Bomb damaged kitchens for sale, Damascus.

You are a very bad man.




I like it . . . contemporary satire, with an eye on the news . . .

Dear Sir,
I am writing to complain about the location of your kitchen wholesaler.

Why oh why can't someone set up a kitchen wholesale business in London, Oxford, Sunderland, Birmingham or any other major town or city in the UK.

Yours,
The Rt Hon. Belvedere Aswas.

PS....When you say bomb damage, I'm hoping it was some sort of Meringue explosion and that bomb had the e missing off the end.
Please send me a brochure by return pigeon.

Dear Belevedere Aziz,

I have forwarded your complaint to customer services Mumbai. Please phone the call centre. (Calls charged at £4.50 per minute. average call time 12 minutes). In the meantime why not take advantage of our mammoth used windows sale (glass an optional extra).

Alas, the pigeon failed to return from an Iraqi delivery. We suspect he is being radicalized for a suicide mission and we now have the cat patrolling the roof 24/7.

Yours etc,
Mustapha Nuffa (M.Sc Univ.Huddersfield)

Dear Musti Nuffler,
Not being in possession of a telling phone, I am unable to speak to anyone at Mumbai in the audio sense, so tried to send my complaint telepathically.

Ten minutes later and after a lot of straining, I had to take a break and top up my sugar levels with a sweet cup of Darjeeling and a digestive biscuit.

Upon opening my easy glide kitchen drawer in order to obtain a spoon, I noticed a manufacturers label stating that the unit was fabricated in Liverpool, therefore restoring at a stroke, my faith that the UK can indeed make good kitchens.

Please accept this lego model of a wild west army barracks as an apology for my previous rant.
If this gift gets lost or stolen in the post, I hope you will not be too disappointed. Remember, it's the fort that counts.

Must finish now, as the lady with the medication trolley is approaching.

Yours
Belvy.

Dear sir,

I distinctly ordered the bomb damaged kittens from Damascus, and instead some guys came in and replaced my cabinets and dented my stove.

Where are my kittens!

Signed,

Loyola Snoothorpe

Auggh! I asked for the new cabinets and dented stove service but I got your bomb damaged Damascan kittens instead. They must have gotten our orders mixed up.

Thanks to this thread, I bade farewell to the medication lady, swallowed my pill and dreamt of Damascus kitchens.
Well, a Damascus kitchen fitter, actually.
Ahmed.
Such smooth, dusky skin.
I had just got to see his plunger when men in sunglasses dressed him in an orange boiler suit and took him away.
I now await the medicine trolley again so I can find out what happens in part two.

You should turn this into a movie screenplay and have Spielberg direct it. Call it Damascus Kitchens or something on those lines.

We should meet on Craigslist.

STOP PRESS

Our branch in Damascus reports we now also have plenty of freestanding bathtubs in stock, together with freestanding basins and w.c's (some of which are still occupied by their original owner).

As for your kittens, Loyola, our cat appears to have enlisted them for relief roof patrol work following reports of insurgent pigeons intent on avian martyrdom.

Salaam,
Mustapha Nuffa M.Sc Ph.D (Univ Wapping)

Craiglist you say?

Bugger Craiglist. Last time I was on there I was looking for one of those free standing things that you hang your trousers on at night. A trouser boy I think they're called.
Well, I saw a similar thing for one's ties and requested that this Tie boy be delivered asap.
He now lives in the spare room, insists on walking around the house naked and makes the most awful smell and noise when he makes Tom Yum soup.

I think we're having Green Chicken Curry today.

Dear Musty,
In response to your stop press, I have a few questions before placing an order;
1. Does one have to stand freely in your bath equipment? Or is one allowed to sit. I'm just considering the ease of undercarriage washing when I ask this, you understand. When you get to my age, these things are important.

2. Same question for the wc's. It's all very well for a chap to be free standing, but what about the ladies?

3. Boris the pigeon returned safely to his nestbox yesterday, but now he doesn't mix with the other pigeons and tends to poo on the vicar every time he passes the house.
Should I be worried?

Oh well, time for afternoon nap.

Yours with kisses on the bottom,
Belvy.

Dear Musty or Aswas,

Kisses on the bottom! Tie boys! Color me jealisssss!!! I haz a rage!

Those kitten can NOT haz cheezburger!

Signed,

Loyola LOL Txtspk Snoothorpe

1. Standing is allowed but bending is of course restricted to the direction of Mecca.
2. All w.c.'s are equipped with Wii games console inset in low level close coupled cistern. Users are free adopt any backward facing position which allows free swinging of relevant parts.
3. That pigeon is no fool.

Kittens presently alive and well and thriving on goat's milk. However, the goat is on borrowed time.

Borrow the goat, pay for the time.

Kittehs run free!

Goats aren't four legged jokes to snicker at!