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Sun 1 Sep, 2013 12:20 pm
I need advice from someone who's been on the other end of a situation like this. I don't know what to do.
Over a year ago, I had a relationship with a man in another city. I was emotionally invested in him, but as it was long distance (and I was moving even farther away for school in a few months) I understood that it was temporary. Still, he told me he really cared about me, and he hoped that we would end up in the same city someday so we could be together properly. He would visit, we would call and text, and this went on for 6 months. Then I had to move for school, so we said our goodbyes and I went. I was sad about it, but I was prepared, so it wasn't that big a deal in itself.
I'll spare you the details, but through a mutual friend that I didn't know we had, I found out that this guy had another girlfriend, and that they'd been together for years before I came along. I really had no idea, and I was furious with him, and furious with myself for not suspecting. I chewed him out for it, and he basically came up with this excuse that sounded halfway plausible, basically that it was just a misunderstanding with the friend. Frankly, I really wanted to believe it. We were broken up anyway, and I was sick of the drama, so I was like, OK, fine, lets drop it. And I haven't talked to him since.
Well, all by chance I've met another mutual friend of ours, and my ex came up in conversation, and what do you know, he was lying. So now, over a year later, I've had it confirmed beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was, in fact, cheating, lying, and sneaking around on this girl for 6 months, and I can't fool myself otherwise.
I'm not angry about it anymore, so it's not a revenge thing, I'm just wondering if I should tell her. I have her info, I can email her at any time. I feel terrible about what happened, but it's been a year now, and it's so hard to bring up the subject and explain. But it also means she's been spending years of her life on this guy that has no respect for her at all, and I feel like she deserves that information. If he'll do it once, and get away with it, he'll do it again, right? And I feel like I'm keeping an important secret from someone just to save myself some drama, and it's totally gross and dishonest. It's kind of not my business, but then again, it kind of is, since I was the "other woman," I'm involved and I'm partway responsible.
So what I want to know is, those of you that have been cheated on; if you were in her position, would you want to know? Should I get involved now, or just let it go and hope for Karma to work things out? Would it be helpful to her in the long run to know, or would I just be hurting her for no reason? Or maybe I should contact him, and try and convince him to tell her himself? I doubt it would work, but at least I could say I tried...
This is really bothering my conscience, and I'd really like some perspective. Thanks!
@Discord88,
Do yourself a huge favor: Drop the whole thing. Stop right where you are...and drop it.
@Discord88,
I take it you two didn't take some kind of vows or even discuss that you were exclusive. It is not really your business if he has other lovers. You don't somehow own people just because you date/sleep with them.
@ossobuco,
Yes, actually,we did discuss it. He told me he was single, and I was the only woman he was seeing. He told her he was exclusive. When I caught him, he tried to weasel out of it and tell me she was just a friend.
Anyway, that's not really the point. Like I said, it's been a year, I'm not feeling mad or vengeful or possessive, I'm glad to be rid of the bastard. I'm just feeling guilty for keeping this secret from this girl. And we have a lot of friends in common, and I'm SURE it's going to come back to bite me sooner or later. Apparently, they're living together now. They have a frickin' CAT together, and she has no idea that he's sleeping all around town. And I feel responsible that she doesn't know.
@Frank Apisa,
I totally know what you're saying, and I do want to drop it for my sake... but I can't help feeling guilty for her. I SO don't want to deal with the drama myself, but I feel responsible and I want to do the right thing.
@Discord88,
1) don't contact him
2) you're not keeping a secret - he is. If people ask about him for some reason you can tell the truth - that you dated him in the past.
3) don't contact him.
You didn't know he was in a relationship. I don't know how that makes you responsible for any of his behaviour.
@Discord88,
It's better to drop it and count your blessings. You confronted him and he convinced you it was a misunderstanding, the same thing will happen if you tell her. She doesn't know you so you would be viewed skeptically. You won't feel good about yourself by upsetting her and you risk back lash. Please drop it.
You know, the only thing you're responsible for is not catching on to the fact that he had two relationships on the go.
Try not to let that happen again. Be smarter about what's going on in a future partner's life before you get involved.
@Discord88,
Nothing remains a secret. The fact that you have now totally confirmed that he was cheating on her, with you means, nothing remains a secret.
Life is about lessons learnt. Long distance is always very hard - and words are just words until proven in reality to be true. We can be vulnerable.
There is no way that she will "one day" herself, not find out, she will. There is no need for you to concern yourself or even think about it anymore. It was a lesson that you learnt that hopefully will help guide you in the future and it will be a lesson she will learn when it comes to light.
If your actions that you take, hurt someone. Don't take them. Let it rides its course, it will come out.
@Discord88,
Quote:I'm involved and I'm partway responsible.
Could you actually say what it is you think you are partway responsible for?...I think you'll find this unfinished thought is part of the 'guilt' problem you are experiencing.
In finishing that thought :
- just remember that you can't take responsibility for his decisions.
