A2K Memes - the 2013 Edition

I want to marry my mother. We had a baby two years ago--is he my son or my brother? Is she his mother or his grandmother?

Cooking Lemon Squid with Porterhouse Steak. Saute squid in lemon juice until slightly black and crunchy. Toss with skillet into trash. Put porterhouse in clean skillet. No oils or seasonings necessary. Sear until outsides are brown and center is still red. Enjoy.

Wazzoo will serve you. Who wants coffee and a Twinkie?

I saw this movie a long time ago. It starred a big guy with a gun, and lots of people got killed. Anyone remember the name of it?

So, I have this light switch in my house. Every time I turn it on, all the lights in the room switch off.

Every time I turn it off, all the lights switch off in the rest of the house. But the lights are unaffected inside that one room.

Every time I turn lights on or off in the rest of the house, all the lights in that room switch on.

I don't want to consult an electrician. I want to fix this all by myself.

Please make your instructions easy to understand. I don't know anything about electrical wiring.

Dirty Gary?

My neighbor and I have children the same age. We often exchange parenting advice and I always thought we saw eye to eye on most things.

Yesterday I told her I put my six year old in the fridge to help him chill out and while he was in there he ate all the leftover salami. I thought she'd suggest something else I could use to make sandwiches for lunch. Her response floored me. She said she should report me to CPS and she marched off in a huff. What did I do wrong? Is there something wrong with letting him eat salami in the fridge? Isn't it the same as eating salami anywhere else? Is salami bad for a six year old?

Do I need to get a lawyer? Should I hide my children? Do I need to return my neighbor's crock pot to her after this, or am I entitled to keep it?

Thanx in advance for your help.

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a2k sux. no wun heer nos nuthing.
B4 I go, kin enny wun splain red skwiggly lins undr my wirds

My husband likes to wear my clothes on the weekends. I'm fine with that. He prefers the dressier outfits I generally don't put on weekends so it doesn't inconvenience me.

Lately he's been getting make-up stains on my garments because he pulls them on and off while he's wearing tons of make-up. I told him it's his responsibility to take them to the dry cleaners and pay the bills for that. He refuses and says it's my fault because I don't buy all wash and wear.

I think he's being unreasonable. It's bad enough he's ruined three pairs of my platform heels because his feet are much wider than mine and I feel I should draw the line about the dry cleaning.

I have trouble asserting myself and I think I'm becoming a doormat. How can I put my foot down and let him know I mean business?

Should I put locks on my closet and bureau drawers? Would I need a locksmith for that or is it something I could do for myself?

Should I just buy him some waterproof make-up, that won't rub off on my clothes, and hope he uses it?

This is my fourth marriage and I'd really like this one to last more than 8 months which is the longest the others survived. I hate to make such a big deal over a minor matter but I'm afraid this could mushroom into something bigger.

Should I give in and just buy wash and wear?

PLEASE HELP! I"M VERY CONFUSED ABOUT WHAT TO DO!

I found an original Rembrandt at a garage sale. I know it's an original because it's signed. The owners didn't realize what a treasure they had and I got it for only $10.


I think I should insure it for at least a couple of hundred dollars. It's a rare painting, done on cardboard not canvas. Must have been done when Rembrandt was broke and couldn't afford a canvas.

Can someone give me an idea of what it might be worth?

I'm getting a divorce. I signed a bunch of stuff that I didn't read because, well, there's no need to do that when you're assured that everything's okay, right?

Now I've lost custody of my children and I think it's CPS that has repossessed my neighbor's crock pot. There are a bunch of large guys who come in every day or so and take another piece of furniture away. I'm down to a kid's sized futon and an armoire I'm going to sell on eBay.

So my question is, how do I make beans if I don't have my neighbor's repossessed crock pot?

I just started a new diet that involves eating a ton of watermelon seeds. I want to get skinny so someone will ask me to the prom. My mom thinks I am skinny enough but I think she's wrung. I'm loosing weight but my tummy is starting to bulge. Cud the seeds do that? My bff says I might be pregnant because that happens if you eat lots of seeds and don't use oral contraceptives. Now I'm scared to tell my mom I might be pregnant. What shud I do?

firefly


This type of child rearing is the reason the U.S. is such a world-bully and is responsible for so much global misery.


The term crock pot isn't familiar to me. Is that where **** is collected?


Parents shud keep a .45 in the fridge in case of a home invasion.

I have these pictures of Anthony Weiner's penis. Can I sell them? Are they worth anything?

I heard an old song on a tv commercial a month ago and now I can't get the tune out of my head.

I'm going crazy trying to think of the name of it. I think it was a hit by The Supremes or maybe it was The Spice Girls but the commercial was just the music with no singing.

I can't remember what the commercial was for. I think some make of car. Could have been for a bank or a cereal

Can someone name that tune for me? I'm going out of my mind with this. If I hum a few bars maybe one of you can recognize it.

Was Jesus a gynaecologist?

No. Jesus was a proctologist. Sorry ... a colorectal surgeon.

What is the meaning of meaning?

That made Mary a proud Jewish mother who could say, "My son, the doctor, And he's a big man--a surgeon."

Isn't it true that Jesus favored universal health care? Shouldn't Obamacare be renamed Jesuscare if this is a Christian country? Should it be made available to atheists?