depressive lover and mixed signals please help

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Hi everyone.

Please bear with me for a bit. I know it is long. It is my first post and I don't know where to turn

The situation is very strange. The man in question is a friend of a friend. We met in March and he was not supposed to be anything but a fling, an one night stand even. I was fine with this. The sex was mindblowing. In fact we spent the next two days in bed speaking and, well other things too. We really connected. He asked for my number and told me his life is complicated and he needs a few weeks time but he definitely wanted to see me again. I told him it would be awesome but only if he wanted to (I heard the its complicated story before) He didn't call.

I ran into him at an exhibition almost 3 months ago. I thought it was accidental. Soon afterward he confessed he had engineered the whole thing making sure our common friend brought me there. He tried to call me it seems but he had written the number wrong.

So, ever since we have been joined to the hip. He said we should take it easy physically in order to really get to know each other and I agreed. I never initiated anything at all. All effort comes from him. We reached a point when he called me constantly, obsessively even. We got really close. He was not lying about his life being complicated (looooong story). As a result he is suffering from severe depression. That did not stop him from being romantic as hell, cooking candlelit dinners and playing romantic music, he met all my friends and gazes into my eyes non stop. Things progressed and we had sex again about a month ago. Only he seemed very disturbed afterward believing he wasn't good enough (to be fair it was not spectacular like before but of course I never hinted that he was anything but wonderful). He even said he hated himself for dissapointing me in the sack (completely in his head, I was happy)

Since then he has been Jekyll and Hyde with me. Sometimes he shuts everyone out including his own mother and I am the only one he allows near. Sometimes he takes me on spontaneous road trips and I believe the world is upright again. Last week it got creepy. While we were sleeping together (no sex involved, he hasn't touched me sexually since the last time) he was holding on to me so tight I could hardly breathe. At some point he woke me up in the middle of the night shaking me and frightening me. He said "I love you so much I don't know what I will do if you ever leave me". He gave me a bruise (he was not violent)I believe he has no recollection of the incident as I tried to bring it up and he said he is sleepwalking and talking in his sleep. I haven't told himabout it.

The very next day he came over to mine and at the end of the night he said he was going home. He dropped the bombcell that he isn't falling for me and it bothers him because he thought he would by now. He thinks sex will hurt me and said since I am close to him he is masturbating several times a day to ease the tension. BUT his clingy behavior only got worse. By now his mom is imploring me not to abandon her son. Things came to a nasty climax on Saturday. He actually came to find me at a private party he was not invited to. He kept texting and calling throughout the day. We left together and went dancing. We danced and kissed (everything initiated by him). Then I went to the toilet and in the mean time he sent me a text saying "We will not become a couple but you mean so much to me. I don't want to lose you."

Of course a very unpleasant conversation ensued ending up with me in tears, him kissing me again and me running away. He called the moment I reached home, at 6 in the morning and once again admitted that what we are having is not a friendship and that he has feelings for me (on his own accord I mainly listened - maybe I shouldn't have picked up). My constant position is that if he wants out the door is open any time. I am not holding him against his will. I also said I am not interested in forcing him to love me but I am not getting what I want (mainly peace of mind, affection, security. I get A LOT of attention but none of the good things a girlfriend should enjoy. He is basically sharing his entire life with me at this point and what do I get?).

Now he is being weird again. The next day he called me a total of 11 times and spent more than 2 hours on the phone with me when I eventually picked up. Then nothing for a day, then 5 calls yesterday and today nothing again (and I do not feel secure enough to call him myself or initiate anything at all).

He wants to meet and talk it over.

The problem is, I am in love with him. And I believe that he is worth it (I know I mention only the wacky stuff now but the guy is a gem whose illness is taking its toll). I also believe he has some serious feelings for me but maybe I am wrong. All I know is that even if it hurts I will not settle for a therapist/best buddy or something like that and watch him walk into the sunset with the next girl that abuses him. It is not enough. I just hate ultimatums (love me or I am out) so I can't force his hand. I just booked a holiday and was thinking to suggest we don't speak in the mean time so that each of us can think things through. Is this wrong? Have I already lost him?

I would really really appreciate input. I am holding strong but (laugh if you may) I was really convinced he was the one. And that never happened to me before. So if there is anything I can do to salvage things without either of us getting hurt I would do it in a heartbeat.

Sorry for the long post

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[+4] - jespah - 07/25/2013Hi and welcome to A2K. I think he's depressed (you're correct about that), and I seriously doubt he is getting some sort of therapy or medical treatment. Which he needs, pretty damned...

You need to get out of the bed and onto the couch where you and he can sit down and have a conversation about his erratic, manic-depressive, controling behavior. (YES, dear, it is all that - read your post again)

Is he on medication? Is he working a job? does he live with his mother - why is she involved in all this? How does he support himself? Why is he so needy and then pushes you away? does his "stalking" you when you are on your own time bother you?

And for you - WHY do you think you "love" this guy? Is it the sex? Do you think you can fix him, love him enough that he will get better? Do you need a "project?'

Please see this for what it is. This fellow has immense issues and he is pulling you into his life.

