Husband Cheated and I Feel Responsible for the Children

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My story is a long one so I thought I'd start out with a summary of where I am and hopefully get enough discussion where I can get some sound advice as well as give more information about my situation.
Basically this is my second marriage. Between the two of us we have 5 children. He has two and I have two and we have a 1 year old together. I divorced my first husband after emotional abuse, cheating and he was a terrible father. I waited 6 years before introducing my children to anyone. I was carefull and sensative to who they felt. I made mistakes along the way but as a single mother of two I thougt I was doing my best. After dating and enjoing single life, I thought my children needed stabilty and a father figure. I carefully and relectunclty joined a dating website and ended up meeting my current husband. He's very educated, articulate, funny, dedicated father, handsome, he's an Attny by trade but was also in seminary school to become a preacher. Involved with his church, involved with his community, good family and always treated me with respect. After almost two years of dating ( or less ) I introduced him to my children. After a few weeks , I met his and the relationship got closer and closer and here we are 6 years or so later, married with a baby.
What I've learned in the past year and half about this man is that all of the things I thought were admirable about him were all a lie. Everything I thought that was ...wasnt.
* he cheated on me with some of the women in church
* he cheated on me with women he met when he went on his infamous golf trips
* he cheated on me with women from his seminary school
* he cheated on me ( and what brought all of the above to light ) with the women she cheated on his first wife with.
Come to find out it was not that they "were not getting along" he had an affair with this woman and left his wife and two small children for her.
She used him, treated him and his children ( in his words ) like second class citizens. Seems like as soon as he was no longer married and she got him full time she was not happy.
They break up , I enter the picture and 6 years in.......she's back in my picture this time. She's married now, has a daughter and cheating. I found out because my husbands computer was hacked and hundreds of emails both work and personal were sent out to all his contacts including emails he exchanged with her. Emails of expressions of their undying love for one another, emails where he asked her over and over to marry him. He offered to buy her a ring and even though they were both married to others "in his heart" she would be his wife and he would be honered. She declined the ring but told him a purse would be cheaper and the educated, attny, preacher FOOL bought her a LV purse. This is just one of many emails that were disclosed between them. He often expressed his undying love and they would go out to expensive dinners and cheap hotels. His plan ( their plan ) was to do to his second family what he did to his first. Leave. His children who by this point are very very close to me were not a though. My children were not a thought and neither was our baby. Emails were more descriptive as I read more and get got caught.
NOW .......I confront him, he has no choice but to admit what is written in black and white and after two days of screaming and crying HE begged me to find a way for us not to break up the family. For US to see how we can work this out so that WE dont destroy our family. He CANT face his children and hurt them again, he CANT leave his baby and BEGGED. He was exposed. She was exposed for the mistress she's always been and now everyone is in hiding. ALL of the children ( expect for my baby ) look to me with tears in their eyes. My oldest who knows the most to the youngest who suspects wrong doing. Children are nervous and guards are up. He is acting like things can go right back to normal so as long as he continues to pay for everything and support the family. He acts with me llike he's walking on eggs shells and like we went through a small bumb in the road and we can get through this. I have been unable to speak, to eat, to laugh, to cry , to sleep. I have not said a word until I came accross this website. I dont want to talk, pray, or go to counseling. I barely make it to work. I dont say anything ever. Im at a loss for words to describe just how I feel. My story is a long one. There is so much I can say although it sounds like I've said so much. Oh yes, since my baby was 2 mths old, we were in counseling because his communication with me was so poor. Every week he was there before I was. Come to find out , the entire time before and after we started going to counseling, he was cheating the entire time. Lieing every single session, every single day to me. He did not just cheat. He had a long on going love affair with the same mistress AND he cheated with other women in between but now BEGS ME to help the family stay together. I need to say more but if anyone reads this and has comments or better yet questions, I will explain more. Sorry for the rambling but this is just 5 weeks old and Im as confused and hurt as if it were one day old.

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Type: Discussion • Score: 5 • Views: 1,614 • Replies: 13

@lostagain,

Hi and welcome. I'm sorry this is happening. It sounds like you were very careful and you just got burned badly by someone who, it seems, was a pro at this sort of thing.

I think you will need to start thinking about where you want to be at the end of this.

Divorced?
With full custody of the child you had with your current husband?
With relationships intact with the children who are not biologically yours?
In counseling?
Separated?
With the mistress completely out of the picture?
Something else?

These are not all mutually exclusive although some of them may not be possible and/or likely. After all, he's gone back to the mistress before. I imagine he would again.

So decide how you wish to proceed (and it need not be today and you don't need to tell us). This will determine what you tell a lawyer. Because the vast majority of these come with the need for an attorney.

1 Reply

@jespah,

Thank you Jespah

My brain is frozen it seams and just when I think I know what I want to do ultimately..........I dont.

Divorced again......I remember that life and hated it but I hate feeling like I do today so whats the difference right?

