My husband won't talk about me to his kids or ex-wife

Reply Fri 23 Aug, 2013 02:24 am
We have been married for 6 months and dated a year before that. When we first started dating, he told me that he had never been married but as our relationship got serious and as we were making plans to get married, he felt that he had to come clean told he had been married before and has 2 boys (now ages 6 and 4), and the marriage ended a year before we met. When I first found out, I was undoubtedly upset, and even threatened to cancel the wedding. But he was very persistent in winning me back and we managed to talk things through and sorted it out together (or so I thought!).

He said once all the wedding is settled, he will introduce me to his kids, and will of course tell his ex-wife about me. BUT 6 months into our marriage, NOTHING has happened, and I am going out of my mind. The ex-wife and kids live a couple hundred miles away from us and he goes there every other weekend to spend time with his kids at the home where the ex-wife lives. My husband sends them money (from our joint account for both our pay checks) every month for all their expenses, including rental of the apartment where they live, as the ex-wife doesn’t work.

At first he would stay over at their apartment over the weekend, but I went nuts a few months ago telling him that I would not accept him staying under the same roof with any other woman, even though she’s the ex-wife. Since then, he said he will stay over at a friend’s place while he is there, but of course I won’t know if he’s actually done that, as I am not there to witness it.

A few months back, I saw the ex-wife texted him message that said “I love you”. I confront my husband about it, we had a huge fight. He said that he told the ex-wife he had remarried, but didn’t mention my name got into any details with her, and he insisted that the ex-wife sent that text message to create trouble. Since that incident, I get suspicious every time his phone buzzes but I have to practice huge self-control not to go through his messages as I don’t want to become that paranoid, pathologically jealous person! But I am afraid I am becoming one! Since then I have been having serious trust and anger issues that I have had to deal with ALL BY MYSELF, especially when he goes to spend time with the kids.

In any case, even though my husband constantly talks about his kids to me, he won’t tell his kids about me, and I doubt his wife knows anything about me either! He said he can’t tell them as he feels they are not ready, and he is afraid that if he tells the kids about me, then his ex-wife might go crazy and take it out on the kids, and he won’t be able to be there to protect the kids. Back when he first told me, he promised that he would introduce me to the kids on their birthdays (in June) but of course that never happened. Three weeks ago when I asked him about it, he got angry and very defensive. He said he needed more time, and accused me of not supporting him when he needs it most!

He says he only spends time with the kids and not with the ex-wife and that he can't stand her. But how can I be sure of that? And why do I have to be the non-existent person having to deal with all this by myself? I get depressed or angry or anxious or all of the above for no reason at random times. Every time I try to talk to him about it, we end up getting into huge fights, which could go on for days. It’s so very tiring, and it’s killing me. I feel backed into a corner where I can’t tell him how I feel nor take any action to even talk about it cos either way, I will lose. HELP!!
Reply Fri 23 Aug, 2013 06:08 am

You need to do some soul searching and identify for yourself what you want from your marriage. The old adage about you being the only one you can change applies here.

Your husband is who he is. He's apparently comfortable staying in his ex-wife's house in order to be with his children. You're the one who isn't comfortable with it. He's apparently comfortable keeping your existence and the fact that he's remarried away from his children. You're the one who is (understandably) uncomfortable with that.

Clearly, you had a different vision of what marriage to this man would be like than you're getting. What was that vision? How does it compare to your reality? How much of your marriage is consumed by thoughts/feelings/money/time to his former life? He is the father of two young boys. He's chosen to keep you out of their lives. You really have no control over this situation other than how you react to it.

Are you happy? Do you see yourself being happy in this marriage? If not, what changes would you need to see in order to find happiness? What is the likelihood of those things happening?
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Reply Fri 23 Aug, 2013 07:57 am
Something is VERY wrong here!!

This man could have two lives - one with them and one with you.

You must get this sorted out. Tell him next time, BOTH of you go to see the kids. Stay in a hotel. Meet this "ex" since you will be seeing each other anyway.

If he balks on this, hire a private detective, if needed. Something does not seem right, here!!!
Reply Fri 23 Aug, 2013 02:41 pm
I agree with PUNKEY - there is something very wrong here. I saw your post earlier, but felt helpless to try and reply. It all sounds very disturbing. I can't offer practical advice - but it sometimes helps to clarify matters in your own head if you talk - always someone here to listen.
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Reply Fri 23 Aug, 2013 03:57 pm
Have you talked to any other members of his family about this? what do they tell you about his relationship with his children and ex-wife?
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Reply Fri 23 Aug, 2013 09:34 pm
This seems really fishy. Are you sure he is really divorced? It is public record and you should probably look into that. I can understand being slow and gentle about introducing you to his young children, but this is a bit ridiculous. I would put my foot down. When he tries to pull the "why won't you support me" line you need to pretty much repeat what you said here about how alone you feel with dealing all of this.
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Reply Sun 30 Mar, 2014 07:20 am
Get an annulment if he won't listen to you, or accept living as someone's narcissistic supply. Your title of wife shouldn't be a fake one.
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Reply Sun 30 Mar, 2014 04:17 pm
A few thoughts:

- there are quite a few ex-wives who genuinely try their best to make their ex-husbands lives a living hell, once they find out that their ex is in a relationship

- those sort tend to try and turn the kids against their ex's. When the father lives a long way away, it's very easy for the mother to make up stories that kids will believe.

