When do I give up on waiting for him to commit to more?

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Situation: I'm going to be 27 next month, my boyfriend Is a day older then I am so he will be 27 next month also). We have been dating for five years this April. I love him very much and do believe he loves me too. We do not live together nor are we engaged. He is only my second real boyfriend and I am his first serious relationship. He works 6 days a week, night work with 10 hour days. He's a GM at a night club. He's had this job since the beginning of our relationship so it's not an issue for me but I am starting to get lonely without him. He's not only the love if my life but he's also my best friend which makes it much harder to think About life beyond him. He has made it very clear that he is not in a rush to get married or start a family and in the beginning I wasn't either but like I said its gonna be 5 years in April and if he isn't ever going to commit to a next step I don't think I'm ok with the idea of being a girlfriend for the rest of my life!

Question: I love him with all my heart and he is my best friend but how long is too long to be stuck in a relationship that isn't going anywhere ? And is that what it is? Will he ever be ready to move out if his parents basement and start a life with me? Will he ever ask me to be his bride? How long is too long and is it even an option to give up and walk away to a man I love so much?? ???

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Type: Question • Score: 8 • Views: 2,178 • Replies: 7

@Har722,

I've managed bars...and I can tell you that the work is NOT conducive to the kinds of relationships you seem to be looking for.

Giving up on a relationship is not easy...and I am not suggesting that you do that. But your comments indicate that he is not going to change his employment...and your comments also indicate what I would expect of such employment...so, unless you can live with this kind of situation, termination of the relationship is the only real answer.

SOME PEOPLE can live with this. You have to decide on whether or not you are one of those people. If the answer comes up "no"...there really is no question anymore.

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@Har722,

My wife and I dated steadily for two years before we decided to get married. After 2 years I think two people should know whether they want to spend the rest of their lives together. I cannot imagine dating 5 years without making a commitment. Unless of course he just does not want to make that commitment. Have you talked to him about this? There is nothing wrong in this day and age with you bringing up the subject of marriage. Explain to him that you do desire to get married and ask his thoughts on that subject. Once you know his thoughts on the subject of marriage and where he wants your relationship to go, then you will have enough data to determine if you are wasting your time with him. Only you can decide how long is too long to wait.

One thing the sends alarms off in my head is that you say he is nearly 27, seems to have a good job, and is still living in his parent's basement. Maybe there is more to his financial situation than I am aware, but I couldn't wait to get out of my parent's home. I left 6 months prior to my wedding even though they urged me to stay until the wedding in order to save more money. (And that was 6 months after I graduated college. Saved enough money to get out and did.)

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I think you've put in your time already. It's time to have ... the talk.

It doesn't have to be accusatory. It's just, it's been 5 years. Where is this going?

And find out what the deal is. Lay the cards on the table. Not as an ultimatum but just, I want to be married, etc. And make it clear, also, that if he continues working the way he does, and you have children, then he's likely not going to be in their lives. His working situation is absolutely consistent with you being, more or less, the sole parent. Is that what you want?

And, even if you never have children, you will likely find yourself in charge of all of the basic household stuff. This means not just cleaning and laundry and cooking. It means mortgage and tax payments, waiting around for the plumber, deciding on the new wallpaper and entertaining your parents if they visit. If you want to continue holding a job outside the home, you are also going to be holding, essentially, a full-time job within the home as well. Even if you get a maid, an accountant, a babysitter, etc. there are still going to be things that you, and only you, are saddled with, if he's busy working 6-day weeks (and probably taking the 7th day to sleep and relax and otherwise not work).

Also, a piece of advice - if you go, go early, and go soon. Because finding another guy only gets harder, the older and more set in your ways you are.

Best of luck to you.

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@jespah,

Putting it mildly...the majority of times...I agree with your advice. This time I agree completely and consider this advice in the 'Top 10'.

This OP adds up to one hell of an emotional issue. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. There's no clear answer...but what you stated does present a solution clearly and with diplomacy.

Har722:
My sympathies go out to you. At aged 27, your fiancé has to eventually make his mind up. You both have time on your side if you both had to be single again because of a breakup.

There's only one you and love like what you two have is very hard to find. Good jobs come along from time to time if you're motivated to find one and stick to it. Being dedicated to your passion professionally is admirable but not at the expense of marital or committed love relationship happiness.

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@Har722,

Har, you don't say what Industry you work in, curious because you also state you are lonely.

Lonliness comes from not being happy with your own company, being around family, friends, hobbies, gym, things. "Missing him" as he does not live with you and you rarely see him, is a different story than being lonely.

I worked in Management in Restaurants for 17 years, hard to get out of once there, a shirt load of responsibilities but also a lot of interaction with a lot of people and usually late nights as you try to unwind with staff, or locals.

It's a completely different life and you don't get much time to feel "lonely". But you don't get much chance to enjoy a proper relationship either.

If he is 27 and a GM, he will not let that go, that's a good position, rewarding financially and an important job. Even if he moved in with you, you will rarely see him unless you are in the same industry and make it a point of being there at the end of work, on-going.

I think the question really is, regardless of who lives where, is can you live with someone who will spend all of his life in the Hospitality Industry?

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He's 27 and lives in his parent's basement and works nights in a bar setting, AND says he's in no hurry to even commit to getting married?

Kiddo - alarm bells should be going off in your head.

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@Har722,

He's the only person who can answer the questions you pose. If you love each other, then you ought to be able to talk freely about any subject, particularly one as important as this - your future together.

Five years is a long time - he may, indeed, love you, but feel that you are prepared to accept your relationship the way it is. Let's face it, he has a long-term girlfriend and no commitments - some might say he's in bachelor heaven! You need to sit down and talk seriously about what YOU want from him - marriage and children. No use putting it off any longer. Be honest and tell him you have changed your mind - if that's what's happened - and be forthright about what you want if you are to continue in your relationship.

Your biological clock seems to be ticking already - you are young enough to find someone else and start again, remind him of this if he demurs! Let's face it, he might be glad that you have broached the subject - you'll never know unless you ask him!

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When do I give up on waiting for him to commit to more?

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