For sure, full custody of my baby with him. YES YES YES

Yes a relationship in tact with his children. They are good kids and have been through so much. They are 13 now but even though he loves them ( I believe he does ) they have seen and been through a lot of pain.

Counseling.....No. Maybe eventually just for me but not us I dont think. I mean, we were in counseling for almost a year wasting our time because he lied the entire time. Everyone thought "its a great sign he is attending" and all the while he was lying. He started all of this when I was 7 mths pregnanat. That I know.

Mistress completley out of the picture - yes and I plan on sitting down with him and pulling out my "notes" on my thoughts and letting him know this. I hope he can sit down and talk to me and be a better friend then he was a spouse. I hestitate to tell him what I think of her but I really want to. I've read here and there not to even discuss the other woman but I have a feeling I wont be able to help myself.

Something else.......not sure. Sometimes I feel a sense of relief when I think of seperating from him. Just not having his constant reminder around. I might need to hear what he has to say after my talk with him . Not sure.

Sometimes I think of just staying and letting him support me and the kids and just not caring at all. Basically just be a roomate but thats my anger talking. My baby is 1. How can we live like that till he's off to school. Not good for anyone.

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@lostagain,

Hello and welcome, lostagain. I'm so sorry you found us through this horrible situation. I don't have any experience with what you're going through, but I have to say you sound reasonable, rational, logical, and composed. I know that isn't your reality at the moment, but I hope it helps to hear how you're coming across.

I don't understand serial cheaters. Why marry someone if you want to play the field? This one person has caused, and continues to cause, supposed loved ones so much heartache and pain.

I hope you get a barracuda of a lawyer, so your main struggle will be getting over this and getting used to being a single mother again and not about how you're going to be able to give your kids a good life.

Keep talking, if it helps. We're here to listen and support.

1 Reply

@Mame,

I like every word of Mame's post, good woman, knows her beeswax. She saved me the trouble of framing and wording the same opinions.

And yes, talk.

I'm clear myself that you need to leave, but how you do that matters. A barracuda would be a start, but a barracuda who knows you need to watch out for emotional harm to the children. So, a wise barracuda that can protect you.

I'd see the barracuda before talking with husband other than distantly.

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@lostagain,

This is a pure guess, but you can read it and see if it's accurate : 10 ways to know if you are dating a sociopath

Other than the very obvious matches in that list - other places I've read, once they are caught, they absolutely beg for their partner not to break up the marriage.

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Get him out of the house.
Find the best woman divorce lawyer you can.
Try to surround yourself with helpful relatives or a counselor to take you thru this process. He is a manipulator and a con and you need all the support you can to deal with him.

This is going to take a lot of energy. Safeguard your health. Eat and try to be pleasant around the kids. They will handle this as well as you do. Good luck.

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Thank you all so much. I can’t begin to tell you how isolated I feel. I have 5 children at home all coming in and out of the home at different times. I don’t know when I can break down and when I cant. I have zero desire ( at the moment) to speak to a counselor. I feel like I need a 4 hrs session or for her to come live with me if possible. I’m constantly questioning my actions. What should I do next, how should I react, what should I say. Funny but it doesn’t help that he is in begging mode. It makes me feel like the ownership of this ordeal is on me and now I have to "save" the family??

I appreciate the kind words @Mame. The last thing I feel is anything positive at all. I feel like I’m carrying around a dead soul with me every day.

@ossobuco yes, I agree with Mame about a "barracuda" lawyer and yes I agree that I need that mixed with emotional needs for my children. As humiliated, devastated and angry I feel I don’t want to hurt their father. He is a lawyer himself so he knows a lot of people. I'd have to talk to someone outside of his circle for sure.

@ vikorr I will most certainly look into reading that!!!

@punkey, my sister is the only person in my family I've spoke to about this and she has been saying that since I told her. "Get him out". It’s not that easy but I know it’s the right thing. He is a manipulator of the worst kind. He's one of those you'll end up trusting with your life before you even suspect the smallest hint of foul play. I try my best to be pleasant around the kids. They are the only people keeping me afloat.

