I want to fully love my gf, but having trouble

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I (male) have been in a 2 year LDR with a woman who i love very much. She certainly loves me and she wants us to move in together. I didn't think it would get as serious as it has gotten. I never thought I would love her as much as I do. I am ready to move to where she is except the problem is that I'm not sure if I am physically attracted to her. It makes me feel horrible that I feel this way, because I always thought that looks didn't matter to me, but I've come to realize they do.

We've visited each other a total of six times in the last two years. We've had sex everyday that we've seen each other. She makes me feel comfortable and accepting of who I am. Our communication could not be better than what it is (something that I haven't had in a previous relationship). I could go on with more great qualities about her, but I can't get over the physical part of all this. Maybe I am shallow, maybe I have standards, I don't know. But the fact that she is overweight, does not get me excited to be around her anymore.

In the beginning, I'd thought I'd give it a try since I've never been with an overweight girl. We did break up for about a month and all I could do was think about her the whole time. I talked to everyone I could about the problem I was having, and I decided that looks don't matter that much. So I pleaded that I still loved her and we got back together. But it's coming around full-circle and I keep thinking that this relationship is just temporary. I keep thinking that I can convince myself that looks don't matter since I love her personality so much, but it hasn't happened.

I need help. I do not know what to do. I feel like I can not make this decision for myself. I am so torn, and I have cried through this the whole time. I seriously want to fully love her, but this is in the way. If anyone has any advice, please let me know.

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Type: Question • Score: 8 • Views: 1,102 • Replies: 19

@applejam,

Shallow Hal, is that you?

1 Reply

@Ragman,

Are you talking about the movie? If so, I have not seen it.

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@applejam,

Well weight can be change and for health reason along it should be change if possible.

Try getting her to go on long walks with you or go to the gym or bike ride and improved both of your heaths.

By the way you could end up marrying someone who body is perfect and then end up with a woman you do not care as must for that is even heavier then your current love.

Do not made your love a condition of her losing weight but I see nothing wrong with encouraging her to do things with you that would cause her to lose some weight.

I am sure being married that there is a list of things she will be giving you that she would like to see change also...............

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So - if she lost weight, that would turn you on and then you would want to move in with her?

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My long term girlfriend (10 years now) is thin but she could weight a ton it would not change what I feel for her...I just need to look at her smiling eyes looking back at me to be completely out of my head...either you don't like so much her personality has you say you do or you are shallow indeed...anyway don't lie to her...if she is important try to get her to loose weight.

1 Reply

@PUNKEY,

Yes, I feel I'd be more attracted to her and I'd want to be with her. She is soooooo important to me.

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@Fil Albuquerque,

Just as I reply to the poster above, she is incredibly important to me. I am going to ask her to try to commit to eating better and exercising. I love her very much and I don't want to leave her.

1 Reply

@applejam,

That's the completely wrong way to approach it if you are sincere in saying she is important to you.

Be supportive, encouraging and loving. Go grocery shopping with her and help her make good food choices. Prepare some healthy meals together. Be an exercise companion, but don't expect her to be able to keep up with you, you'll have to adjust yourself to her capability until she gets stronger. Maybe plan a picnic lunch for the weekend that involves a good walk to your destination.

Don't lecture, don't be critical, don't give ultimatums, etc.

1 Reply

@Butrflynet,

Another suggestion, don't plan your dates around food. Have something else be the central focus of your dates, maybe a trip to the local zoo, a museum or an evening of bowling.

Maybe spend some time volunteering together. Things like your local highway and waterway litter clean up days would be good, or volunteering at the local animal shelter.

1 Reply

@Butrflynet,

Thank you very much for the replies!! I'm not sure if you caught the part in my OP that we are long distance, so going food shopping together and planning dates at the moment would not be viable.

So I just had the convo with her. I came clean and told her that sometimes I find her attractive and other times I do not find her attractive. She was hurt... that is a given. And she was angry... but it was not as bad as I thought it was going to be. We talked about the problems she has had due to her weight, and some problems that she could have in the future. She then told me she has a health problem that makes it difficult to lose weight and keep it off. I never knew this! For some reason, this changes things. I'm not sure why. Due to her health issue, the main treatment is too eat well and get exercise. I told her my concern is both for health and my physical attractiveness for her. However she only believes I want her to lose weight just so I find her more attractive. In reality, it is both things, but more-so for the attractiveness factor.

Since we live far apart. I feel like I want to ask her if she is interested in changing her eating habits and getting an exercise routine. So in all honesty, if she would say she would give it a go, I would move and I'd be with her every step of the way, including exercising cause I need that too. She said I would have to be ok with how she looks as of now, in order for our relationship to continue. I too, feel like that is right, and that an ultimatum is not. I need some time to process all this and see how I feel tomorrow. Any more insight?

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You sound young and I'm not going to judge, but a successful long term relationship can't be maintained if you have to keep talking yourself into it. You may admire many things about her, but it doesn't sound promising to me. Don't deprive her of a full and honest relationship because you fear a little discomfort now.

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She is a goddess.

Appreciate her fullness.

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Glitter is right. If you have to talk yourself into this, it isn't going to work.

My son married a wonderful girl. She was heavy when they met and was always trying to lose weight. It was a small issue then. They married and now have three children. She is very large now. We all love her dearly, but her weight does come up in their "issues.' There is no question as to why she is heavy. She overeats all the time. She also has some shopping control problems and spends money like it's water. My son adores her but I see these issues growing.

Look at her total personality and see if there are other "excesses" that may become a problem.

Sorry to be so brutal, but if marriage is being talked about, look at the total woman you are promised to.

1 Reply

@PUNKEY,

I do feel like I've been talking myself into feeling like physical attractiveness is not important, but I've finally come to terms that it is. She now knows how I feel. And she's said that she wants to eat better and exercise. I feel like I want to help her by moving there with her and establishing those things, while eating better and exercising with her every step of the way. But I don't know how I would feel if she didn't lose some weight.

As far as her total personality, I love it. And she loves me so much. She's taught me a lot about inner beauty. We have talked about marriage a few times. We do not want to until a couple years from now, and after we've lived together in that time.

Also, I am not young, but I understand how I seem to come across. This has been my first long-term relationship.

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Sorry - but you seem ingenuous - superficial, for sure.

You are not ready to commit to a woman who you say is so wonderful - just because she is heavy??

There must be SOMETHiNG else going on - on her part or yours.

But the whole weight excuse thing is a smokescreen.

1 Reply

@PUNKEY,

I so disagree with you about the weight thing excuse being a smokescreen. It does bother some people, some more than others. And I don't think he's being superficial. This is an issue for him and who are you to say he's superficial? You don't even know this guy. He should be allowed to feel the way he does without our judgement. He feels what he feels. Period.

applejam: I have no advice for you but I hope you work it out.

1 Reply

@Mame,

IMHO, that was well advised. He seems to be doing the right thing by being upfront with his g/f.

My only discomfort (if I can call it that) is his pondering over moving to where she lives. That seems to be something to consider a bit longer. But, like the other advice, who am I to say what is right or wrong to do or is advisable or not? I know so little about these 2 people and their circumstances and how much turmoil this move could cause.

However, you wrote:

Quote:

But it's coming around full-circle and I keep thinking that this relationship is just temporary.

Based on these words, I'd be leaning towards staying put.

1 Reply

@Ragman,

I think more date visits are in order before either of them quit their jobs and move.

1 Reply

@Mame,

amen to that.

0 Replies

I want to fully love my gf, but having trouble

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