Confusion over relationships I see around me

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Hi guys, I'm a 25 year old female without a boyfriend and all I see are people around me happy and in relationships. they seem to have it all together and I don't even have a boyfriend. Is life really perfect for them? Does happiness only come when you have a boyfriend? Also I see people my age in 5 or 6 year relationships and they also look perfect to me and I'm envious of the girls who have these relationships. I'm envious because these girls seem to have it all and they have someone who loves them no matter what they go through. I don't get how they got the man of their dreams and kept him. I don't get how relationships fall into their lap. I know what type of guy I want and I'm not willing to settle but sometimes I wonder if I should. They just all look so perfect and have someone, constant companionship, someone to travel with, do stuff with and talk with...but one thing does confuse me...if they are so in love like I think they are then why doesnt their boyfriend propose and marry them? instead they ask their girlfriend to move in with them...I don't get it but all I know is I could never move in with a guy and pretend to be his wife....it would not be me and would go against everything I stand for. I feel like I'm going to be alone my whole life. Anyways, can people give me some insight into how I'm viewing these couples I would greatly appreciate it. I especially want to hear from you men out there, especially the ones around my age and even in their 30s..I want to know how you view things and your girlfriends. would you say you are in love with these girlfriends of 5+ years or you just like them? My parents, older brother and other adults tell me these guys do not love their girlfriends and are just using them for sex..they also tell me that most of these guys will not marry these girls but that can't be true...these guys must love them cause why else would they stay in the relationship? Is the relationship not as picture perfect as I'm seeing it when I look at them? I guess I'm just really confused and see couples in 5 or 6 year relationships as having it all. I want to believe my family and other adults in my life because they have more life experience but their advice doesn't seem right but then again what they say often comes to fruition. I do know one guy who was in a 5 year relationship and broke it off with the girl...I asked him if he loved her and wanted to marry her and he said NO. which really confuses me. so am I better off not getting into a 5 or 6 year relationship and not getting used and hope he'll marry me or is it better to do what I'm doing and not compromise myself and my values just to get a guy? Could use some help here

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Type: Question • Score: 10 • Views: 13,916 • Replies: 14

[+3] - jespah - 10/23/2013I stopped reading after the first line, sorry. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what theirs are like, not really. Not everyone is as happy as they look. Not everyone marries,...

@confusedjess,

I stopped reading after the first line, sorry.

Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what theirs are like, not really. Not everyone is as happy as they look. Not everyone marries, even those in long-term relationships. Your life is not a failure if you don't wed, or don't have relationships.

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No relationship is "perfect" and people change, so why are you surprised when people break up? They would either divorce or break up when things go wrong. It's just as painful.

Your family sounds like they don't approve of living together before marriage. Only you will be able to figure this out when you find a man and have a relationship. At your age, your family should respect your decision, whatever it may be about living with someone before marriage.

Don't worry about what "may or might" happen. Deal with everything when it happens.

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@jespah,

you didn't answer my question...I just wanted to know if guys in 5 or 6 year relationships are in love with their girlfriends

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@PUNKEY,

you didn't answer my question either and my family doesn't tell me how to live my life..I'm in charge of my own life:-)

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@confusedjess,

Sometimes they are in love, sometimes they aren't. One size does not fit all.

But people can even - gasp! - be in love for decades and never marry.

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@confusedjess,

I'd love to offer my personal advice. Because this is online you don't get a sense of who I am or don't know my experiences so I'll give you a little background. I've always had a GF in my life. Most of them have been 2 years plus long term relationships. I'm not saying I'm an expert but just want you to get an idea.

With that being said I think your looking at it way too liner. Your saying a boy and girl being happy. But they are all individuals. Every person has a unique personality with quarks. People aren't perfect so it is impossible to have a perfect relationship. In every relationship I've been in there's always an issue, sometimes big, sometimes small.