- as he lives a long way away, it would be quite easy for her to deny him access to the kids (just go away for the weekend, or have them out one a 'day trip' or any number of things). Even if she just didn't open the door to him - the redress for such tactics is long winded and difficult...which effectively means the same thing (he doesn't get to see his kids)

- he may have moved away for the above reasons - he wanted to start over but knew it would be impossible in the same town


All of that doesn't explain that he's paying his child support out of your joint accounts. Quite seriously, if he doesn't want you involved in any way in their lives, then that should include finances too.

I would suggest that if it bothers you, and can't be resolved through negotiation, that you go down to your bank and create a separate account to put your pay into. Then you can set up an automatic transfer to put money for the bills/mortgage into the joint account.

And on another negative side :

Why would she send 'I love you' to cause trouble if she doesn't know about you?

I would consider the Private Investigator if you can afford one. (though why people accept this and not snooping on computers, I will never know - PI's are much more invasive)
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Reply Mon 17 Nov, 2014 09:40 pm
I have a similar situation and I'm hoping someone can give me advice. I have been married to my husband for a year now. We have a 3 year son together. We started dating while he was still separated from his ex. .

He has not told his ex-wife or his two kids that he has with her that he is remarried. His youngest son who is five knows of me and hangs out with me and my son but he thinks I'm just daddy's friend. His mom (my MIL) knows me and loves me. (Apparently his ex wife is pretty sheltered and never made an effort to socialize with my husbands family when they were together.)

So now, little things keep happening, for instance, a few weeks ago my husband had his ex-wife on speakerphone while he went to his moms house (my mother-in-law) and they were coordinating their schedules so he could pick up their son. apparently my MIL heard her voice and said "oh is that my lovely (my name)?!" His ex said "no this is the other one" bc she heard her. and that was that. But afterwards his ex texted my husband freaking out about how messed up that was, she was so dramatic she was cussing him out and my husband texts her back "I am sorry my moms an idiot I haven't even talk to that person (me) in months."
She text him back calling out his bluff calling him a liar.
But she's the type that will not come to terms with reality until she hears it from him no matter how much she may know that he is with me as long as he keeps denying it she will want to believe that.

So basically my husband doesn't have the balls to tell his ex-wife that he's been remarried because he's afraid of hurting her feelings he doesn't want to hurt her (because while they were separated and he was dating me and that's when she decided she wanted to work on things so now she blames me for their failure in their marriage.)

Last night she sent him a picture of her (non provocative) and some YouTube links to some music videos and he wrote back telling her he loved the picture and those are good songs. The songs were love songs which I assume once meant something between them. He says he was just being polite with his reply.
So now fast forward I am upset at him again because he won't tell her he's married he keeps beating around the bush, he's hurting me and he's hurting her by not telling her the truth because she still hanging on by a thread of hope she might get him back? She's been dating other men and my husband will remind me of that to defend her actions that she is not hanging on to hope like I say . There so much to the story and I'm sorry if it's confusing but I guess I'm to the point where I don't know what to do, do I need to confront her ? do I need to tell her that he's married? I guess I should add he also tells me that I need to support him through this. He'll come back and asked me why, why is it so important that she knows ?she doesn't need to know anything because it's not her business. Why do I insist? is it for my own selfish reasons? Am I trying to hurt her more? He also says he's afraid of a woman's wrath, he's afraid of what she might do, afraid she might take the kids even though she has full custody of them. He also will tell me that his daughter isn't ready to know and if he tells his wife his wife will not keep it from their 10-year-old daughter and he's afraid that his daughter will hate him. He doesn't want his daughter to think that he left them for another family. We have been married since November 2013 and we have been together since 2009. I have never met his ex-wife nor has she ever tried to meet me
Reply Mon 17 Nov, 2014 10:32 pm
Your husband is hiding you from his ex wife for whatever reason he is not telling you. His kids are only excuses, they can cope with their dad's wife, millions of kids have step parents.

If I were in your shoes I'd tell him that he has exactly one week to tell her or you will go there and tell her. Regardless of what he says, I'd do it.

There is absolutely no reason for him to hide the fact that he's remarried, except he plays a dirty game with his ex wife and his current wife. It's about time you take the blind folds off and stop playing his game.
Reply Mon 17 Nov, 2014 11:24 pm
That's right Jane, very strange.

You've been married A YEAR, and the ex-wife doesn't know? Because it would "hurt her feelings"?

I divorced my first husband when my now husband showed back up in the picture. It was a bad, brief marriage anyway.

I didn't tell my ex-husband at the time pretty much because there were no kids, the divorce was cut and dry, and afterwards we had nothing to do with each other. I wasn't hiding it, there was just never a situation where it would come up, since I never saw him after that.

