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My Best friend is cheating on her husband and i feel caught in the middle. What should i do?

 
 
twinky
 
Reply Wed 12 Jun, 2013 05:01 am
Hi everyone, I stumbled across this forum whilst looking for some much needed advice. My level of friendship is certainly being put to the test at the moment and just wondered if anybody had any offer of guidance for what i should do?
Basically, My best friend is cheating on her husband, has been for some years but i'm now quite close to them both and i don't know how to be around her husband. For some reason I am the one who feels guilty around him! I am somehow becoming involved in all this and i hate it but i really care about my friend, she just will not listen!

Basically, I moved round the corner from my friend last year and only then started to get very close friends with her. She has 3 children 9, 11 and 13. I only knew her originally as a mum i chatted to at the school gates now and again. I knew her husband worked abroad and rarely visited, thats all i knew about her life back then. When i moved, I started seeing her more often at parties etc, She would always bring her children and i did feel sorry for her in a way because she seemed to have very few friends and rarely got invited to 'couples' nights as she had the children all the time. She started bringing her children round to ours more to play with my 2 children of a similar age, My husband seemed to get on with her too so we all became very good friends. She did seem very lonely to me, Always almost looking for an excuse to come round and just watch tv with us all or have a drink just for some company.

Anyway, Her husband flew home a couple of times and i noticed how icy and cold she was with him all the time. She almost had hate in her eyes whenever he would talk to her. Her children were all for him of course as they missed him but she was different.
I also started to notice that she was on her phone constantly texting a lot when her husband was away working. I started to get suspicious and had heard a couple of things from other friends that she had been caught cheating a few years back.

Now things are so much different from back when i first met her!
I confronted her after hearing one too many stories about her and her letting me down with plans once too often. She told me everything. That she was cheating with a friend 10 years ago and he left his wife to be with her but then went back to her because both his and my friends children didn't get on. I was shocked! She also said her husband found about it and all her friends left her as they didn't want to be a part of it. Her husband has a very very well paid job and after a few chats with friends, found out his wife earns a lot money too. A few things had been mentioned about money and i suspected my friend had to end things because she has no job and is a kept woman and probably couldn't survive financially.
The thing is, she told me she still texts him all day everyday and cannot walk away as they love each other so much and he has told her they will be together one day! I couldn't believe my ears. I told her she was being stupid and that he was leading her on but she got angry. She said he hated his wife as much as she hated her husband and that she is heartbroken and torn.

Her children see her texting every day and she often fights the phone off them when a message flashes up from him. Her children are destroyed emotionally and i have told her so. She is destroyed emotionally too. She told me it was over and she doesnt see him anymore but i know she is lying. She is trying to move her children to the same school his children go to, i have seen messages from him flash up that say 'i love you' and she always dissapears at the same times every day saying she is going 'shopping' or the gym when in fact i know she is going to meet him. I have seen texts from him telling her how nice she looked etc when she came back. The thing is, her husband has now got a job in this country and is home every weekend now. My husband and i have started socialising with them both as a couple now and i am finding it so hard not to hate her for what shes doing.

I tried to talk to her about it. I told her what she was doing to the children and how they are hurting and i asked if he was worth losing her friends for, her kids, her life? She just said she would not see him anymore and try and stop contact. Im guessing that was a complete lie because the very next day she went 'out' and the texting continued from them on.
She talks about him in a really strange way though, telling me things like 'you'd like him if you met him' and she drives past his house eveyday to take the children to school which is out of her way. I know she is very lonely but that isn't any excuse for what she's doing.

Luckily she has never asked me to lie for her or used me as an excuse (not that im aware) but she involves me by texting and trying to justify where she has been saying things like 'just been shopping and got some nice shoes' or 'the children have a school play tonight so i'm out' when in fact that time i drove past her coming home from work and she had a male in the car. Why does she feel the need to lie to me when i needn't of known anything anyway?
She has her house on the market too which is confusing me. She wants to move abroad she keeps saying but why would she be wanting to move away if she is seeing this man?

My other friend who used to know her said that when she first left her husband for this other man, they both had to go back to their spouse's because financially they had nothing as neither works. Then it hit me, I think my friend has been in touch with this man for all these years and they are/have been planning to be together in the end but making sure this time that they can financially be secure. I have my suspicions that my friend is stealing money from her husband to save and put away for her future.
She always jokes about money, never spends any, wears the same clothes and often tells me she siphons some money away but insists its not much.
She always seems to be wishing her time away too. Filling her days with fun things to do with the kids and her friends and us but is never really 'there' when its happening. She is either on her phone texting or in a world of her own looking really really sad and miserable.
She also changes from telling me that she is trying to get over him but told my friend that they hope to be together when his kids go to university so its me shes lying to?

