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Thu 22 Aug, 2013 12:30 pm
When I first started dating my partner, I was aware that he had only recently (4 months or so) come out of a serious relationship, however, I wasn't particularly jealous or paranoid that this could affect our relationship as I'm not that kind of person and he had given me no reason to.
6 or 7 months later his Facebook was open on my computer and his ex flashed up on chat ( he wasn't in the room), what she had sent was just a simple 'hello' however, the last conversation they had had was still above and it caught my eye as it was discussing how it had been a mistake to sleep together. I looked at the date and it was about 2 months after we had been dating during a period I had been away travelling and when things had been very casual between the two of us. Understandably I was quite upset as by then we had gotten quite serious, but I pretended I hadn't seen the screen when he came back in the room as I didn't know how to react. Their previous conversation had disappeared when I next looked over his shoulder.
I took several weeks to talk to close friends to gage their opinion and the general consensus was that it had happened before we were really serious and it was doubtful to happen again from the sounds of their conversation (which was mostly him saying how he had really regretted it). I honestly felt like if he was in a situation like that again, he wouldn't sleep with her, and not wanting to appear like I had gone through his Facebook, I kept it to myself and carried on with him. I gave him several opportunities to tell me the truth by asking if he had hooked up with anyone while we were dating and he has always lied about it saying no, I even said that it wouldn't bother me but he has still denied it so for a long time so I just let it go. His ex lived further away and they rarely spoke so I had no reason to think about her.
Two years later and we're still together, however, last week his ex was in town and they, along with some old friends, were all going out for drinks (I joined after work). When I got there, they had barely stopped talking- in fact he ignored me for most of the night. I received bad news earlier as well, so didn't really feel in the drinking spirit like all of them. He kept saying he was going to take me home soon as he knew I was a little bit down, but he just kept getting more drinks and tried to ignore my gaze and all I could feel was this horrible jealousy unlike anything I've felt before. His ex was incredibly nice to me and I acted nice to her but I just couldn't help remember how he had slept with her whilst being with me and it made me feel angry towards her. Nothing happened between them as we left together and he apologised for 'being a **** boyfriend' for not taking me home earlier, but I've recently heard she's moving back to town and I'm not sure I can cope with it, especially because he's kept them sleeping together a secret so long- I just want it to be out in the open but I have no idea how I can get him to tell me the truth and thus comfort me in the knowledge that it won't happen again?
Like I said I'm not a jealous person and I hate feeling like this- I don't want us to break up I just don't want our relationship to have any lies.
My advice is to let it go. No good will come from a confrontation about this. He will just think you're jealous, suspicious, sneaky and passive aggressive.
@mogvu8,
He's still with you after two years - if there was anything between them still, why didn't he break up with you and get back with her during that time?
How long was your partner with this other woman? If they were together for a long time, then they are bound to have shared memories and shared friends in common - it's quite natural they'd have a lot of catching up to do. Why did he exclude you from the conversation - was it because of your attitude when you were in the other woman's presence? If you were sullen and noncommital, and wanted to go home all evening, he may have felt you were just out to spoil what, hopefully, was just a reunion of old friends.
Carrying on trying to force him to tell you whether he slept with her or not - over two years ago - is going to destroy your relationship. He hasn't slept with her again since that time - be satisfied with that, or you'll drive him away from you. You say you aren't a jealous person - prove it. Drop the inquisition and enjoy whatever it is that's kept you two together or so long.
I thought you said that they slept together BEFORE you two were really together (exclusive)
OR -
Are you saying that he was having sex with both of you AT THAT SAME TIME?
Answer that and maybe I can see this straight. (Otherwise I don't see what you are so upset about.)
@mogvu8,
You don't confront him. You walk away. Plenty of fish in the sea, some of them might even treat you decently.
@mogvu8,
If you are interested in preserving the relationship, I think you should bring it us, but not in a jealous "I blame you for this" kind of way. Do it casually and just discuss the real problem here: that you feel insecure about her moving to town because secretly you're afraid that she might become an obstacle in your relationship.
@mogvu8,
No need to confront your boyfriend about that. Don't listen his explanation anymore. Leave him right away. There is no reason to slept with her ex anymore.
@bryancullen142,
4 months after a serious long term relationship bust up, you find him, and 2 months in from that you travel away...he sleeps with his ex...and then realises he made a mistake...
...and he managed to stay on the straight and narrow for 2 years ever since....
Damn, but most of us are human, with many conflicting emotions, and often in these circumstances - a great deal of confusion.
Consider that most would consider you a rebound at that stage. Many would wonder if the old relationship is fully finalised (often people try to get back together, sometimes for a while afterwards). What did he truly consider you to be at that stage? What were his true emotions? Was he at all confused about what he wanted?
That by the way is not excusing what he did...just saying there are many sides to consider. In the end, you need to respect your feelings, and do what you think is right by both you, and the relationship...I'd say 'and him too'...but that is likely a whole conversation just by itself.
Every ex gf, at some point, tests her ex bf, to see if what they had at some point, was real.
Without exception, every guy who ever loved a girl, sleeps with her at least one last time, before truly settling down with a new love, regardless of how he feels about his new love. After that, he regrets it, and realises why his ex is his ex, then he moves on.
He tells no-one of this event, not even his best friend, it is never spoken of.
New love's, should never concentrate on this, be concerned by this, or even remember this exists. It happens, end of, forget about it, you'll do the same when you're the ex, I assure you.
After this is done, if he is still yours, then he is yours for ever, forget his past, your past, and look to the future.
@Confud,
Now there's a generalization built out of air.
How do I confront my boyfriend about him sleeping with his ex?
Shotgun . . . you'll get his attention right away, and have his undivided attention.
The way to confront your partner sleeping with his "ex" is with you sleeping with your "new"...
@mogvu8,
With asking him the Truth .. that is all you need to hear NO More and No Less , Wishing you God Luck
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