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Mon 18 Nov, 2013 01:19 am
I was in an unhappy relationship when I met him. A little background on my last relationship: I used to be an emotional abuser myself. I was afraid of being alone and that's why I chose to be with my ex. After I became more emotionally independent, I tried harder to make our relationship work to no avail, to the point that we were sick of each other and were in the process of breaking up. That's when I met this guy.
At first, I enjoyed talking to him because he boosted my self-esteem. He was extremely nice to me. I started to fall in love with him. We saw each other a few times during which we had a lot of fun. I was emotionally unavailable, to be honest, at the time and was unconsciously releasing emotional baggage from my last relationship on him. He never admitted that we were dating, never communicated well and he doesn't like talking about his feelings. He tried to help me but also hurt me intentionally. He would disappear and then show up, caught me by surprise. He stalks me on Facebook, checking out everything in the history of my profile. Then, he became completely non-responsive to my invitations for any further dates.
I think I was a little addicted to the chemistry. I also saw myself in him like how emotionally unstable he was and obsessive and our dates were completely weird which was a little intriguing. I got annoyed at him many times, but I just couldn't stop myself from being nice to him till the end.
My question now is, I am recovering from my emotional dependency and preparing to get ready for my Mr. Right, but I feel bad about leaving him behind, especially I'm so afraid to see him fall apart when I leave him, coz whenever I deactivated my Facebook account, he would break down completely and it is very hard for me to see that because I could feel his pain.
Dating him has definitely made me grow A LOT. I have become emotionally independent. I now live in a bachelor suite happily with my cat. I cook for myself, on top of my bills, starting to save every month and am closer to my families. I do a great job at work and I'm starting to like the idea of finding a person to settle down and build a family with. He broke my heart completely and even though I did feel like he is the one because we are very similar and have great chemistry, I feel emotionally drained and feel like it is stopping me from becoming a positive person. At the same time, I was afraid, what if he was the one and I'm screwing up our chance to be together if I go and look for a new person? I don't want to hurt my partner by going out and looking for someone else just when something is not working out in a relationship.
Sorry for the long post! lol Thanks for reading and your help in advance!
@musiccabin,
One useful way to think your thoughts through, is to write them down on paper and see how it reads. It seems that is exactly what you have done here.
My reply to your question is yes. There is certainly no Mr. Right being described here. Your fear that you might let your best shot at romance slip away is clearly based in what you yourself call "emotional dependency". It sounds like you have a very poor self-image, and you question if this bum is the best you can do. Take your newly found emotional independence to the next level and don't look back. Be as out-going and receptive as much as your courage allows; help Mr. Right find you. Select, don't settle. - Good luck!
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http://able2know.org/reply/post-5497978
@musiccabin,
What kind of answer do you owe this guy? Tell him you will date him - casually - and that you are not ready to settle down with one guy, as there is a lot you need to do to become secure with yourself. (that means: become more mature) Then do that.
Don't give guys mixed messages. (Your post was difficult to follow because your actions don't match what you say. You push and pull. Say what you mean and mean what you say.)
@musiccabin,
Why do you think you must be dependent on someone else, searching for someone who will work out?
I think you need more time to get used to yourself. Have you no interests? I don't meant that to be insulting, just a question.
You may or may not meet someone, or more than one someones, in the process of all that.
@Jack of Hearts,
you answer sounds the most right to me, to be honest. i actually shocked myself too after reading what i wrote out because when i think about him, i still have feelings and so on, but when i think of what i wrote, it is entirely different! the thought of leaving him gives me freedom - indeed like you said, the only fear i have is that what if he's the one? lol
i used to have a very poor self-image although after he broke my heart and i started this new job, i have become much better, although i do think in terms of relationship, my self-image is probably still low.
thank you for your encouragement and inspiration! i think i need to slowly get out of this "relationship" and recover from my heart-break and find my mr. right when i'm ready, whenever that is.
cheers!
@ossobuco,
i do have interests, but you raise a good point, because i'm not practicing all of them, i.e. living the life to the fullest. to be honest, i don't think i'm completely ready for "the one" yet, and my only goal for dating is marriage.
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