Breaking News....Damn You Obama

GOP to Start Throwing Babies into the Potomac; Blame Dems for Not Stopping Them

10/3/14

House Republicans gave several furious speeches today to condemn Democrats, who they blame for potentially causing the deaths of thousands upon thousands of babies.

“All the Democrats have to do is say yes to our demands and we won’t be forced to toss those babies into the river,” Speaker John Boehner said on the floor. “They could easily do that, but they choose not to. We don’t want thousands upon thousands of cute little babies to die; we’re against that. Apparently, though, it’s not that important to the Democrat party. If we have to toss those babies, I don’t think the American people will ever forgive them.”
Boehner: Says he doesn't want to toss babies in.
Other congressmen and women joined in the condemnation.

Representative Steve King, Idiot of Iowa, reiterated Boehner’s points: “We’re the ones trying to protect those babies,” he said, “by giving the Democrats the opportunity to avoid forcing us to toss them and by making sure that many of them will never have the burden of adequate health insurance.”

Michele Bachmann, from Minnesota’s Crazy District, added, “These babies want to be saved, from Obamacare and from the river. Why won’t the Democrats save them? Why won’t they at least compromise?”

The Republicans have in fact offered several compromises:

They’ve offered to only throw some babies into the river – perhaps as little as a thousand.

Bachmann: Says, like her, the GOP shouldn't blink.
They’ve offered to keep up to 70% of each baby, only tossing in limbs.

And they’ve offered to keep all of the babies completely unharmed, so long as the Democrats agree to all of their demands, getting rid of Obamacare and promising never to oppose them on anything ever again.

“These are reasonable proposals,” said Majority Leader and Guy that Creeped You Out in High School Eric Cantor. “But the President just won’t sit down at the table with us. It’s terrible. The last thing we want to do is to have to throw these babies into the river. If it happens, the President will have blood on his hands.”

The media has had mixed reactions. On “The Situation Room,” Wolf Blitzer reported: “We’re not going to blame any one side; the entire Congress seems to be dysfunctional. The question now is: Who will blink first?”

On MSNBC’s “Morning Joe,” host Joe Scarborough had this view: “I don’t agree with how the Republicans are going about it, but really the Democrats need to equally share the blame.”

And Sean Hannity of Fox “News” said, “I am shocked and appalled that President Obama’s actions have led to this. Where is the leadership? He will go down as the first President in history to be responsible for thousands of innocent Americans drowning – unless you count Bush during Katrina, but that’s different because he was a great man and did the courageous thing.”