anomalies do exist in life. Maybe you should try exploring your sexuality..

"Virgin" may mean she and husband have not had intercourse. There are MANY other sexual activities that constitute "having sex." (contrary to Bill Clinton's viewpoint)

I suspect this is a culturally arranged, loveless marriage.

Surprised it isn't working out?

Maybe but..she really hasn't disclosed enough.

True or false.

In any event. Is your husband short tempered? Or does he satisfy himself because you are a virgin and he's been married to you for 4 years! What is a man to do....

Secondly, so Divorce your now husband, marry the other guy, your ex, and your ex doesn't understand you either once married and tells his ex wife he made a mistake and they get back together but then, you are no longer a virgin.. I am guessing in this scenario and so, you end up alone.

You committed to a marriage, as such, I assume as all normal people do, you commit to bonding, which involves sexual intercourse without bonding, how the heck are you meant to love? You are just friends living under the same roof..

So, if this is true, why have 4 years gone by, yet married and no sex.

Really "waiting" for this answer...

We at a2k don't all live in the U.S.

I realize that it's highly likely you're going to tell me this is impossible, but you should seriously consider counseling. If that is your answer, then at least speak with your physician. Explain that you are unhappy in your marriage and are (apparently) afraid of intercourse. Talk about your husband being short-tempered. Has he struck you? I know that attitudes are changing in India and China and elsewhere, but they sometimes don't change fast enough.

I'm also kind of wondering even how you have an ex, seeing as you are in an arranged marriage. I know that that's not impossible, but consider what you may have needed to do in order to see your ex, and were also unable to refuse to get married or even press your parents to match you with the ex. So how were you able to do one and not the other? It's not making much sense, even given the realities of arranged marriages.

Something here in your story isn't holding water - several things are, truth be told. I'd like to help you, and I suspect that you have issues and you do need it. But your credibility is questionable as this is quite the corner to be boxed into.

Sure...it's the answer we're all waiting to know.

You oft answer from your perspective - which some of us get - but I've just been reading a novel set in Turkey. Your snipsharp take may be hard for a poster to read, and could be discussed within her culture - plus some of our different views if she wants to know.

I'm interested about this person.

I wouldn't necessarily assume that simply by living in the U.S. a person is American or raised here.

Let me explain as you all want me to in detail. This man, my husband is my distant relative. We started knowing each other since we were teenagers. We used to send eachother cards, gifts and occassionally talk on phone. We stayed in different cities. As those were our school days there was no chance that we could meetup. The second time we met was when I was in junior college and he had shifted to my city for higher studies. He was a very decent guy, well mannered, well spoken so I started liking him. Few days later he proposed me and I accepted. I used to think he is the perfect guy for me. Even our families were knowing each other very well.
Now, since he was in my city, we started meeting up, and knowing eachother. As time passed by I realised that he didnt like meeting me in open places at malls, accompanying me for shopping or at resturants. He wanted that we should spend some personal time. We started meeting at my another house where no one stayed. Initially even I liked it and we shared some intimate moments, except intetcourse as I wanted it to happen after our marriage.
After few such meetings he started insisting more and more on this. He didn't wanted to meet me in public at all which, I didn't like. Now, I started feeling that is this the man I should get married to coz whenever we met there were no fruitful talks apart from physical relation. There were also only limited talks on phone between us. I felt as if he is interested in me only physically.
After completing his management course he was working by now. Now, I completely avoided meeting him at my another house as mentioned earlier. And I told him I am not happy with the way our relationship is turning. His behaviour raised doubts in me over carrying our relationship further.
This time I met another guy who was very intelligent, hardworking, responsible. We became very good friends. He shared all his ambitions, dreams with me and so did I. He was very inspiring and had been there whenever I needed him the most.
I actually started liking him and couldn't understand when I was deeply in love with him.
By this time even I had bagged a placement from my college. And this second man was selected in defence at a good position. But I never told him that I love him coz I was already committed. Soon, this second man was away for his training for few months. But we were in touch on phone. Through his busy schedule he used to find time to talk to me.
After few months he returned from his training and proposed me I told him that even I love him a lot but already committed to someone else.
Soon, the first man told me da his parents were in the city and they thought of meeting my parents and finalising a date for our marriage. I was shocked hearing this coz knowing his behaviour I didn't wanted to marry him. Also, how could I say 'no' to him. I had already promised him and we were together since we were teens.
Soon our engagement was fixed at his city. I didn't inform the second man about it. I was in deep pain and didn't wanted to take this forward but since our families were involved and I was committed, there was hardly that I could do anything about it. I didn't wanted to hurt anyone.
When i returned back to my city, a day or two later the second man came to know that I got engaged and that the wedding date was also fixed.
He cried to me and convinced me that why do i want to marry someone else when I loved him so much. He assured me that he ll take the responsibility of talking to my parents and his (first man's) parents. I told him its too late now.. He begged to me that I should not go for this marriage. Also, me knowing that we both love eachother so much I didn't listen to him.
I got married to my teenaged-love . After marriage somehow I got involved physically but I always made excuses for having intercourse. I pursued MBA after my marriage and continued giving excuses that we can't go any further as i have my studies. That's coz, I always had this second man's thoughts, the way he had convinced me with tears in his eyes is something I can't forget my entire life.
Also my husband is short tempered he gets upset over trivial things which can be easily resolved. And dosen't talk me at all for 5-6 days. Initially I used to beg to him and make him understand that things can be resolved over discussions but all in vain. But he is very honest and I trust and respect him a lot.
Its been four yrs for my marriage and i am not able to get over him(second man). Whenever my husband comes closer I feel that how can I make love to someone I dont love and that is the reason I am still virgin. I recently met that (second) man after five yrs. He is married now. He says his wife dosen't understand him. She is against him as he supports his parents financially.
He still loves me a lot and insisted that we should atleast marry now.

Only you know honestly, deep down in your soul, within your heart "love".

Holding back sexual relations with your husband for 4 years, I do not understand why he isn't deeply offended, hurt, up-set, worried.. But, it's not fair to him..

Holding back sexual relations with your husband because secretly you love another and always have and are holding that back, emotionally, has to hurt you and you are living with this day in and day out.

If this man is not happy with his wife, he must leave, if he truly does not love her.

If you are not happy with your husband, no love, you must leave if you truly do not love him.

My suggestion would be to then "continue" to slowly get to know each other, be sure, 100% that it is not more so a fantasy of love. Also, as not to hurt others. You've waited 4 years, another year both separated and getting to know each other more can't hurt.

It is a normal expectation in a marriage to expect sexual relations..particularly intercourse( as it is the most intimate ). Has he ever asked why this is not happening ? What have you replied? You say you don't want to hurt anyone but subjecting an individual to a loveless and sexless marriage is quite cruel in my view. Maybe he is short tempered due to his frustration of realizing he didn't get what he hoped for. I think withholding information is the same as lying. I believe you've spent 4 years in this situation and you should tell the truth.

Your husband is MISERABLE and so are you.

End this marriage and be on your own for a while before you jump into another relationship.