However, years later when some legal stuff came up and I had to talk to the ex-husband, I guess it never occurred to him that my life didn't stop when we divorced. He seemed nonplussed when I told him (in relation to the legal matter), that I'd been married to someone else for 7 years. Funny thing was, he was remarried too a couple of years before. My reaction was "oh (how uninteresting)"

In this case though, there's kids. I can't believe the it's daddy's friend story. I'm sure the ex heard this, and should have put 2 and 2 together. And the MIL? She hasn't said anything?

This ex is naive, dumb or both. She needs to be informed her EX husband has remarried.

He doesn't want to hurt her feelings? What about yours? You are the wife, not her.
Reply Sat 22 Nov, 2014 06:54 am
Thanks lAdies. Update:
I told my husband he had until Friday to tell his ex about me (11/21). I had already told him our marrIage wouldn't work if he thought he can put his ex wife's feelings over his wife's. The thing is she does know of me and has a good idea we're together, she just doesn't want to hear or talk about it. So He text her the Monday before that to tell her he wanted to talk. She kept calling him wanting to know what he wanted to talk about but told her to wait til Friday. Friday comes along and he calls her, he has her on speaker so I can hear. She tells him right away that she is upset and doesn't want to talk to him and she has a feeling she knows what he wants to talk about and she doesn't want to hear it but she does want to ask him this. Why has he been bringing their 5 yr old around me and our 3 year old when she specifically told him not to? She doesn't want to hear their 5 year old talk about Me or our son. She went on about that, mad at my husband. He told her he never agreed to not bringing him around us in their divorce agreement. And told her she can't dictate his life on who he will choose to be with and if he chooses to be with that person (me) that is his choice. ( I guess they refer to me as "that person" because she doesn't want to hear my name) She told him she wishes he would move away and leave them alone and that she will do EVERYTHING in her power to protect her kids. She doesn't want her kids around me or them to know they have a little brother because that is psychologically detrimental. She was beyond mad. He told her millions of kids go through this and turn out okay, and if anything their 5 yr old will be excited to know he has a little brother. She agreed but still would rather not tell him. Then she said I know what you want, you want to be able to take my kids and take them with your new family while I'm here alone and I'm not having that! He told her again she can't dictate his life and if she wants to battle with him there's is no judge in the world that will agree to keeping his kids from him because of who he married. So then she told him he was done with the conversation, she knows where this is all going and she doesn't want to talk anymore and she started crying asking why God is cursing her this way.
She makes him feel guilty and sorry for her. Then he told her he is not against her, he wants her to be happy with whatever decisions they make in the future with the kids. So he didn't get to tell her he's married but I think it's a step towards progress. I think she knows but doesn't wNt " to hear it or talk about it". She kinda lives in la la land. In her own fantasy sheltered world. Doesn't want to face reality. And it's not just me saying that, my husbands aunts all met her once or twice years Ago and they all say she is weird and sheltered. It's all about her and her Italian family on her moms side. She even works for mommy. I'm getting side tracked here but I see progress and my husband plans on talking to his daughter today Smile
Reply Sat 22 Nov, 2014 08:38 am
I'm glad for the progress. He needs to tell her he's married. It is not healthy for him to have to keep your marriage a secret. Why should his child not have the right to know she's a sibling? His ex doesn't have the right to keep this to herself. It is selfish (beyond my comprehension), weird and maladaptive. Your husband needs to get over this fear his ex will turn his child against him. I think it's healthier for the child to know you are married and he/she is a big brother/sister.
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Reply Sun 23 Nov, 2014 07:49 pm
I am glad as well that your husband finally realizes who he's committed to and whose side he's on.
I assume he has some sort of custody agreement via family court worked out with his ex wife to see his children and have them for weekends and/or holidays. Knowing that his ex wife doesn't want the kids around you, doesn't make it any easier, but she has no right to withhold the kids from their father just because she's sitting alone at home and jealous. Millions of kids have step parents and it works.

It's a great tragedy when one parent denies kids to see the other parent.
Kids deserve to see both parents!

As for your marriage, I think it's a good step into the right direction!
I wish you all the best!
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Reply Fri 12 May, 2017 03:00 am
Hi. I have been married for 6 years. My husband has grown up kids-(26.24) . They never met me, as they think I'm the main reason their parents got divorced ( it's not- we never had an affair and they had issues in the past that exploded when he met me - as a friend. But i wasn't his lover). Once I answered the phone, and his son just went ballistic on him- saying he doesn't want to hear the voice of "this slut" ever again. And it's been 6 years already. He doesn't talk about me and they never visited here. He is afraid to Lose contact with them. I guess most of the time I'm fine, but every time they get together I feel such a rage. Why do I feel like a dirty secret? Like I'm the "mistress" and not his legal wife for 6 years??!! I try confronting him about this but he says that since I have Neve been​ a parent, I don't know how scary it is to lose your children. What would you do?
Reply Fri 12 May, 2017 06:20 am
I've never been a parent either, but I recognize controlling behavior when I see it. Your husband has decided he would rather let his kids walk all over him and insult his wife rather than lose them or even tell them they're outta line.

They are grownups and should be told their behavior is unacceptable. They don't have to love you but he has every right (and I believe a duty as well) to confront them and insist on a baseline of common courtesy.
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