Is this an appropriate gift? And should he be obligated to display it?

Be aware that many of us are direct with our advice.

My advice: butt out on the picture 'cause that's his business. Try to focus your energy or concern on how they behave in front of your children. Forget about such superficial matters such as pictures...unless she/he has no clothes on in the picture.

The key word here is ex-husband. This woman isn't your concern.

I don't think you are in a position to judge his relationship with your shared children. You don't have the power to force him, do you? I am assuming that your ex-husband wants this new relationship and that he is also wants to stay connected to his children.

And... it is best for children of divorce when the parents work together to raise them as well as possible. Hopefully you both try to listen to each other on these things, and you may want to say something in a respectful way (acknowledging that his relationship with the children is his business). If my ex-wife brought this up, I would listen to what she was saying if I felt it was a sincere concern for our children. Of course, I may not agree, or I may agree to go along with my ex-wife if it wasn't too inconvenient.

Honestly to me, this picture seems like an awfully minor offense (if it is even an offense). The children have to deal with the divorce, and eventually you both will have new relationships. The kids will be ok.

I would let it go.

YES it's inappropriate, especially if the children are young.

But then again, it really is not your business.

If the children ask, just say that she's daddy's new friend and they were playing around.

This won't be the first time you will have to bite your tongue about his behavior. Be the bigger person.

It is good to get objective opinions from others who aren't so close to the situation. So I appreciate your point of view.

I don't think this is really the thing that has me dislike her so much. Our daughter's Bat Mitzvah was this past Saturday. About 3 weeks ago I had planned to take my daughter dress shopping for the dress for the ceremony and the dress for the party. Much to my dismay my daughter came home with 2 dresses that she had bought with his new girlfriend of about 3 weeks at the time. This is similiar to buying her wedding dress for her instead of having her mother buy it with her. For the rest of my life in all of the pictures and videos (which we paid for professional videographer and photographer) I will see 2 dresses that I did not get to help my daughter select for the biggest day of her life so far. Both dresses were not right, the ceremony dress was way too short for the Temple and the party dress was strapless and long, and when she tried it on for me she kept stepping on the bottom of the dress pulling down the front of the dress revealing her bra. However my daughter had fallen in love with the dresses. So I took the long dress in and had it shortened so she wouldn't step on it. I practiced with her so she could sit properly on the bima without showing her underwear. I would think most respectful women would have said, "Your mother should do this with you, not me." And to top it off she told my daughter to get a bra for it at Victoria Secrets, because the back of the dress for the Temple was so low a regular bra would have been seen. Telling a 13 year old girl to shop at Victoria Secrets? And the first time I met her was at the Friday evening service, which is generally for family, I had never met this woman before. In our very first conversation she said somthing very negative about my ex-mother in law, in front of both of the kids. I quickly changed the subject and said, "Let's talk about something nice." She seems to have little respect for family.

I have an excellent relationship with my ex-husband we talk about everything for the kids together. I also sang at his first ex-wife's wedding, I am great friends with my step-son's mother.

She gave the picture to my ex-husband on the first night of Hanukkah in front of my ex-in laws and the kids. My ex-mother in law called me as soon as they left telling me, they were making out in front of the kids several times during the evening, tongue and all.

I want my ex-husband to find happiness and I would love him to be with a nice woman and I would be happy to create the kind of relationship I have with his first ex-wife. Even if she didn't want that kind of relationship, I would give them my full support, I don't see that happening with his woman.

She made no effort at all to me nice to me, she never came near me at any of the events. My ex-husband acknowledge he shouldn't have brought her to this family event I have been planning for 2 years.

I think the picture sent me over the cliff!

Your husband needs to reign his new love in, but don't count on it. Her buying 2 dresses for your daughter's celebration was inappropriate. However, your ex-husband should have intervened and told her to back off. Sounds like he is a passive man.

I'd stay clear of the entire wacky bunch and have a relationship with your own children only.

I think he needs to rein it in.

Whose front room is it? Yours or his?
Whose home is it? Yours or his?

This is your EX-husband, and unless this girl was kissing him on his ass check, I don't know how a picture like that could be offensive.

6 weeks?
You don't think that's enough time for 2 people to develope strong feelings for each other?
Even if you don't think it is, that's something for you to handle in your relationships, not his

Sure. I will give my opinion with the disclaimer that is very difficult to give a valid opinion after only hearing one side (of course that didn't stop me the first time.

Let's separate the events you have told us so far.

1. In my opinion (based only on what you have told us) buying a Bat Mitzvah dress for your daughter was very inappropriate. I would be upset if that happened to me. I make it clear to my ex, and to any relationship that my daughter has a perfectly good mother and a perfectly good father and no relationship will change this.

For this new relationship to step into your role was completely inappropriate, and for your ex-husband to allow it was very disrespectful and hurtful.

If this happened to me, I think I would ignore the girlfriend. You have no relationship with her (nor should you) and any interaction with her is meaningless.

I think you should take it up with your ex. He should never have allowed his to happen, and as you are co-parenting, you should tell him how hurtful this was. If this were me, I think I would also talk to my daughter... not in an attacking way. But to explain to this that "this hurt my feelings" I think is appropriate.

2. You already know my opinion of the picture. I think it is very minor (especially compared to the Bat Mitzvah issue). The difference is that the picture relates to your ex-husband's relationship with this woman. It has very little to do with the children.