Im sorry but you would not tell someone you are trying to get over that you love them?!

I just feel sorry for her husband. He loves her, He knows she is unhappy being with him though. He works hard and i just hate to see him taken advantage of but my friend is my best friend and even though she is doing some pretty terrible things, i love her and really care about her.
I just dont know what to do.
 
CoastalRat
 
  7  
Reply Wed 12 Jun, 2013 05:53 am
@twinky,
Nothing. It is none of your business.

Oh, sure, you can talk to her and encourage her to work on her marriage and give up the guy on the side, if you want to do that. But otherwise, there is nothing else you can do. DON'T get involved. It will only come back to bite you in the back side.
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Wed 12 Jun, 2013 06:48 am
@twinky,
Why is this person your friend, let alone your best friend?

Don't you have any pleasant people to be around?

Move on.

Let her sort her own mess out without you.
Mame
 
  2  
Reply Wed 12 Jun, 2013 09:27 am
@ehBeth,
Exactly!
0 Replies
 
twinky
 
  1  
Reply Wed 12 Jun, 2013 10:27 am
@CoastalRat,
Thanks for your reply Coastalrat, Im really upset by what she is doing and i have told her how difficult she makes it to be her friend. I speak to some of her ex friends and they all tell me that they had to walk away in the end because she pushed everyone away with the lying and deceit. I realise her husband really made her lonely with working abroad, never helped with the children and has only ever been a financial support and nothing more. No woman can be in that kind of relationship and be genuinely happy. Its just the bare faced cheek she has to go and meet this other guy while her husband is at home with the children! If she doesnt want to be with her husband then i agree she should just leave but i know for a fact she wont leave until she has made sure she can financially survive on her own or with this other man and thats the part that makes me angry. Her husband is a lovely man. A little clueless on how to look after her maybe but she is just vile to him. She told me they haven't been intimate for a weeks since hes come back and i know in some twisted way its because she feels like she is cheating on her other man by being with her husband! I just know it.
I know its none of my business, my husband also tells me so, but i feel i am involved because she makes me involved. She texts him in front of me, feels she needs to lie about her whereabouts when i don't even ask in the first place! I am getting a bit of a reputation with other people i know for hanging around with her as well. I just feel so sorry for her children and their what's stopping me walking away like everyone else.

She just will not listen to anyone but this guy, He has such a hold over her, she puts him before her own children!
twinky
 
  1  
Reply Wed 12 Jun, 2013 10:38 am
@ehBeth,
Hi ehbeth, at first i felt genuine sorrow for my friend when i first got to know her. She was independent because she had to be but i recognized a deep sadness in her and she was always quite clingy towards me in a way that said she didn't really have anyone else. This was all in the first few months of knowing her. All of our children got on well and we just naturally became great friends. I feel i was one of the last to find out about her affair but she has admitted to me that she questioned whether to tell me for months but didn't want to upset me. All of our neighborhood turned against her and ironically sided with the other man as he is well known in the area too. She was ousted by everyone and at first i thought she was just being silly in not being able to let him go but it was only after i got in a bit too deep i realized this is more of a lifestyle choice for her! I have never known anyone to spend as much time on their phone as her. Its all day, everyday, early hours of the morning etc, His wife works abroad i think so they are both free to talk all the time. I have seen some of her messages to him which are quite explicit at times, she doesn't know i seen them over her shoulder but so has her 9 year old daughter once which angered me greatly. I told her this and she just brushed it off saying her daughter knows she is in love with another man as if this was acceptable!
I was looking after her children whilst she went away for a week and when she came home, she delayed picking her up, only later on when a text flashed on her phone had i realized she had been to see him before her own daughter.

I don't want to turn my back on her like everybody else has but i am permanently angry lately as it gets under my skin whenever she drives past me as im always wondering where she is going and who with, Its really starting to affect my life too.
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Wed 12 Jun, 2013 10:39 am
@twinky,
I can understand how you might feel the way you do, but what you are doing is a serious case of enabling (even as you have been trying to change her ways over and over). Stop it, only she can decide to make the change and turn her life around.
twinky
 