Question:
I don’t want to have a discussion with him regarding next steps really. Its more about my feelings on this whole thing. First day I was so angry and I was screaming, every day after that has been on protecting my children mode and crying every chance I get to be alone. I have not sat down and calmly discussed how I feel. It happened, I screamed, I cried then he begged and now I’m just going through the motions of living so my kids don’t feel the effects. In essence I’m taking the bullet for all of it and I feel lost inside. You can’t imagine the amount of lies that went on in this relationship. Everything that I thought was solid was all fake. This man is not only a lawyer but a preacher and I believed and trusted EVERYTHING he said. When I was 7 mths pregnant he walked into our room and said "we are making a mistake" . Just like that out of the blue. Come to find out a few weeks ago, he said that because he started his affair then . Countless conversations about trust and honestly out the window. All of it was fake. I sit and watch this man preach at church and I start to wonder if it’s me that’s crazy. The emails that went back and forth were a constant love affair that went against EVERYTHING he speaks about in church, to me, and to friends??? I want to laugh because it sounds like I’m talking about a Life Time movie but I’m not. He's on antidepressants, He's been seeing a psychiatrist for the past 7 years, he is cheating and begging at the same time. If you saw him you'd NEVER think in a million years this man has so many issues.
It’s bad enough he cheated on me whenever anyone gave him the opportunity but on top of that he had a love affair with his ex-mistress to the point he asked her to marry him and told her he resented me. All the while he's telling me he never wants to leave home and wants to raise his son . All the while he's cheating on me with his mistress, he's also cheating on his mistress with random women in between. NOW I am the one holding the bag with this man.
Do I stay for the kids and just not care what the hell he does ?
Do I confront this woman?
My therapist did say to make sure I don’t act out while I’m angry. She says, I need to make sure I’m not telling him to leave just to screw him over and punish him emotionally for what he did to me so he'll suffer because in turn who I'll be hurting in the end are the kids. She says, in war there is always a grave to dig and in my case there will be 5 graves.
ok..........BUT WHAT ABOUT ME???

oh yes, he also told me he wanted to kill himself at the thought of losing his children again for the 3rd time and almost ran his car into an oncomming truck. - no pressure for me I see........

2 Replies

@lostagain,

What you're going through is to be expected, lostagain, all of it. The isolation, the anger, the disbelief... your whole world has been turned upside down.

No one can really advise you about what to do since every situation has its own uniqueness, but the right decision will come to you at the right time. It will just feel right.

Right now I wouldn't even worry about tomorrow - just live each day the best that you can. Just concentrate on you and your kids. Don't even think about the future at the moment - just focus on what you NEED to focus on.

This is a huge issue. It's a sort of death. The death of your trust, belief, faith, and surety in your relationship. So, treat it like that and grieve for it. Read about cheating, breakups, etc., when you feel inclined to, but not until then.

I had to deal with the death of a grandson and in the initial stages I couldn't stand the thought of reading about grief, etc., but one day I was ready to and I read some great stuff that helped enormously. It wouldn't have had the same impact if I'd read it the day after he died.

And time is a wondrous thing - eventually your mind will have absorbed and accepted all of this and then you'll be at the decision-making stage. Until then, just shove this mess in the back of your mind and delight in your children. Don't feel you have to sort it all out quickly. Take all the time you need. This has been a huge shock to you. All the future issues should be dealt with in the future (moving out, child support, etc)... right now, just process the information.

Keep talking and keep us posted, lost again.

1 Reply

@Mame,

Thank you @ Mame......a death is truly what this feels like.

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@lostagain,

Dayum, he certainly does enjoy manipulating people, eh?

I bet if one of your children became ill, he'd go on and on about how much it hurt and confused and upset him.

Have you got a friend or two in the area you can lean on a little, even if it's just for an afternoon at the movies? I know around here there are a few movie houses where you can take your youngest children - it's usually some old Disney flick that everyone's seen a thousand times - and it doesn't matter if they're loud and you can just have some time out and a little away from the routine.

It's not a cure-all but it is a few hours' escape. You're entitled for life to not suck 24/7, y'know.

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@lostagain,

Lost, it is not often that we contentious people get behind someone, as any kind of group, but we are clearly all rooting for you.

And so what? Well, some one may show up with handy info.

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I've asked him to have a sit down with me next week. This week is my daughters birthday and she has a sleepover etc. I dont want to put a damper on her birthday week. I dont really want to discuss our next steps as much as I want to be heard. I feel like I keep so much inside and other then this forum, my sister and one of my friends I dont talk. I dont know how much I'll get out of him but if for nothing else I need to let it out. His responce was the following:

"We can talk and I will try to answer whatever questions and you can let me know how you want to proceed and we can discuss where we go"

Clearly this man wants to put the ownership on me ( hence why i titled my post like I did) . He wants it to be ME that decides to stay or go. He wants to walk away saying, "she wanted to break up". Im not going to let him off that easy. I didint do any of this. I was protecting and loving my family while he was out doing everything with everyone now he wants to know how I WANT TO PROCEED.

1 Reply

@lostagain,

I'm glad that you see this clearly. He wants to be able to BLAME everything on you so he can play the "poor me" card.

Listen - this man is NEVER going to accept responsibility for his actions. He probably is a sociopath and will look you right in the eye and lie.

You need to confront him about how HE is going to do to accept responsiblity for his action. This is LEGALLY, SOCIALLY, MARRIAGE-WISE and PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITY issues. Try to keep the conversation very objective. Do not get into emotions, since he has none and yours are over the top.

Don't ask him how he could do this to you. He has NO remorse and NO sense of shame. He knows how to be a smooth talker . . .

I wish you had a lawyer or counselor to sit with you during this talk. Your hurt and sense of betrayal is an opening for him to stick it to you. He will turn this around so that you actually feeling sorry for him!!! Beware!! You are dealing with a real pro, here.

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Husband Cheated and I Feel Responsible for the Children

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