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Fri 5 Jul, 2013 01:04 pm
A maternal cousin found a bunch of my mother's professional and personal memorabilia from Scotland, Massachusetts and Ohio and sent it along to me. She was an incredible vocal soloist, graduate of New England Conservatory Of Music and on her way to a great career 'til she got knocked up by my prick of a sire and I put paid to her career. One would think, looking over these things I would have felt something. Sadness, fondness, missing her, or maybe anger over my own childhood. I felt nothing. I no longer hate my father, I feel nothing for him either. Unless I'm shown a picture of my mom, father, grandparents, any dead relative, I can't remember what they look like. Oddly, I feel sorry and badly abut that, but only fleetingly when something triggers a memory. I have practically no distinct memories of my childhood either, and none of the ones I retain are good, but I don't have bad feelings associated them. I only feel vaguely bad that I have no strong feelings if that makes sense.
I'm not having a pity party or looking for sympathy, don't get the wrong idea, just writing down my thoughts and putting them out there as I am inclined to do
They say that the older one gets, the less important our childhood becomes.
Live for today. Love for today.
@blueveinedthrobber,
Sounds to me like you're finally growing up, Bear.
Congratulations. Yesterdays have no more meaning than what you choose to endow them with.
@blueveinedthrobber,
blueveinedthrobber wrote:
I only feel vaguely bad that I have no strong feelings
I too used to feel anger....then I felt like you said above, for a long time....which was ok.
Now I don't even feel that. In other words, I think I get what you mean, as much as any one person can understand another.
Definatley less as less attached as I move along.
As we age we come to peace with ourselves. I am as serene as it is possible for me to get. But there is a big difference for me as compared with all or most of you. As long as the trauma continues to exert itself the anger cannot go away. When I engage in simple everyday activities it often overwhelms me, triggered by seemingly insignificant factors. I can go from being self confident and assertive to a blithering dope in an instant. The isolation and yearning hide in the wings, always. I have learned how to rebound these days and that is one positive gained in my older age. I used to respond by walking out to the road and sticking out my thumb.
@Lustig Andrei,
Lustig Andrei wrote:
Sounds to me like you're finally growing up, Bear.
Congratulations. Yesterdays have no more meaning than what you choose to endow them with.
never . Old maybe, up never
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