- he committed fraud / a con / a deception against you, and your actions were based in the honest belief of the state of things
So then...what is it that you are partly responsible for?
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Also, I'm curious to know what it is that you think you'd achieve? That comes in two parts :
- what do you hope you'd achieve; and
- what do you think would be the results for the other woman? (in terms of : emotions, trust, fear, security, damage, future relationships, etc)
- do you think she'd fight the idea? Do you think he'd lie to her, and that she'd believe him over you? Do you think she'd be right to believe him over you? (and would you be prepared to go to the level of description necessary to show you have knowledge of him you 'shouldn't have')
- if she fought the idea (only normal - as happened to you as well), what do you think the results are when she eventually finds out?
In other words, have you thought through your motivations, and the repercussions of telling her?
@vikorr,
I'm not responsible for the fact that it happened, I know that. I didn't know he had a girlfriend (but I wish I hadn't been so naive about the whole thing) and if I had I certainly wouldn't have gone out with him. I don't feel bad about what I did, I put the blame where it is due there.
The point is, I know now. I know, and she doesn't. I think I may be the only one (besides him) that does. And I know that she's spending the best years of her life on this scumbag. And she deserves to know, and I know, and I'm withholding that information because I don't want drama?
Everyone keeps telling me that I should walk away because it would be easier on me. Well, obviously it would be easier on me. I know that, that was never in question. And they're telling me that eventually she'll figure it out on her own. Well that's great. When? When she's pregnant and stuck with him? When he brings some disease home? When she wakes up and realizes she wasted 10 of her best years with someone who can look her in the face and lie to her day after day after day? But hey, I guess technically it's not my responsibility, right? I get off on a technicality, it's not my problem, why should I care?
I care because it's wrong. And I have the information she deserves, and I'm withholding it.
She's friends with a lot of my friends. I see her posts on their walls all the time, little reminders. Sooner or later I'm going to meet her, and what, I should just lie to her face then? What if she asks me why I didn't warn her at the time?
It's not a revenge thing. I wouldn't be doing it if it was about getting back at him. Hell, maybe it would even strengthen their relationship -- I don't care. But I have information that she needs, and I'm supposed to just keep it to myself because I don't want to deal with the consequences?
Or maybe she wouldn't believe me, maybe ignorance is bliss. I don't know. That's why I was asking specifically for people that had been in her position, and found out their lovers had cheated on them, and I want to know... are they glad that someone told them? Isn't it better to know in the long run, even if it hurts in the short term?
@Discord88,
Discord88 wrote:
I'm ... I ... I ... I ... I ... I ...I ... I ....I ... I .
I ... I ... I... I ... I ... I...I'm ... I ....
... me ... I ... me. .... me. I ... me ... I ... my ... I ... my ... I
I ... I ... I'm ...
... my ... I ...I'm ... I ... me ... I
.... I ... I ... I ...I'm I
me, I I I
you are asking people a question
you're getting answers
you don't seem to like the answers and come back with I I I I I
you might want to think why you think you need to get involved in their relationship again
@ehBeth,
Hi EhBeth,
Is this how you operate? People come to you in pain and anxiety, trying to figure out real ethical dilemmas, and you mock them to make yourself feel powerful?
Try this on:
Go **** yourself.
@Discord88,
Nope - definitely not feeling powerful.
Looking at your posts in response to the answers you got - and pointing out how you are reacting.
Why are you in pain and anxiety? aren't you supposed to be over the relationship?
My suspicion is that there's more to the story - and it's about you.
@Discord88,
Why do you feel you need to get into their relationship again?
@Discord88,
Discord88 wrote: I have information that she needs.
You have information that you think she needs.
It is clear that you want to tell her and that people in real life are telling you not to. You've come here and you're getting the same response.
Think about why you want to do this so badly.
@ehBeth,
Oh, I'm sorry, did you miss my "go **** yourself" before?
I have another one if you need it:
Go **** yourself.
You're not the kind of person I choose to associate with, let alone take advice from.
@Discord88,
Then listen to your friends or the other people who have responded on the thread.
Are you telling your real-life friends to **** themselves as well? I hope it works for you out there.
You can definitely put me on ignore - regrettably it won't necessarily prevent me from responding.
@ehBeth,
Ooh, there's an ignore feature? Thanks! Will that make you finally go **** yourself? I sure hope so.
You clearly think you're a lot more important than you really are. You glance at my query, ignore my actual question, and then insult me (while I'm not even talking to you) because I don't instantly take your three lines of knee jerk advice like it's gospel. I guess when you're the kind of person that finds it incredibly unbelievable that a person could have ethical concerns on the behalf of others, then that sounds like a fun time.
Now, I believe I was in the middle of talking to someone with actual insights. Did I mention go **** yourself?
@ehBeth,
No one in real life has told me anything, because, if you had read my post, you'd see that I mention that no one knows about it except me and him. So, nope. Sorry, oh wise one.
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