Don't you want a strong, confident, emotionally secure, steady, financially secure, drama-free, generous, sexually healthy, humorous man? This dude is none of that, from your description.

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Hi and welcome to A2K.

I think he's depressed (you're correct about that), and I seriously doubt he is getting some sort of therapy or medical treatment. Which he needs, pretty damned desperately.

This love me or else nonsense is an ultimatum. By him (and his mother, too, truth be told). The guy's behavior is already obsessive and stalkerish. He hugged you so hard you couldn't breathe? Trust me, honey, he had to have had some sort of inkling that he was doing that. And you do not need to just sit there and take that kinda crap.

Truly, the best thing you can do for this guy is to insist that he get some help. You are right to not want to be his therapist; insist that a professional be consulted. If he makes more ultimatums, tell him you're recommending this out of love, that you refuse to continue enabling his illness. Because that is what his mother is doing and he is trying to have you do with him.

He is ill. He needs a doctor, just as surely as he would if he had broken his leg.

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@PUNKEY,

Thanks for answering Punkey! It really means a lot. And your questions help too. So, to answer, No, he is not on medication. We talked about seeing a therapist, he said he would but never did. As for employment, he used to be quite successful actually, owned a chain of delis. It was his baby, he loved his business. It went under and everything he owns is tied up in various law suits. He does not live with his mother. She is fighting cancer at the time. She is a single parent and her illness is one of the reasons for his condition. She is a very sweet lady and only got involved because when he gets into a dark mood he doesn't even talk to her so she was forced to seek me out when she had no news of him for a week. That's how we met.
As to why I love him. It is certainly not the sex. We are hardly ever having any. But thank you for asking because I got to remember the good stuff too. So, he is kind, caring, intelligent and when he is not in a dark hole he has so much passion inside of him. We can talk for hours and we never run out of things to say. It is not so much that I am bothered by the stalkerish thing but I definitely think it is unhealthy. I am seeing him tonight and hope to clarify a couple of things.
Once again thanks a bunch for the helpful answer

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@jespah,

Hi Jespah
Thank you for the welcome and for your answer. I actually thought both your answers were super kind and helpful. Therapy was suggested. I am seeing him tonight and hoping to clarify a few things. Thanks for not telling me to write him off. While that may have had merits as an advice it is very hard to do at this point. And with my holiday around the corner there is no reason to do anything drastic other than point out the issues that exist and the fact that something needs to be done. I am thinking, depending on how things develop, of kind of making it a condition that he should see a therapist at least once before anything else can happen between us. I need to think about everything. But you were right in everything you said. It is not pleasant to read but it is the truth.
Once again cheers!

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@ditzypenguine,

Just home now. I broke it off with him. It was the hardest breakup in my life (I know the "relationship" part was murky but we both called it a breakup), and the lenghtiest (12 hours of attempts to persuade me otherwise and other emotional stuff). He was holding on to me for dear life at the door, it was heartbreaking. I am exhausted :-( A lot of things were said, including the l word. I know he is hugely messed up and that doesn't change. Still, he is the kindest, most wonderful and warm hearted man and I don't think my love was misplaced and I can't bring myself to regret giving it. I really really really hope he gets help but I can't fix him. I love him very much but I guess I love me more. I am heartbroken :-(

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Oy. I think you did the right thing.

And the best thing you said here is that you love yourself more. Relationships can be fixer uppers, but not this much. I do hope that he gets the help that he needs.

And hang in there - his behavior was absolutely designed to make you feel like crap, but once the dust settles, I think you'll see just how manipulative the 12 hour long breakup behavior really was.

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@jespah,

I know it was the right thing to do. It was so much less than I deserve. The breakup itself was exhausting. Thanks for your words. I really need the support right now. I feel very empty and I know it will get way way worse. I miss him already. Last time I was in love was 9 years ago so to me he was a pretty big deal. I can't imagine being over him any time soon but I have to try.

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@ditzypenguine,

He sounds like a male version of borderline personality disorder (BPD). In short, they are worse then bipolar or even social personality disorder! They are very moody, clingy, manipulative, cranky, creepy, attention seekers, and are driven by their fear of abandonment and lack of personal identity. A person with bipolar changes moods in cycles, usually lasting at least a few days up to a few weeks. Some one with BPD changes moods in minutes! My advice, run and don't look back!

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Ditzypenguine wrote:

Quote:

..The breakup itself was exhausting..

I prefer the short sharp quick break myself, for example I once split with a woman late one Christmas Eve with the words "This is not working out, goodbye", and walked 3 miles home. She must have agreed because she never tried to stop me.
The clean break felt GOOD because I realised I'd been just kidding myself all this time by hoping the relationship would work out even though we had very little in common.
Like you, I'd given it my best shot but now that i'd ended it I felt a great weight lifted from my shoulders and I could put her behind me and get on with my life.. Smile

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@Romeo Fabulini,

this is very sad to hear just forgot about her and think about yourself

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Yes, Nurse Christine Chappell in Star Trek was always my number one gal anyway. Problem is she's only got eyes for Spock even though he don't want her, huh there's vulcans for you

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depressive lover and mixed signals please help

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