Dating a flaky friend - advice?

Reply Mon 22 Jul, 2013 09:49 pm
So I have started seeing an old friend of mine and I can't tell what's going on right now and need advice.
I'll start from the beginning really. I met him and his friends years ago and I usually see them once or twice a year and keep in contact briefly over the internet. We have always lived a slight distance from one another and have never been close friends.
When we first met, he was in a serious relationship but kissed me (i didnt know he was taken at the time and he was having trouble with her at the time). We didnt really make anything of this kiss in all honesty - it wasnt anything.
We kissed again about a year later when he was still taken and having trouble with the same girl but we were under the influence of alcohol and again, it really meant nothing to us at the time and we forgot about it. Both kisses were more of a drunken, seeking comfort thing.
I was then in a committed and serious relationship for years and we never got ourself into any position of closeness or romantic feelings or anything. We were just distant friends.
So now we have come to a point in our life where we are both single at the same time. There was brief and friendly flirting on the internet for a short while before we found ourselves in each others company once more where we inevitably got together.
He lives a slight distance so it's not like we could arrange meeting up all the time to start dating properly. But the distance isnt really an issue and i went to visit him after a couple weeks. We had a great time and it wasnt actually awkward considering.
Now theres the problem. He is trying to find time to visit me but as it is the summer and he is adventurous, he has lots of plans and is finding it hard to find time and hasnt even suggested a date and its been a couple more weeks since I last seen him.
Now before you think 'run a mile, he is just using you as an when needed' - that really isnt the case. He is a friend so he wouldnt do that, and he is known to be really bad at making plans and is incredibly flaky with his best friends, let alone a girl he likes. It can take weeks for a best friend to even get a response off him for something. Plus he genuinely has bad phone signal where he lives and it takes days sometimes for messages to get through - I have even witnessed this being true.
I knew it would be hard to find time to see one another, and tbh I am after something slow paced after coming out of a long relationship - but I dont know what to do for the next step really.
To sum up: He has bad signal, lives a distance and has lots of plans coming up with no free time (all of which are proven and genuine reasons) and he isnt suggesting a specific time when he is finally free - even weeks from now.
I will also add that when we finally got together, he told me he's liked me from the moment he met me all those years ago. I know he also hadnt cheated or kissed anyone else during his time with that ex gf (im his friend so I know this to be true).
And one more mention - he still speaks to me and we have general chit chat and flirting and he still mentions 'owing me a visit' over texts and stuff.
Now I don't know what to do to move this forward or find out what's really going on. It's too soon to be asking what he wants out of us - might come across as being needy or wanting a commitment too soon, when that isnt the case. I just want to know if he only sees this as a bit of fun from time to time, or whether he is interested in seeing me slowly over time in a more romantic way.
I've been used before so I know the difference and know he is being genuine and is still interested in seeing me (for w/e reason he wants to see me) - I just don't know what my next move should be or whether this is going to be worth it.
So maybe a final summary to conclude this long tale: He is flaky, never good at making decisions, a bit of a last minute harry, is interested in me, cant find time for me but still mentions seeing me.
I have tried to give him a nudge into letting me know whats going on and when he may be free but he doesnt actually know the answer to that so there is nothing more I can ask or do for now.
Shall I wait this out and see what happens or just ask and risk coming across all wrong?
Normally I would wait it out and see, it makes the most sense BUT I actually have a couple of guys asking to date me right now, and they are nice guys. I'm not into dating more than one person at a time and I do really like the friend I am seeing so I have said no to the other people. But I feel like I am missing other opportunities whilst being stuck in this limbo.
Help please?
Reply Mon 22 Jul, 2013 11:01 pm
Don't make serious plans right now, he is too easily distracted. Date the guys who have expressed an interest if you are interested. You don't have to plan a life together wit anyone until it clicks. I was deeply in love with my first husband, but he became an abusive spouse, interested only in himself and other women. Gradually I just lost respect for him, and you can't maintain a marriage with a man you don't respect. I'll spare you the details of what he did to finally ruin the marriage, but the night I left with my young son was the best night I had in 4 years. I felt like a huge weight was lifted.

Cut to the chase, I knew I would never ever get married again, I never got lonely or ran out of men who were interested. Some were nice, some were inappropriate, but when I laid eyes on mr. glitterbag everything changed. We fit together like a hand in a glove. He raised my son as his own and we have had a great life.

This isn't really about my life lessons, but for you, if you're available when mr. Flakey wants to see you, go if you want to. But don't let moss grow on you. He may enjoy the whole Peter Pan persona, but don't put your life on hold. See as many people as you like, learn about the differences, avoid the guys with jealousy issues or those easy to anger. Do this for yourself because you deserve to have a full and enjoyable life. Good luck and keep your options open.
Reply Tue 23 Jul, 2013 06:21 am
If he were interested, believe me, he would be beating a path to your door.

So what's wrong? Perhaps he's ADD and can't hold a thought from one end of the room to the other. Or he's involved with someone else. Or he truly does not have time for a lady in his life right now. (career building, school?)

From what you have described, he is unable to get organized to pay attention to you. Do you really want to be in a relationship where you feel exasperated all the time?

Beware of these Peter Pan types of men. They will drive you crazy.

Reply Tue 23 Jul, 2013 09:50 am
What Punky said.
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Reply Tue 23 Jul, 2013 07:58 pm
thanks, you have some good advice there and it was what I needed to hear Smile
I should add that this guy is a gentleman and very thoughtful when I am actually in his company - so he isn't particularly selfish or self-involved. We also click and get along very well together and I do believe we want the same sort of slow-paced relationship atm.
I've decided to wait to see what he says to me next, suggest a time to see one another and if that doesn't stick, then I am just going to move on from him and see other people. As you said, if and when he happens to want to see me and i'm ok with this, then I will but I'm not waiting around for it or missing out on other opportunities in the mean time.
If we come to a position where we are in each others company again, I will then try and find out what he intends with me so everything is clear and in the open - if he wants something, then great - but I will let him know I wont stand to be messed around.
Reply Tue 23 Jul, 2013 08:10 pm
My view, which will sound cold but is not meant so, is stop it. You are living in a fantasy world. Most of us have been there.

But, those kind of fantasy worlds, if they come to pass, start to involve real life, and all the loveliness can melt away close to immediately.

You want to find out what he intends with you?

Reply Tue 23 Jul, 2013 08:27 pm
I know what you are saying, but believe me, I am not looking at this situation with love-tinted spectacles.
As I said, if he is still being aloof the next time we speak - I'll be moving on and not bothering again. There is only so much a woman can put up with before she knows that it just isnt worth the effort.
And by his intent, I mean just finding out whether he wants to date me or if he just sees it as a bit of casual comfort when he's available (in which case I'll also be moving on from him).
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Reply Tue 23 Jul, 2013 08:34 pm
jennibob wrote:

Normally I would wait it out and see, it makes the most sense BUT I actually have a couple of guys asking to date me right now, and they are nice guys. I'm not into dating more than one person at a time and I do really like the friend I am seeing so I have said no to the other people. But I feel like I am missing other opportunities whilst being stuck in this limbo.
Help please?

so date each of those other guys one at a time while you're in this limbo you think you're in

there's no need to wait around. he hasn't indicated he's interested in making a commitment to you. he might maybe perhaps be interested in dating you sometime.

date someone else.

it's no big deal.

dating isn't making a lifetime commitment. it's dating.
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