a relationship with yourself

I found it takes two, did you loose mr calgon? I had a simular thing going, but mine was diff. I was being the maid, cook, and chief bottle wash to make my wife happy, but that was not what she wanted. I have learned you need to stop and smell the roses.

Oh for sure, LMC.

Quick aside re: counseling, I don't think it's ever a judgement or, what, something BAD to need counseling. I've gone a few times, loved it. :-D So you can be totally sane, the most amazing ability to cope in the universe, but if you're feeling overwhelmed and you have the resources for it, well, go for it. Get counseling. Assuming it's an ethical professional, it can only help.

But yes, I know exactly what you mean about losing your identity and I have had to fight a conscious and continuing battle with that over the last 3+ years I've been a stay at home mom. I planned for it beforehand and knew what I was getting into but still have a whole bunch of strategies that I need to use to stay sane, and my husband helping out (OR ELSE) is a big part of that.

Anyway, you seem not to be looking for advice so much as venting (go for it) and asking if others have been in a similar situation. Sure. Lots of moms, I think, though it sounds like you have it especially tough.

Sometimes we get job burn out; it happens to everyone. When is last time you took a vacation?

Good point, colorbook, re: job burnout.

At first I thought your location said "India," and I thought, "well, duh."

Then I realized it's Indiana. Well, all I can say is life's a bitch.

Seeker of Calgon~

I have been forced to make some changes, and I heartily suggest everyone would benefit from some self-love. I have serious stress related illness--and I've got some of the biggest stressors in life jumping on my last nerve.

I give myself walking/workout time and practice (beginner's ) yoga, and goofy meditation. I always thought meditation was silly, but it really makes a difference.

If you don't have substance issues, a daily glass of wine or a Valium ain't half bad, either. Some people are just Type A's, and need a little something to take the edge off. I was arguing with my daughter the other day. I was calm and she got shrill, and I just closed my eyes, and started relaxing breathing.... (I didn't plan it--it's just beginning to be second nature when I get agitated)

She stopped fussing, and I was SO empowered. Just by the conscious adamant refusal to be caught up in stress.

Grab some peace, dear. We all deserve it! GOOD LUCK! We'll find that elusive bar of soap for you!

LMC:

Thank you for this thread, and I hope you don't mind but I thought your articulation was so funny, I had to laugh because I visualized you in fast-forward motion all during your day. I know this isn't funny, but at least you realize how busy your day is and what an ungrateful job parenthood is ... even tho' the payoffs are down the road and around the bend.

It's much, much easier to go to a job where your hours are 8 to 5 or 3 to 11, etc., at least you know when you leave your place of business your job is done.

I often wonder how young parents today do it, raise kids and take care of a home, AND go to work.

I hope your children realize how fortunate they are to have you for a mom:)

Hugs, Jen

I shy away from giving advice (councling if you wish), but here goes. You are suffering from what they call Washing Machine Syndrome. Seventy-five years ago, mom spent all day doing laundry - by hand. The shirts weren't the whitest white possible, but they got by, and we wore them more than once. Now, we've got washing machines and driers, and it still takes all day - because we demand the cleanest shirts, wear them once, and toss them in the hamper.

Invest in some of those screw in flourescent bulbs. They may or may not save money, but you won't change them as often. NO, they don't really last the 8 years advertised, but they know you won't keep the receipts anyway.

Twelve estimates? Don't be silly. Each estimate requires you to be at home at least an hour before the appointed time, incase the craftsman shows up early. If he's late, you're still waiting - even if he doesn't show. Have respect for your time. Three estimates at the most. If you know you're getting a good price from number one, get on with the job.

Shopping is a beast of a time killer. Don't do it more than once a week, except for perishibles. Forget the coupons. Your time is too valuable to clip them, sort them out, and waste your time and the time of people in the line behind you. If it's a money issue, check out the store brands. Some of them are as good as any and cheaper than name brand with the coupon.

Give the dog a day's worth of kibble at a time and set up an automatic waterer. They are not expensive, and you can spend the time saved scratching the mutt's ears.

Mow 2 acres? Why you, and just how often are you doing this. You don't belong to the house and yard! They belong to you.