3. I don't see the big deal about a bra from Victoria's Secret. But then I am a man and my daughter is younger than that. It seems to me that a bra is a bra (but what do I know).

4. I would be horrified if my mother were telling my ex-wife things. I think you should end this relationship with his mother.

5. I have know way to judge the fact they were kissing in front of the kids. It depends completely on the nature and quantity of the kisses and how much the kids were really exposed. You weren't there and you were getting information from someone who may have a motive of causing a scandal. Again, I think you should stop talking to his mother.

6. A new relationship has no responsibility to be nice to the ex-wife. I think often this is a cold (if not hostile) relationship (although I know of exceptions). Your ex-husband has the responsibility to treat you with respect and work together with you to raise your children. This woman doesn't.

I also don't think you have any responsibility to treat this woman well.

Unfortunately that's all the opinions I have right now.

When I first started dating my now ex-husband he had been divorced for almost 5 years. His first ex-wife and him fought like cats and dogs, it was awful for their child and me to be around it. I told him after about 3 months of putting up with this, "You'd better honor the mother of your child or I will have nothing to do you with." She gave him a child he should treat her well and we did, we had a great relationship with her and after she married again her new husband. I would like to be on good terms with a new woman in his life, as she will have influence on my children. Also, When I first met the mother-in-law we stayed at his parents timeshare with them, for 4 days, at the end of the time, she welcomed me to the family and was so happy for her grandchild and I was great for her son. I was shocked to hear her be so upset about this womans behavior, it was totally unexpected.

None of this nonsense matters, my daughter had a great time all weekend, I had a great time, it would have been a very different good time, but I had fun and made the most of it. I will have to be as generous and kind to this woman as I can be, I will have to forgive where I think she has done me wrong, because in the end I want for my kids to be happy and my ex-husband to find the love of his life. He says I was the love of his life, but he wasn't mine, so I want someone to give that to him. And since she is so very different than me, maybe she is it! I will bring peace to this not because she deserves it, but my family deserves it.

We bought the house together 14 years ago. I didnt fight for it, because my step-son lives there too and I want him to stay in his childhood home with his father, not be uprooted. Many of my things are still in the home, we are changing that real soon. So she put her new picture, under the silk flowers from our wedding............that's funny! I'm going to just let all the crap go, I don't want to be married to him, so he gets to find someone else. I do want him to be happy and I would really like him to be with a nice woman, he gets to say. She is a bleach blonde, fake boobs, biker looking chick that hasn't smiled at me once. And I have friends just like that, that I totally love, she just rubbed me wrong from the start, so I'll have to forget it and move on. So I'll be the bigger person and create peace in the family for the sake of my kids and my ex-husband. It's probably good to express this here instead of when I meet her!!

Victoria secrets is the image of SEX and Sexy bra's and underwear. When your daughters start developing and she wants to wear low cut or sexy stuff, because all the girls do, you will totally understand. Unless you are okay with your daughter looking like a hooker.

It could even gain legendary status.

This is completely up to your ex-husband. Unless she is asking him to display a naked picture of herself or something that crosses the line of inappropriateness for children, it is really up to him if it is too soon or not.

Unfortunately since you are divorced, you cannot control what he feels is ok. too soon, etc. Unless something is really harmful to your children, I would leave it alone. There will be issues much bigger than a picture of her kissing on his cheek. Seems pretty mild. Bascially choose your battles.

sorry I had not read this comment before posting - you did not state this in your initial posting. You should sit down with your ex-husband and discuss what is appropriate and not appropriate. This girlfriend whether she wants to reach out to you or whether you like her isn't the issue. The big issue is you do not approve and feel certain things are inappropriate. Discuss with him and come to a mutual decision. He needs to speak to his girlfriend.

And you both need to come to a mutual decision for the best of your children.

I do agree with you - 13 is young for VS. The girlfriend is probably trying to bond with your daughter and hasn't got a clue what is appropriate - I think your hubby needs to help in this. You could also discuss with your daughter of what is appropriate at her age and what is not. Don't talk badly about your ex or his girlfriend - simply tell her what is appropriate and not and why. Then explain your ex's gf doesn't have children so she may not realize - maybe being a responsible 13 year old, if she does suggest something that isn't appropriate your daughter should explain that.

I agree completely with Linkat.

Speaking as an ex-husband, I would like to emphasize the mutual decision part. If you explain your feelings respectfully and are prepared to give in a little on things he feels is important too, you can hopefully reach an agreement that you both can agree on.

I recommend that you focus on what your needs are and the needs of your children, as well as acknowledging the needs of your ex. I recommend you avoid talking about past issues, feelings or things that don't matter.

Agree with most of the advice and comments. The photo - I wouldn't care. The dress - I would. I would have told my daughter that WE will choose the dress, since you'd been planning this for 2 yrs and you had wanted to buy it. She could do something with the other two. But, it's all over now, so that's irrelevant.

I also agree that you should talk about appropriate behaviours with your ex, ie. it's the mother's job to buy the dress not the new g/f.

Sounds to me as though the new woman is trying to press your buttons.

She cannot succeed without your help.

You are giving the help.

Either continue to do so...or stop. In any case, your kids are not going to be needing psychiatric help because their father kisses another woman.

it really is not your business.
move on with your life

I have a wife (of 20 years) and an ex-wife. They have no relationship. I can't imagine that balancing act. I feel sorry for your ex. But again, he got himself in that position.