The reason I choose HKU

Here's my last rewrite

My name is Jeffry and I am an Indonesian. I have always been interested in the business world. I am choosing Hong Kong to further my study because my family has a business here. Since (I was young) young, I always loved to help my parents manage the workers on our company and help them do their business. I wish to study business and management to a degree level (specify degree level. In the US, it would be achelor's or Masters Degree) as I feel the skills and knowledge I will gain will prepare me for a wide range of careers. Taking a business degree at university will give me an opportunity to develop further my knowledge in business studies, maths (I would use comma after maths) and economics which I have enjoyed studying since high school.

When I was in Junior High School, I followed my parents when they are doing business with customers. I learned a lot of things from my parents such as the communication skills and how they are selling the products. Which ("That has been", instead of "Which") good for me because from there, I have known the basic of communications, business and marketing in practical way. And (delete the word "And") when I was in Senior High School, my parents opened up a cafe. From there, I have learnt (learned) how to manage employees from the manager whom my parents hired to manage the cafe, so that they can still concentrate on their business.

After I finished my Senior High School, I chose to go to Malaysia to further my study. I chose to go for the "Diploma in Illustration with Entertainment Art" major because it was my passion and hobby since childhood. I have been living in Malaysia for around 2 years, studying at The One Academy of Communication Design, which is Malaysia (use 's to indicate the possesive) well known art's college. In here (state where, like in the One Academy), there are a lot of foreigners, and english (always capitalize countries and languages) is our main language. It has been our daily routine to speak english both in and out of the classroom. This year (add comma after year) which is my second year in my (delete "my") college, I learned about how to advertise a product and known a basic (change to "know the basics) of advertising strategy which will be very useful for my future careers. (career - not careers)

In addition to my studies, I have organized my time so that I can have a part-time job. I worked on (in, not on) a sushi restaurant knows as "Sushi Zanmai" as a waiter, since my parents taught me these words "If you want to be a leader, you have to start from the bottom. So that you can understand, what is the feeling (change to "how it feels) to be an employee. And you will know how to manage employees better from your personal experience." From here, I have developed my communication skills through serving the guests directly and learned more hospitality skills. Now I know how to be hospitable with the guest.

I feel the 2 (spell out two for this kind of writing) most important points I have learned so far from my current studies. First, it is the will (delete "the will) to never give up. In art college, almost all of the students are very competitive and it has been my goal to always give my best for my works (delete "for my works). Second, being able to finish my work ahead of the deadlines and handle pressures of the assignments that we had in art college is a lot (change "is a lot" to " are difficult) , and the lecturers never decrease the amount of the assignments.

Time moves fast, and now it is almost the time that (Change "that" to "to) I think about what is best for my own and my family's future. Now, my parents are encouraging me to further my study in business. Although, (delete the comma) I did mention Illustration art is my hobby and passion since I was young. (Delete the period and use the word "and".) I really had a lot of fun since the first day I joined The One Academy. (Delete comma and lower case But) But I could not neglect that business is also one of the most important thing in my life. That could help me to expand my family's current business. And (Delete "And") it is almost time that my parents need my hands to help them manage their business. Therefore, I chose to withdraw from The One Academy and start looking for a competent University in Hong Kong.

I am a perfectionist and am very determined to learn new things. My hobbies are playing futsal (Are you sure "futsal" is a word?) and swimming. I also like to watch movies and read inspirational books. I sing in a choir in Malaysia (bass) and the conductor has encouraged my interest in music and suggested that I participate in choral work in Hong Kong.

I am now looking for an opportunity to further my knowledge in business programs and career progression by enrolling with a reputable university on a business management degree course. I am willing (change to "I am eager) to know more about the business techniques and strategies it is (change to "whether in practice or theory") practical or theory. After viewing many different universities I have come to a conclusion that "Hong Kong University" is the best option for me. What's more IBGM course in Hong Kong University is very unique compares (Change to "compared) to other courses that is offered in other universities. With all these skills that I have gained from my parents, school, personal experiences, family and friends, I am now ready to compete with other participants who are taking this course. I aim (Change "aim" to ("plan") to put all the best into the course, and I really hope that you will look favorably upon my application.