  1  
Reply Wed 12 Jun, 2013 10:45 am
@ossobuco,
Hi ossobuco, thanks for your reply. May i ask what you mean by enabling? I do try to talk to her about this but she very easily fobs me off and just makes empty promises. To be honest, all i have written, she has no idea i know all this. ! As far as she is concerned, she has told me they once had an affair, it didnt work out because of the kids, she texts him now and again and they meet once a month or so for a coffee. She has convinced herself i will swallow that and i wont remember the 'i love you' texts she gets or the fact she refuses point blank to let me go shopping with her as she isn't really going shopping at all! She thinks i know little to nothing about what i do. I just have the odd chat to her when her texting is getting out of hand or if her children are hurting.
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Wed 12 Jun, 2013 11:04 am
@twinky,
I'll be glad to but not now, as I'm just about to leave.
Maybe someone else will pipe up with what that means.
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Wed 12 Jun, 2013 02:56 pm
@ossobuco,
Ok, wiki's paragraphs on enabling explain what I mean in the second usage of the word:


Enabling
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enabling

This article describes enabling in its counseling or psychological sense. For enabling in an empowerment sense, see empowerment. For enabling in computer terms where an object or Graphical user interface widget is able to respond to events, see enabled/disabled.
Enabling is a term with a double meaning.[1]
As a positive term, it references patterns of interaction which allow individuals to develop and grow. These may be on any scale, for example within the family,[1] or in wider society as "Enabling acts" designed to empower some group, or create a new authority for a (usually governmental) body.

In a negative sense, enabling is also used in the context of problematic behavior, to signify dysfunctional approaches that are intended to help but in fact may perpetuate a problem.[1][2] A common theme of enabling in this latter sense is that third parties take responsibility, blame, or make accommodations for a person's harmful conduct (often with the best of intentions, or from fear or insecurity which inhibits action). The practical effect is that the person himself or herself does not have to do so, and is shielded from awareness of the harm it may do, and the need or pressure to change. It is a major environmental cause of addiction.[3]

A common example of enabling can be observed in the relationship between the alcoholic/addict and a codependent spouse. The spouse believes incorrectly that he or she is helping the alcoholic by calling into work for them, making excuses that prevent others from holding them accountable, and generally cleaning up the mess that occurs in the wake of their impaired judgment.[citation needed] In reality what the spouse is doing is hurting, not helping. Enabling prevents psychological growth in the person being enabled and can contribute to negative symptoms in the enabler.

One of the primary purposes of a formal Family Intervention with alcoholics/addicts is to help the family cease their enabling behaviors.
Generally, individuals who enable others have weak boundaries, low self-esteem, and have difficulty being assertive when they communicate with others.[citation needed]
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Thu 13 Jun, 2013 07:01 am
This situation is taking WAY too much of your time and energy.

Look - she is a cheater, liar, probably a stealer and she uses you as a cover for her activities.

Need any more reason to stop being good friends with her?

What is YOUR life like?
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Thu 13 Jun, 2013 07:17 am
@twinky,
twinky wrote:
but i feel i am involved because she makes me involved.


your friend has made the choice to be involved with another man

you are making a choice to be involved

consider making better friends

0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Thu 13 Jun, 2013 07:18 am
@twinky,
twinky wrote:
I don't want to turn my back on her like everybody else has but i am permanently angry lately as it gets under my skin whenever she drives past me as im always wondering where she is going and who with, Its really starting to affect my life too.


what is the benefit to you staying in a relationship with this woman?
0 Replies
 
OmSigDAVID
 
  2  
Reply Thu 13 Jun, 2013 08:07 am
@CoastalRat,
CoastalRat wrote:

Nothing. It is none of your business.

Oh, sure, you can talk to her and encourage her to work on her
marriage and give up the guy on the side, if you want to do that.
But otherwise, there is nothing else you can do. DON'T get involved.
It will only come back to bite you in the back side.
SO STIPULATED!!!
Women have gotten murdered for cheating.
Don't get her killed. That wud not be good friendship.
Do u know how many lovers her husband has had abroad ?





David
0 Replies
 
greyowlfive5
 
  -1  
Reply Wed 22 May, 2019 01:10 pm
@twinky,
When the lady I called my best friend started cheating, I blasted her big time. Cheaters suck, so if you cheat, you're not my friend. She stopped, but it did change our friendship. YOU are WAY too deep in this relationship. Sorry, I don't understand why you like this woman.
0 Replies
 
greyowlfive5
 
  0  
Reply Wed 22 May, 2019 01:12 pm
@twinky,
ENABLING means you feed the sickness - like if you bought alcohol for the alcoholic, or gave money to a heroin addict.
roger
 
  1  
Reply Wed 22 May, 2019 02:08 pm
@greyowlfive5,
Where are you finding these ancient threads?
0 Replies
 
 

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