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New Relationship with Best Friend & I'm Not Sexually/Physically Attracted To Him

 
 
Reply Tue 9 Jul, 2013 12:14 pm
I have been dating my best guy friend for almost 3 months. He has the biggest heart, is such a great person, and is completely in love with me. He treats me better than anyone could ever imagine & does anything for me. We are nearly perfect for each other because we have the same personality and before dating we always had a great time together. Before dating we would talk on the phone for hours and hang out all the time. He wanted more out of it for a while but I always turned down the thought because I didnt want to risk our friendship and those around us. I also knew I wasnt ready to jump back into the relationship scene. I also wasnt attracted to him in a physical or sexual sense. He continued to push the subject & finally it came down to him saying that he could no longer be friends with me in the same way because his feelings for me were too strong. That hurt me and I couldnt deal with not having him in my life. So I agreed to a relationship. Things were okay between us for the first month. I have been hesistant about the whole thing from the beginning and now I find myself confused and going back and forth with not knowing whether to end it or stay with him. I know that I cant handle him not being a part of my life but I doubt he will stick around as a friend after all this. I am not sure if ending it is really and truley what I want to do either. I am 4'11 and 114 lbs and he is 6'3 and 250 lbs, I am not attracted to him in the way that I should be. Its to the point where I dread kissing him or having sex. He is not the type of guy I would ever go for just going off of appearance. I feel very shallow because he is a great catch and would give me the world but I dont know how to overcome this. I contantly find myself looking at other guys and I know it is wrong. I am not in the relationship 100%. I cannot bear the thought of hurting him though and I know if I were to leave it would crush him. He has been single for 7 years after his ex did him very wrong. He has only loved 1 other person his whole life and he is 33. ( I also am only 25) It brings me to tears to think of leaving or hurting him but I dont understand why I feel the way I do towards the relationship. I know that it would hurt me to see him with someone else but I know I cannot be selfish. I do not know what to do at this point and I need advice. I cannot bear breaking his heart or losing him in my life as a friend at least but the way I feel towards him and how distant I am being is not fair to him.
 
tsarstepan
 
  1  
Reply Tue 9 Jul, 2013 12:26 pm
@julyva25,
Can't offer any advice but I'm interested in what others have to say as I'm in a quasisimilar situation but being the opposite party in this equation.
0 Replies
 
engineer
 
  4  
Reply Tue 9 Jul, 2013 12:30 pm
@julyva25,
Everyone is not attracted to everyone else. If you really aren't attracted to him, then he can still be a great friend, but he's not the guy for you. You've given him a fair chance, you owe it to yourself and to him to let him go.
julyva25
 
  1  
Reply Tue 9 Jul, 2013 12:39 pm
@engineer,
Thats one of the problems, he will not remain my friend after all this. He has already said that he wouldnt be able to do that and that hurts me to think I wont have him in my life in some aspect. I know that is selfish but he is a very important person to me.
engineer
 
  5  
Reply Tue 9 Jul, 2013 01:06 pm
@julyva25,
So he's being honest with you on the one hand, but he's also emotionally blackmailing you. Having a romantic relationship with someone because you don't want to lose his friendship seems like a terrible reason.
tsarstepan
 
  3  
Reply Tue 9 Jul, 2013 01:10 pm
@julyva25,
Quote:
[H]e will not remain my friend after all this.

Then it's time to leave him behind. If he's too immature to accept that right now that there isn't any chemistry of that type between you two then you're only hurting both of you if you keep this broken relationship together.

In my own situation, I wish I had the opportunity to at least remain friends. Not an option right now.

Remember trust is important in friendship and beyond. If you try to keep this thing going then you'll always be questioning his social motives while he'll continue trying to dive further into the relationship beyond friendship if friendship isn't an acceptable option. Everyone's feelings will remain hurt. Nothing will be gained on either side. That's a lose/lose situation in my eyes.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  5  
Reply Tue 9 Jul, 2013 01:13 pm
I agree with Engineer.

You can't throw yourself under the bus for the sake of another's feelings. That is so demeaning for him and self sacrificing for yourself.

Get up the courage to let this guy go - romantically.

