In love with a married man

When I was a teenager I moved into a homeless shelter with my mother and sister. There was a boy who lived there named donovan, the moment I saw him I felt as though I couldn't breathe. Long story short I feel completely in love. My first true love. My first everything. But I didn't know how to show my love. I had abandonment issues with my drug addict of a father and so much more so I was mean to him and didn't show him what he really ment to me. His mother was sometimes abusive to him so when the opportunity presented its self for him to finally leave the shelter and love with his father I was happy for home. Of coarse I did the dramatic teenage drama and broke his heart into a Million pieces so he'd leave I thought I was holding him back and he'd be better off. I didn't expect it to hurt so much when I woke up the next morning though, it was like everything I had ever feared was tormenting me, mocking me everythig I knew would happen "he'd leave" "he'd break my heart" I made it all happen myself. But of coarse trying to be a tough teenager I smoked a bunch of weed and got stupid dated the entire school and pretender I forgot about donovan. While in the back of my mind he was always there a few months later my mother sister and I unknowingly joined a very controlling cult eventually withing the year I lost all cell phone and Internet accessibility. I stayed there for a good 3-4 years before the pastor was finally arrested for child abuse and I was able o escape with my mother an sister and see my family again. What started to scare me the most while I was there was how often I cryed myself to sleep remebering donovan and how much I hurt him. Mid way through being in the cult I got access to an iPod touch and made a fake Facebook so the cult "church" wouldn't find out I wrisked getting my ass so completely beaten but I didn't care I just wanted to find him by the time I gathered the courage to message him i saw he was finally dating again. I went back on his timeline to see he posted something to me every single day for months but since I didn't have an account I couldn't see him crying out to me. And as silly as it sounds he waited almost 2 yets before dating her maybe it was because of me I'm not sure. I couldn't take how much I hurt him. I found his girlfriend was pregnant that day and wrote some sad pitiful status and he emailed me asking if I was alright it was the first time we'd talked in years I roughly explained to him and he gave me his number to text him but it's hard to do in a cult sneaking messages like that. Eventually a kid from school got my iPod and messaged something stupid and he never messaged me back. When I left the church a few years later he was married and had a baby. I left and moved Dow by my family but starting over was hard with my sister and mother we were so poor. Long sorry short 2 years ago I made a pof account and met someone amazing I really love him honestly but recently I've been thinking about donovan more and more I find myself just trying my hardest to make it through the day so I can go sleep and close y eyes and just think about him for a few moments. It's all I can seem to think of lately in te back of my head. I truly am in love with my boyfriend I even see myself marrying him and I truly want to spend the rest of my life with him but there's always that "what if" in my mind when my boyfriends gone and I'm by myself I jus imagine what it could have been like. What if I hadn't made him go and I told him how much he ment. Would my life be different?
My boyfriend now Michael is the most amazing man I've ever know in my life he pays half of my moms rent so we can have a roof over our heads until we're on our feet again all he ever does is treat me like his princess and love me unconditionally he makes me feel complete and alive again. But it's hard when there's always someone to compare him to. An Michael always passes all comparisons. I love him so much but I can't forget my first love. I'm afraid If I told Michael he'd think our realationship was all a lie but I am honestly in love with him! I want to marry him so badly! It's what we talk about an dream about is a house together withing the year and just to be able to wake up together every morning . Is it just me? Am I the only one who can't let go of my first love?! I can't just email donovan and disrupt his family he has a wife and a 2 year old now how can I be the stupid childish one who seems like a stalker! After 4-5 years now. What do I do ? I ness help I want to be with Michael for the rest of my life but there will always be " what if donovan still loves me like I love him?" "What if he misses me too" ? Please god someone tell me what to do please !