Why wont my boyfriend have sex with me?

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Ive been with my boyfriend now for 3 years. i cant even remember the last time we had sex. i have tried everything that he has asked to make it so he will have sex with me and he still wont. i dont understand what i am doing wrong. he watches porn and it hurts my feelings because i feel like he is cheating on me with the girls that he is watching. i dont understand what they can do and i cant. ive tried and tried talking to him again and again and a different excuse comes up every time. now when i talk to him about he gets mad at me and walks away i seriously feel like we have been married for 35 years and he has no interest in me anymore. he wont kiss or hug me anymore unless he is saying good bye. i seriously am falling apart over this because i love him so much. but i cant stay with someone who wont give me the attention i need. i have no intentions on cheating on him because i love him. but i am starting to consider leaving him over it. but he as me feeling so low about myself that im afraid if i did leave him i would never find anyone else. anyways i just need some advice on this because i have no to talk to and i have no idea what to do thanks.

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Type: Question • Score: 5 • Views: 1,060 • Replies: 11

View best answer, chosen by brittlc

Geez - even in the Catholic church, this would be reason for divorce.

Has he had a physical lately? Is he depressed? Job change? Having an outside affair?

You need to know this will NOT get better until he gets some help.

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@brittlc,

I'm guessing that you two live together and that you are paying for most of the bills.

True?

If so, it is time for you to wake up and see it for what it is. You are being used. Decide if it is worth it to you for it to continue. If not, do something about it. You could write up a rental agreement for him to sign that delineates the financial aspects each of you are responsible and what happens when they are not met.

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You love him? I'm not sure you actually know him past the surface day to day stuff. I'd look hard at what you are meaning by the word love.

I don't say this to be mean, most people question that at some point in their lives, sometimes more than once.

You are afraid no one else will care for you? First, do you care for you?
I think you need to stop considering him your boyfriend, but that's up to you.

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@brittlc,

Quote:

i have no intentions on cheating on him because i love him. but i am starting to consider leaving him over it. but he as me feeling so low about myself that im afraid if i did leave him i would never find anyone else. anyways

There seems to be general consensus from the people responding that this relationship is basically over. I won't pile on (especially since I am not sure this is helpful).

What jumps out at me is the issue of self-esteem.

I want to comment that I don't think it is healthy to blame someone else for your self-esteem. You are responsible for your own self-esteem). You also imply that it is a boyfriend's responsibility to give you the "attention you need". I am not sure that this need is part of a healthy relationship.

Self-esteem is important. I think that whether you stay in this relationship or leave, finding self-esteem outside of the relationship would be a very good thing. In my experience, depending on a relationship for self-esteem always leads to problems.

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@PUNKEY,

NO he hasn't had a physical lately i don't think he has ever got one. I wouldn't know if he was depressed because he wont open up to me and talk to me ever. Im seriously thinking that he is having an affair because i don't understand. I've asked him about it and he says no. i told him i would rather just end things if he is cheating on me then keep things going the way they are and he still says nothing is going on. its so hard because i have no idea what to do.

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@maxdancona,

I only blame him because i feel like he has told me and treated me in the past horribly telling very rude things. Personally I think it is a partners job to give you somewhat good attention. My boyfriend doesnt ever care to pay any attention to me. I feel even more stupid for staying with him when i talk about it, but a part of me doesnt want to leave him

2 Replies

@brittlc,

Sorry to just say this, but HELLO!!

I agree with all who commented that you are lacking in self esteem and need to get some of that soon.

why are you toenailed to an idiot? You need to work on that, self regard.

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I'll add this and it will sound mean, but he doesn't want to have sex with you.

You need to deal with this, why are you working him up as your boyfriend.

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@ossobuco,

I'll add, are you afraid of being alone? willing to stick to anyone instead of being alone?

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Let's see… you have been with this guy for 3 years, he won't talk to you, won't touch you, watches porn… he doesn't seem to care for you too much.

I think you would be happier on your own, or maybe not happier, but at least not putting up with the inattention.

I know a woman who went through this. Hadn't had sex with her husband for 3+ years and went to counselling with him once a week that whole time. He left for a trip with a buddy for 10 days and patted her on the back like she was a dog before he left (no kiss or hug). She just left him in September and feels much better.

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@brittlc,

Very sad situation Britt.

Quote:

but a part of me doesnt want to leave him

Maybe you're shrouding this feeling in nobility or faithfulness but it's really your fear of being alone and unwanted.

Many times posters come here blaming their spouses, when the problem lies within themselves.
You'll never change him and his emotional problems but you can do something about your lack of self-esteem.
Leave him and his emotional abuse and start making yourself a whole person again.
Eventually no partner will be allowed to drag you down.

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Why wont my boyfriend have sex with me?

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