Don't expect to start up the "best friend" level of friendship from him. He has already told you he wants more - and talked you into it. Shame on him and shame on you for lying to him about how you feel. You did him a disservice by pretending it could be more than just friends.

Release him and set both of you free.
0 Replies
 
joefromchicago
 
  5  
Reply Tue 9 Jul, 2013 03:07 pm
@engineer,
engineer wrote:

So he's being honest with you on the one hand, but he's also emotionally blackmailing you.

Well, maybe yes, maybe no. We don't know all the circumstances here. It could be that he is using the threat of ending the friendship as a kind of blackmail to get the relationship that he wants. On the other hand, it could be that he's being honest in saying that he has reached a point where he either has to move forward with a relationship or move on. I wouldn't be so hasty as to conclude that it's the former.

engineer wrote:
Having a romantic relationship with someone because you don't want to lose his friendship seems like a terrible reason.
I agree with that.

Julyva25, you will need to determine for yourself what is more valuable - a genuine relationship with someone you love, or a place-holder relationship with someone who's good enough until someone better comes along. I suggest, for your sake as well as your friend's, that you end this relationship now before you risk additional (and inevitable) emotional torment later.
Ragman
 
  2  
Reply Tue 9 Jul, 2013 03:37 pm
@julyva25,
So in a sense you should realize that he's blackmailing you into having a romantic relationship? If you don't do what HE wants and what HE thinks should happen, he will cancel the relationship. That's not a real relationship, that's about control. If a relationship isn't a 2-way street, what ias the sense of being in it? It is doomed.

{Edit: I see that Engineer and I are on same page.}
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Tue 9 Jul, 2013 06:24 pm
@Ragman,
Meantime, did I read he is 33? Being 33 and not savvy about relationships is not the end of the world, and being 33 and too savvy isn't either, but there are differences.

My take on this is that your fellow has little perspective, quite possibly not his own fault. I've no idea how to clue him in. I, finally, do not think this is something you need to fix, except that you carried him along when you didn't mean it, which is basically mean. Stop that.


Ooh, not directed to you, rags.
0 Replies
 
julyva25
 
  1  
Reply Tue 9 Jul, 2013 08:14 pm
@joefromchicago,
Thank you for your perspective. And yes it is about him being honest with saying he had reached a point where he needed to move on if I wasn't ready to be committed to him. I do not want to continue pulling him along, hurting him hurts me. Your advice has helped a great deal.
joefromchicago
 
  3  
Reply Wed 10 Jul, 2013 05:56 am
@julyva25,
It is widely acknowledged that I give the best relationship advice on this site.
0 Replies
 
BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Jul, 2013 09:06 am
@Ragman,
Quote:
that he's blackmailing you into having a romantic relationship? If you don't do what HE wants and what HE thinks should happen, he will cancel the relationship. That's not a real relationship, that's about control. If a relationship isn't a 2-way street, what ias the sense of being in it? It is doomed.


Sorry but to me he have every right in this world to declare he is not a bit interested in being just a friend.

Acting as a boyfriend in being on call 24/7 to meet a woman needs while she is shutting you out of having a romance and sexual relationship as you are just friends while she is having such relationships with others that are doing far less for her get damn old in a damn short time.

I can only hope that he had the backbone to indeed walk away from this relationship and find a woman who will indeed will offer him the total package.

Friendship alone is fine only if that the limit that both parties are happy with and if it is not then the faster the person who what more walk away from it the better and the less likely he or she will feel used and bitter toward the other party.
0 Replies
 
BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Jul, 2013 10:01 am
@julyva25,
Quote:
I also wasnt attracted to him in a physical or sexual sense.


I remember very vaguely that when I first met my now wife in 1985 I was not impressed with her looks but strangely enough within days that was no longer true and now even with 28 years of aging she still take my breathe away.

So for myself I can not see how you can hold him in such high regards and yet not be attracted to him in a physical/sexual way but to each his or her own.
0 Replies
 
neologist
 
  1  
Reply Thu 11 Jul, 2013 12:18 am
Just an observation after 7 decades of observation: It seems impossible for two people of opposite sex to associate regularly and remain just friends. One person almost always, IMO, will seek to advance the relationship beyond what the other had in mind.
0 Replies
 
 

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