I think the bigger question is happiness and that just depends on a complicated mixture of maturity and connection with both parties. Its like a science project when you pretty much guess what chemicals will go good together. So that is a numbers game. Don't be afraid to go on a lot of 1st dates, make a lot of male friends, put your personality out there. The more chemical mixtures you try the better the chance you'll try something that works.

I think as far as your personal situation I can't tell you how many pretty woman I've met that can't get a boyfriend all because they don't make them self approachable in the right way. Guys judge quickly and visually. Guys will look into a bar and see 10 woman. 3 of them are next to boys. Guys think "All 3 are with their boyfriends. I won't bother." Even though the truth is 1 out of the 3 was with a BF and the other 2 are with co workers. Maybe the guy sees another 3 at the bar. One has very closed off body language and doesn't make any eye contact. A guy thinks "She'll shoot me down" (most men are terrified of being shot down.)

So where I'm going in all this is, open your self up both with physical body language and mentally to the idea of meeting more people in the world. Make eye contact with guys you want to talk to more then once and be obvious. We have this skulls and remember no ones perfect. You'll be fine if you try that.

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@confusedjess,

I cant speak for all relationships but i can tell you most relationships arent perfect. In fact a good portion of them arent even good. Will these people get married after been in a relationship for 5 years. I would venture to say most will not. Why are then they still together. Simple for companionship, maybe sometimes bragging rights and yes sometimes just for sex. In my expereince if a relationship is solely based on sex these thing usually do not last long. Ive spent I would say 60% of my adult life (and until some recent medical issues) have been happy without a GF. Often times this" happiness" is more of a facade by one or sometimes both of the people. Behind close doors its usually a different story. As evident by the phone calls i get from friends on how much arguing or how sad they are, or they havent or barely sleep with their significant others. There is no inherent problem on just dating as long as both people are on the same page. If youre intention is to get married you have to make this crystal clear upfront. Set a timeline for yourself. For example after 3 months you want to be seriously involved. After say 18 months you want a formal proposal for marriage for example. It has been my
experience if after 3 or so years it hasnt led to marriage it usually doesnt. However, there has been a few exceptions.

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I never married or had a longterm relationship for the simple reason I never really wanted to be a 'family man'.
Maybe if I meet a nice lady I might change my mind, but it hasn't happened yet and in the meantime I'm quite happy living a single uncluttered uncomplicated life.. Smile

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@confusedjess,

i think life is not just about love and having a relationship. yes it's good to have a relationship and marry the one who you love. but not everyone who has a relationship is happy and in deep love and going to marry. that's only happens in a movie. and remember that one time when you was young you was happy. yes, you was before you fall in love with anyone. happiness comes from within not from others.

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@confusedjess,

My husband is in love with me after 22 years of marriage and I don't hate his looks as well...however we do have a serious issue in our marriage. Just sayin'

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@jespah,

Because they are married to other people? LOL

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@confusedjess,

Staying in a relationship for up to 5-6 yrs out of wed is pretty a damn it, but a maximum of a yr without even moving in with. Life is dynamism with complexity in studing human behaviour. You don't know the kind of guy you really want cos he's not up to your expectation. You only need @ most 50% matched (no one's mr right). After the marriage, is a great deal and business of management. How do you handle that unavoidable conflict, is a result for divoces and parts in marriage and relationship respectively. You never chose to do anything without having passion for it except forced to, but changes in attitudes is constant leading to conflict of mind and apears in action that brings you mate to a state of deffrent opinion (conflict). That would not discourage you cos you aught to see it after all. Men/wommen 've reasons for going into the game only when music changed in the process everythings were good and perfect in happiness. Repect for your ego!........

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@otorgay,

Well said otorgay.

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@confusedjess,

@confusedjess, I wondered about the same things when I was 25. I had a string of brief relationships and wondered why I seemed to be so unsuccessful compared to my coupled - up friends, not that I knew what really went on between them. When I was 32 I met the man I would marry. We have been married for 25 years now. Sometimes it is just timing . I married at 34 and I still think it wasn't a moment too soon. Take heart.

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Confusion over relationships I see around me

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