Quite good for a student but still obvious that you are not a native speaker. Hope this helps:
[get rid of stuff in red]
This is my personal statement to HKU, Is
Are my grammar and the using
use of words correct? a
Any comments or feedback are welcome!
My name is Jeffry and I am an Indonesian. From an early age I have always been interested in the business world. I choose Hongkong to further my study because my family has a business in
here and Hongkong has a high comparative advantage in the field of business and economics. I noticed how
that Hong Kong was developing into a culturally integrated community. In the streets, I could see a lot of diversities
divserse people from other nations talking, sharing, and connecting.
youth, I had liked to
have enjoyed managing people and doing a little bit of
business. I wish to study business and management to degree level as I feel the skills and knowledge I will gain will prepare me for a wide range of careers. Taking a business degree at university will give me an opportunity to develop further my knowledge either it is
in business studies, maths and
or economics, which I have enjoyed studying since high school.
When I was in Junior High School, I have been going
went to the field with my parents when they are doing business with customers. I learn
learned a lot of stuff
things from my parents, such as the
communication skills and how they are selling
to sell the products. Which
This is good for me because I have known the basic
basics of communications, business, and marketing in a practical way.
As well as my current studies, I have organized my time so that I can have a part-time job. I worked on
in sushi restaurants for a couple of months and have developed my communication skills through working with the public. In there I learnt
learned about hospitality and I know how to being hospitable with the guest and the host. This year which is my second year in my college I gained knowledge to advertise a product and known a basic
in advertising products and in the basics of advertising strategy, which will be very useful for my future careers.
[Be aware of the difference between 'which' and that'. If a person would pause for an instant in speaking, then you use a comma and then the word 'which' as I have done towards the end of your sentence above. If a person would not pause in speaking, then you use the word 'that' ]
I feel the 2 most important points I learnt
have learned so far from my current studies, is
are firstly the will to never give up. In art college, almost all of the students are very competitive and it has been my goal to always give my best for my works. Secondly being able to work to deadlines and handle pressure, the assignments that we have in art collage is a lot and they never lesser the amount for our homework's.
[Here's how I would write this:]
I feel the two most important things I've learned from my present studies are, first, the will to never give up and, second, the ability to handle pressure and work to deadlines. In art college, almost all of the students are very competitive and it has been my goal to always give my best for my works. Likewise, the assignments that we have in art collage is a lot
represent a good deal of work, and they never lesser
lessen the amount for our homework's.
[What happened was that you ended up with an idea which should have been in one sentence being broken up unnaturally by inserting ideas which should have had their own sentence.]
I am a perfectionist person
very determined to learn new things. My hobbies are to
playing futsal and swimming. I also like to watching
movies and read inspirational books. What about me are I have a bass sound which I found it earlier when I joined the choir of my church in Malaysia. And the conductor say to me that my sounds are very good and I should join some choirs in Hongkong.
I sing in a choir in Malaysia (bass) and the conductor has encouraged my interest in music and suggested that I participate in choral work in Hong Kong.
I am now looking for an opportunity to further my knowledge in a
business program and career progression by enrolling with a reputable university on a business management degree course. I am willing to know more about the business techniques and strategies either it is practical
in practice or theory. After viewing many different universities I have come to a
the conclusion that your university is the best option for me. What's more, the
IBGM course in HKU is very unique compares
in comparison to other
in comparison to courses that has
in other universities and I am ready to compete with other participants who are taking this courses
. I aim to put as much into the course as I get out, and I indeed much
hope that you will look favorably upon my application.