Three kids? It's great you can make time to read to them. Keep it up; it's not something you can put off for a few years. Try not to let it become a chore, though.

Ordering gravel for the drive doesn't really sound like a big deal if you know what kind you need. As for leveling the driveway, same question as mowing the 2 acres. Why you?

Yep. Wal-Mart is no place to go when time is tight, but sometimes the prices are very right. If you're getting a few odds and ends, go somewhere else. Use Wal-Mart/Sam's Club for major expeditions when the savings are really worth your time.

No, keep your identity at all costs. If you're doing all this and have a husband with a good income, let his money buy you some time to be yourself. If you're single, maybe you should give me a call. I've been keeping an eye out for someone who would put up with all this.

<applause>

ROGER!!!

That is the most this man has said in three years! He's huntin' a woman with multi-tasking experience.

I only have one child. I felt like you do now almost immediately. Recently - I stopped doing everything. The house is a WRECK. When my dearest complains (and he does frequently) - my standard response is "Oh, I didnt notice- but since it is bothering you why don't you do it?" Sometimes he actually does it.

Some other strategies- Try not do do everything so well.
example- get some bleach spots on a few (two or three) of his favorite clothing. Not in the same wash! Try a pair of jeans first- wait two weeks then do something he really likes wearing to work--- to make him not suspect your "strategy" choose something you like seeing him wear & he knows you like seeing him wear it. He may start doing the laundry or he may start taking it to the cleaners- either way do not think about how he is going to solve HIS problem & don't you start dropping or picking up his laundry
I did this our first year of marriage - sometimes he needs a refresher bleach.
Next- break the lawnmower- EVERY time you use it. I am serious.

and remember you dont have to be perfect, your house doesnt have to be perfect, your lawn doesnt have to be perfect & if you are miserable really everyone else in your house will be miserable. Without you they would be screwed.

Yeah, that's what I should have said.

...

Lost_in_my calgon, listen to Roger and everyone's good advice. The time with your children is more important than any house work.

I think you need some immediate relief, LMC. So take it. Pull out that trusty charge card (this IS an emergency, dammit!) and take yourself somewhere. Alone. For at least 4 days...a week if you can manage it. Go someplace you always wanted to go, but they wouldn't like so you haven't. In other words, take a holiday.

And don't ASK them if you can go. TELL them you're going! Period! End of discussion!

When you get back, you will see things much more clearly. THEN you can decide what you want to continue doing, and what you will eliminate. But for now, take a break! Geez girl, you're gonna explode!!!

(And in case you're wondering...Yes, I've been there, and Yes, I did go. It was wonderful. Just what I needed. And they got over it because they had to.)

http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=283139#283139A silly article for crazy mothers.

(Warning: It is old and not very good--but it knows what of you speak.)

I think it is a great article Sofia; I love the humor in it.

<gasp, astonishment>
<small smile>


Thank you. I wrote it during my ten year tour of duty on the home front. I still can't decide if my memory loss started then, or with high school pot smoking... Go figure.

Well, my several days of parenting experience give me no expertise. I don't know how any of you manage. I can add to Roger's list of time savers that the old lady that runs the local Laundromat will be more than happy to wash/dry/fold/hang your clothes for you for considerably less than you might think. And the neighbor kid would love to supplement his allowance by doing your yard work.

I remember visiting my sister last year and being in awe after spending some time watching her home-school her 4 wonderful children, while managing a successful landscaping business. When she inquired about the awed look on my face, I replied " I don't understand how you can deal with all this without going completely crazy." She looked me deep in the eyes like I had missed something obvious and said "Do you really think I'm not?" I flew her down to visit me for a week the following month for her birthday present. All fears of being separated from the little ones quickly dissipated and she claimed to have the time of her life. This year she took a trip to Italy without the family and it had the same calming effect. I should probably add; her and my Brother-in-law constitute the most happily married couple I know. Perhaps some time alone will relieve you too.

Ps I wanted to add, just because I thought it was beautiful; After my Occom Childcare experiment I mentioned at the end of an email to my brother-in-law that I didn't think I was cut out for parenthood. He responded: